Last Week Tonight host John Oliver is really, really tired of 2016.
He would like to be able to talk about all sorts of things on his show, from Austria’s election to Spain’s new government. Instead, the latest developments in the 2016 presidential campaign have forced him to talk about Anthony Weiner’s sexting and Hillary Clinton’s emails.
"Bacardi should really consider switching their slogan to ‘Bacardi: because there might be more fucking Clinton emails,’" Oliver quipped.
On Friday, the FBI announced that while investigating whether Weiner sexted with an underage girl, it had uncovered emails that are potentially pertinent to Clinton’s use of a private email server while she was secretary of state.
Essentially nothing is confirmed yet. The FBI just got a warrant to actually look at the emails on Sunday, so even investigators have no idea what’s in the emails or whether they’re truly relevant to Clinton. But the mere mention of these emails has driven the media and Democrats into a panic, while Republicans see a new chance to strike.
"So nine days out from the election, the FBI has basically delivered us the equivalent of a mystery box," Oliver said. "And like the box from the end of Seven, it could contain anything from nothing to Gwyneth Paltrow’s head — although it almost definitely contains Anthony Weiner’s penis."
Oliver had thought we had reached the worst of the election back when Donald Trump was publicly feuding with a former Miss Universe and telling people to check out a sex tape of her. But with the news that the investigation into a Congress member notorious for sexting — and, in this case, sexting with an underage girl — might help Trump win the White House, Oliver painted an even more dire picture of the election.
"A month ago, when Donald Trump tweeted we should check out a sex tape of a former Miss Universe contestant, I said if you looked up, you would see rock bottom. Well, if you look up now, you will see absolutely nothing," Oliver said. "We have burrowed through not just rock bottom, but through the core of the earth, and we’ve come bursting out the other side, startling kangaroos, and we’re currently hurtling toward outer space where there is no up, down, light, or darkness ― just an endless void in which death comes as sweet, sweet relief. Please let this thing be over soon!"