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A new website generates too-real “apologies” for men accused of sexual misconduct

“In conclusion, I will not change anything about my actions or behavior.”

A lot of men have been accused of sexual misconduct, from harassment to assault, over the past few months. Time and time again, the allegations have spawned what has become a genre of pseudo-apologies.

With the click of a button, a new website, called “Celebrity Perv Apology Generator,” creates a more, let’s say, honest version of some of the public apologies made by some of these high-profile men in recent months. The results are a simultaneously funny and horrible look at the realities of many of these allegations and how men respond.

Here is one example, which mocks both Donald Trump’s “locker room” excuse and Kevin Spacey’s bizarre statement in which he sort of apologized and came out as gay:

As someone who grew up in a different era, I feel tremendously guilty now that the things I did have been made public. It was simply boys locker room talk, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I have chosen to live my life as a gay man so if you say anything bad about me now you’re homophobic.

Here is one that partially ridicules the style of Harvey Weinstein, who reportedly went to rehab after the allegations after him first broke:

While I do not recall the events at the 2009 Golden Globes Party transpiring the same way, I feel tremendously guilty now that the things I did have been made public. I imagined that any woman would have been thrilled to see a tiny penis peeking out from below my pasty, middle-aged paunch like the head of a geriatric albino turtle moments from death, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will get the help I so desperately need because this isn’t actually my fault, I have a problem so I’m not responsible for my actions.

And here’s one more, predicting a grim outcome for many of the allegations we see today:

As someone who grew up in a different era, I am deeply ashamed (but not “sorry” because that means I’m guilty of something). I will devote my life to finding the real Golden Globes party molester, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will wait 2-3 years before reappearing in film and TV and just sort of hope you all forget about this.

There’s a serious message here: If someone is genuinely sorry for what he’s done, an apology shouldn’t be complicated. He should say he’s sorry, accept the consequences for his actions, and not try to make excuses or downplay what he’s done. Otherwise, the statement is bullshit — and no one should fall for it.

To generate your own apologies, check out the site.

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