Vox: All Posts by Jay Deitcherhttps://cdn.vox-cdn.com/community_logos/52517/voxv.png2024-03-13T09:01:45-04:00https://www.vox.com/authors/jay-deitcher/rss2024-03-13T09:01:45-04:002024-03-13T09:01:45-04:00Sometimes kids need a push. Here’s how to do it kindly.
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<p>Raising an independent child is about empathy.</p> <p id="M1sJ8C">While many kids refuse to accept help with anything, others want their caregivers to do everything for them. Put on their clothes. Brush their teeth. Spoon them food. Find the toy they were holding two seconds ago.</p>
<p id="p2Ragl">Although it’s overwhelming to do everything for our kids, it feels amazing to know we’re needed. But there is a point when, if you do everything for your child, they won’t build the confidence they need to succeed on their own.</p>
<p id="tF5Hkc">“Every time we rescue, hover, or otherwise save our children from a challenge, we send a very clear message: that we believe they are incompetent, incapable, and unworthy of our trust,” writes journalist and former teacher<a href="https://www.jessicalahey.com/"> Jessica Lahey</a> in her book <a href="https://www.jessicalahey.com/the-gift-of-failure-2"><em>The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed</em></a>. </p>
<p id="9Vvfwt">“While we want to wrap our kids in bubble wrap and make their worlds perfect, we do them no favors if we shield them from all discomfort,” says<a href="https://phyllisfagell.com/"> Phyllis Fagell</a>, a Washington, DC-based school counselor and the author of<a href="https://phyllisfagell.com/middle-school-matters/"> <em>Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School and Beyond—and How Parents Can Help</em></a>. “What we want to do is give them tools to be resilient so that they are able to bounce back from a low grade, getting cut from a team, flubbing a line in a play, or sending a text they thought would be funny but that landed mean. All of those things that are part of growing up.”</p>
<p id="sTKcAY">I asked four experts how to support kids in becoming self-reliant, even when it gets tough.</p>
<h3 id="8xsyLM">Teach one step at a time</h3>
<p id="HP38VG">We don’t give kids enough credit. Just ask their teachers. It’s common for caregivers to attend parent-teacher conferences and be shocked by how much their kids are capable of, says<a href="https://www.drjudithjoseph.com/"> Judith Joseph</a>, a child psychiatrist and clinical assistant professor in the department of child and adolescent psychiatry at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. “They find out their kid loves being independent and is doing all these wonderful things that they don’t do at home, because they’re not given the opportunity.”</p>
<p id="v7kusp">Many parents do everything for their kids, then suddenly expect them to do it on their own one day. Avoid having a sink-or-swim mentality, and recognize that something that seems natural to you may be difficult for your kiddo, says<a href="http://www.danielwillingham.com/"> Daniel Willingham</a>, a <a href="https://www.vox.com/psychology" data-source="encore">psychology</a> professor at the University of Virginia and the author of<a href="https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Outsmart-Your-Brain/Daniel-T-Willingham/9781982167172"> <em>Outsmart Your Brain: Why Learning Is Hard and How You Can Make It Easy</em></a><em>.</em> </p>
<p id="UKsUSC">Because your child’s first exposure on how to do specific tasks is by watching you do them, invite them to be your helper, Willingham says. A 2-year-old can help unload the dishwasher, hold a dustpan while you sweep, or even wipe down surfaces around the house.</p>
<p id="WNgZfm">As they succeed at their task, give them space. You can prep dinner on one side of the kitchen while they tear lettuce for a salad on the other. Supervision is okay, but don’t overwhelm them with directions. In an interview with Vox, Lahey compared this method to teaching a kid to ride a bike. “First, you start with the training wheels all the way against the ground so that the kid can be like, ‘Oh, okay, I can do this.’” Then, you raise the wheels, little by little, until they’re cruising on their own. </p>
<p id="ZIW6ou">Fagell recommends finding a way to make learning fun. Invent a song that helps your child remember certain steps, or come up with a silly mnemonic or acronym. Dance a little. Get goofy. </p>
<div class="c-float-right"><aside id="9kaTmF"><q>Avoid having a sink-or-swim mentality.</q></aside></div>
<p id="6Xf95z">“Humor in general can often help a ton,” Fagell says. For many situations, you can even role-play the scenarios so your kids gain confidence and recognize different ways to handle situations before attempting them. If they struggle, be their cheerleader — and be sure to remind them of times in the past they accomplished things they never imagined they could.</p>
<h3 id="L2d7Jg">Allow them to make mistakes</h3>
<p id="9lGtkM">Practice makes perfect, and childhood is a great time to screw up — the stakes are lower than when they are adults. “What we want is for our kids to learn from [mistakes] and grow from them,” Fagell says, “so the next time they make a different mistake.”</p>
<p id="KrQYpE">As in almost everything, you are your kids’ best model for how to cope with disappointment. “When things don’t go right, do you get frustrated?” Willingham asks. We should be open about how hard it can be to learn new skills, while still keeping kids motivated. </p>
<p id="RnjXWg">Sometimes, teaching independence can also look like not intervening when your kid messes up, Lahey says. If your kids refuse to wear the right shoes for the snow, you can offer advice, but if they don’t take it, they will learn more from water seeping into their socks. If they forget their homework at home, don’t rush to school to save them. It can do more harm than good. <a href="https://www.hup.harvard.edu/books/9780674729018">Kids even remember lessons more</a> when they face challenges because it signals to their brain that the information is important. And overcoming a struggle gives them a memorable blast of dopamine, too.</p>
<h3 id="0NKBMV">Provide empathy where you can</h3>
<p id="lCJKUT">Through every step of the learning journey, heap on tons of empathy, Fagell says. Often the task your kid is breaking down over may not be the real issue. Maybe they are refusing to tie their shoes because they are anxious about going to school, or they won’t pick up toys because they are upset over a squabble they got into with their sibling.</p>
<p id="FLCHEN">Fagell recommends helping them build their emotional vocabulary by saying something like, “I can tell that you’re feeling nervous about going to school, and I know when you feel nervous you want me to help you with your shoes.” Then prompt them to come up with ideas that might make them feel better.</p>
<div><aside id="FJUqNd"><q>Sometimes, teaching independence can also look like not intervening.</q></aside></div>
<p id="rnkufm">If your child is making it clear that something is too much, it’s okay to take a break, Willingham says. “Pulling back is part of what builds trust with your child.”</p>
<p id="hrJPt5">Just make sure you actually return to the task in the future. Kids are often great at beating themselves up, so it’s important you show them there is nothing to be ashamed of. For example, Willingham recommends telling them something like: “Last time you tried, you couldn’t really do it, but you’re a different kid than you were three months ago.”</p>
<h3 id="1PjNyX">Focus on long-term success</h3>
<p id="LumOA6">The truth is, doing things for our kids is often easier than teaching them to do it on their own, and when a kid is throwing a tantrum, it’s quicker to give in. “That first moment you want to intervene, ask yourself, do I want my kid to do it without any struggle right now or do I want them to be able to do it for themselves next time?” Lahey says. Focus on where you want your kid to be months from now, not on mitigating a momentary emergency.</p>
<div class="c-float-right"><aside id="2xwdpD"><q>Childhood is a great time to screw up — the stakes are lower.</q></aside></div>
<p id="eQVWeb">It can be especially difficult to focus on long-term planning when it feels as though others may be judging your <a href="https://www.vox.com/parenting" data-source="encore">parenting</a>. When your kid refuses to wear the appropriate clothing for the weather, for example, school drop-off can feel more like a parental walk of shame. It’s helpful to remember that parents sometimes criticize each other as a way to quell their own parenting insecurities. </p>
<p id="H1Zc6P">“We can be each other’s worst enemy,” Lahey says. Try and focus on your kid’s well-being instead of what others think. Teaching kids how to handle life on life’s terms takes love and patience, Lahey says. “The best parenting happens over the long term.”</p>
<p id="95Xgn7"><em>Jay Deitcher is a stay-at-home dad, writer, and former social worker living in Albany, New York.</em></p>
https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/24055933/how-to-push-kids-kindly-independence-empathyJay Deitcher2023-12-23T07:00:00-05:002023-12-23T07:00:00-05:00How to think before you speak, online and off
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<p>Social media is a stressful place. Keeping things in perspective is important.</p> <p id="q49pez">We’ve all been there: scrolling through a heated <a href="https://www.vox.com/facebook" data-source="encore">Facebook</a> comment section, and some troll says the most offensive trash ever. You know you should let it go, take some space, but you can’t hold it in. You need to fight back. Or do you?</p>
<p id="P2d7nu">Holding a rational debate can be impossible when you are feeling triggered. Whether it occurs online or in person, over political stances or who does the most chores — when a dispute ignites, all bets are off. You might have a split-second reaction, jump to conclusions, and feel willing to risk it all just to claim victory.</p>
<p id="PmX9in">“A lot of folks are in it for the quick win. They go with an impulse and abandon themselves as a person,” says <a href="https://webpsych.com/">Henry Ortiz</a>, a Gestalt psychologist in Los Angeles, California. “Arguing and having the last word never wins people over to your perspective. You’re playing a tug of war and the harder you pull your end of the rope, the more the other person resists you.”</p>
<p id="4vfYXN">Especially online, a comment can trail you forever, says <a href="https://u.osu.edu/bushman.20/">Brad Bushman</a>, a communication professor at the Ohio State University and an anger expert. “It’s always best to prevent a problem from occurring than to try to solve it after it’s already occurred.”</p>
<p id="YJVZGn">More than ever, <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/2014/06/12/political-polarization-in-the-american-public/#:~:text=between%20the%20parties.-,Today%2C%2092%25%20of%20Republicans%20are%20to%20the%20right%20of%20the,up%20from%2070%25%20in%201994.">American discourse feels incredibly polarizing</a>. Although it might be tempting to sound off when you’re angry or when you disagree with someone, you aren’t likely to win any friends by ranting in a comment section. Nor are you going to get your significant other to see it your way while you are both fuming. So what can you do? I asked five experts about the best ways to stop and think before you say something that you might end up regretting.</p>
<h3 id="JJK5wk">Put things in perspective</h3>
<p id="1IImP4">When you give in to impulses during a heated debate, your reaction is filtered through many of the pains, fears, and losses you’ve endured in the past. “We bring all these different experiences into every relationship,” says <a href="https://www.inclusivetherapists.com/district-of-columbia/washington/dr-bernasha-anderson">Bernasha Anderson</a>, a psychologist in Washington, DC, who specializes in interpersonal therapy. “Sometimes they’re dormant, they’re underneath the surface, but they’re there.” You may be fighting with your new boo, but deep down, you could be evoking issues from your childhood. “Once our nervous system regulates, we find ourselves looking back and saying, ‘That’s not even my value system. That’s not who I want to be,’” Anderson says.</p>
<p id="cQwTjb">Be aware of your circumstances. Fights are more likely to strike when people are overwhelmed in other areas of their life. A dispute with your partner about doing the dishes, for example, may actually be about not having enough child care. When we feel powerless, we may be more likely to lash out, pushing our negative energy out at any cost.</p>
<p id="qaOugp">The same goes for frustrations we might encounter online. On the internet, it can feel like we have no choice but to be pulled into arguments, especially when algorithms are tailored to our own opinions. Any break in those feedback loops can be jarring. “There’s a lot of pressure to make public statements that align with your group’s interests in order to be accepted by that group,” says<a href="https://www.drmichelledrouin.com/"> Michelle Drouin</a>, a <a href="https://www.vox.com/psychology" data-source="encore">psychology</a> professor and the author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Out-Touch-Survive-Intimacy-Famine/dp/0262046679"><em>Out of Touch: How to Survive an Intimacy Famine</em></a>.</p>
<div><aside id="KAssZf"><q>While it feels like fighting with trolls is a productive use of time, it almost never is.</q></aside></div>
<p id="giCEp8">“It’s very easy to get baited into these online debates because we want to channel this anger and hopelessness and despair that we feel,” says<a href="https://hellodrjoy.com/"> Joy Harden Bradford,</a> psychologist, host of the <a href="https://therapyforblackgirls.com/podcast/"><em>Therapy for Black Girls</em> podcast</a>, and author of<a href="https://www.sisterhoodheals.com/"> <em>Sisterhood Heals: The Transformative Power of Healing in Community</em>.</a> But while it feels like fighting with trolls is a productive use of time, it almost never is. Sometimes, saying nothing at all can be powerful, too — especially when you feel vulnerable or unsure of how to calmly express yourself.</p>
<h3 id="fi5S1q">Pause and take it all in</h3>
<p id="aYlwgQ">Everyone has a window of tolerance where they are in a calm state and can take in information and tolerate emotions, explains Ortiz. When someone feels physically or emotionally threatened, they go outside of that window and either freeze or go into fight or flight. </p>
<p id="nkVGK8">Once triggered, your heart rate and blood pressure jump up, says Bushman. But shoving down your feelings can lead to rumination. “It’s like a tea pot boiling on the stove. You can vent the steam or you can try to contain the steam and stuff it inside. A better strategy is just to turn down the heat on that stove.”</p>
<p id="WD8RpS">Remember, the person you are arguing with is probably in fight or flight, too, says Ortiz. “Who you’re arguing with isn’t even that person anymore. You’re arguing with their pain, with their trauma, and with their past.”</p>
<p id="JeRcAQ">Ortiz recommends asking to take a break from the conversation, saying something like, “I’m sorry. I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I just need a moment. I didn’t mean to upset you.” You can even mark down a date on your calendar to revisit the discussion later that day or week when everyone is calmer. You’ll likely find that by then, you’ll feel a lot more levelheaded.</p>
<p id="RuOo5K">In disputes online, Drouin suggests pulling out of the conversation completely by making a boundary-setting public statement, saying that you will not have conversations about certain issues online but will have them in private. Conversations that take place over DMs instead of the world stage of a public feed or forum can often be more civil.</p>
<p id="c0YggK">“My grandma used to tell me that before you say or do anything [while angry], you should count to 10 before you respond,” Bushman said. “Thomas Jefferson said, ‘If you’re really angry, you should count to 100 instead.’” Just taking that pause allows you to clear your thinking. </p>
<div class="c-float-right"><aside id="w33hQh"><q>Remember, the person you were fighting with online may not be the person they are in reality.</q></aside></div>
<p id="CXZgQo">In addition, Anderson recommends using the acronym <a href="https://americanaddictioncenters.org/blog/common-stressors-recovery">HALT</a> — Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired — to take inventory of silent predators that can cause you to act out of character. Used in sobriety communities, HALT helps people recovering from addiction recognize overlooked stressors that may not seem major but can throw off someone’s ability to make clear decisions, leading them back to a drink or drug. She also recommends that you ground yourself in the present by meditating, taking a walk, or doing <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQg7seUGDUc">the five senses exercise</a>, where you pause to identify five things surrounding you that you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.</p>
<h3 id="GaDyjR">Lead with empathy </h3>
<p id="FQ2vks">There’s a chance that you will realize the dispute isn’t even worth revisiting, but there are certain discussions that may still need to be had. In those cases, provide empathy from the jump. Tell the person how much the relationship means to you and that you understand that they were really upset. Explain your feelings too, saying something like, “I was really hurt by what you said, or I was very shocked,” Harden Bradford recommends.</p>
<p id="0xfpD9">Try to view differences of opinion as interesting and not a threat, says Ortiz. Often, people don’t need to be debated or preached to when they are triggered, he says, they just need someone to listen and hold their pain. Being the person to offer them an ear can be a magnificent gift. It’s similar to when a toddler gets a booboo and needs a quick cuddle and a kiss.</p>
<p id="JK2VWE">When someone is heard, they often drop their guard, says Ortiz. “Because you’re heard by me, you may be actually willing to listen to what I have to say.”</p>
<p id="X3bFwO">Remember, the person you were fighting with online may not be the person they are in reality, says Drouin, so take difficult conversations offline. “When people are posting online, they post one or two things a day. Going to them for the full story is probably a good way to move forward.”</p>
<h3 id="vOqg1A">Focus on a solution</h3>
<p id="k5GGsq">Because fights with friends and significant others are often about something completely unrelated to the topic at hand, acknowledge that and focus on the real issue. Maybe you are both overwhelmed with kids and work and need a date night. Maybe a bud keeps canceling plans because they are afraid to tell you that they are struggling financially. “It is not you against your partner. It is you and your partner against whatever this thing is,” Harden Bradford says. “When you think about it, like, ‘We’re on a team together.’ That’s a very different approach than, ‘You’re my adversary, and I’m trying to win this battle.’”</p>
<p id="ukEGtd">Be willing to apologize for stepping out of line, and ask how you can repair the situation. This could mean monitoring your tone and approach in the future, or it may mean putting up a new post saying you published inaccurate information.</p>
<p id="La7TZm">If your online battles stem from feeling powerless over world issues, “find a more productive way to channel that,” says Harden Bradford. “It could be making calls to politicians or making a donation.”</p>
<h3 id="xSHWsU">Plan for the future</h3>
<p id="fDbGr2">Tough conversations <em>will</em> arise again, so discuss with your significant other or friend how you can handle them better in the future, especially when you are overwhelmed. Harden Bradford recommends saying something like, “We know the world is falling apart, but what kinds of things can we do to support each other? That might mean conversations, or that might mean we don’t talk about these things.”</p>
<p id="DjnwXL">You might even decide it’s better to unfollow certain friends online in the interest of your relationship. Maybe you don’t discuss politics with your buddy and simply bond over other shared interests. Maybe you just accept that you and your partner are going to be snappy for the next few weeks, and you will both try to be understanding of each other despite that. </p>
<p id="KUr29W">When conversations emerge, be empathetic. Set boundaries for fighting fair, both in person and online. If someone is swearing, threatening to leave, or shutting the other down, it’s time to take a pause.</p>
<p id="YGPG7Z">Try and remember, most of these fights don’t matter much in the lifespan of a relationship, says Bushman. “This issue might be important right now at this moment, but what about tomorrow or a week from now? Or a month from now or a year from now? How important is this issue?”</p>
<p id="NDSmO7">If arguments arise, stay accountable, but have self-compassion. Be willing to forgive yourself and the other person. “We have to humanize them,” Anderson says. “And we have to humanize ourselves.” The harder you are on others, the harder you are on yourself. “We must be intentional about giving ourselves compassion as well as giving compassion to others. We have to say to ourselves, ‘These people are human.’ Because right now, I see a lot of dehumanization.”</p>
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https://www.vox.com/2023/12/23/24009901/how-to-think-before-you-speak-online-offlineJay Deitcher2023-07-30T07:00:00-04:002023-07-30T07:00:00-04:00How to set boundaries with grandparents
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<figcaption>Grandparents are an important part of the lives of children. Here’s how to manage their involvement. | Getty Images/fStop</figcaption>
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<p>Parenting is hard. Managing your own parents can be harder.</p> <p id="L8nJg8">Having children can be an exciting opportunity to do things differently than your own parents did. Even if you have a great relationship with your parents, you probably won’t see eye-to-eye on everything — just because we love them doesn’t mean it’s always easy to tolerate their approach, especially as it concerns your own kids. Some of the most loving grandparents may have difficulty remembering household rules and inadvertently needle into childhood wounds. “The hardest part of being a parent is that we were kids first, and we have a whole lifetime of baggage,” says <a href="https://www.raialbany.com/meet-the-team">Megan O’Meara</a>, a therapist I spoke to and the director of <a href="https://www.raialbany.com/">Rainbow Access Initiative</a> in Albany, New York. </p>
<p id="EBFBcz">Grandparents might nag your kids to eat, and then tell them they are gaining too much weight. They might gender everything from colors to the play kitchens all kids love. They may have never allowed you ice cream as a child, and now they feed your children straight sugar. Or maybe your parents try hard to follow your guidance, but they just aren’t informed on current best practices. </p>
<p id="co3qGB"><a href="https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/publications/2017/demo/p70br-147.pdf">There are more grandparents than ever</a>, and having them involved in our kids’ lives offers major benefits to everyone involved. They <a href="https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2017/2017-grandkids-cost-how-much.html">help with child care</a> and <a href="https://www.aarp.org/research/topics/life/info-2019/aarp-grandparenting-study.html">chip in on expenses</a>. A 2019 <a href="https://www.ox.ac.uk/sites/files/oxford/field/field_document/Grandparents_Contribute_to_Children%E2%80%99s_Well-being.pdf">Oxford University study</a> showed that kids have fewer behavioral and emotional problems when grandparents are involved in their lives. According to a 2013 <a href="https://www.bc.edu/bc-web/bcnews/news-archive-2011-to-2015/chronicle/2013/news/study-boosts-grandparent-grandchild-ties.html">Boston University study</a>, both adult grandchildren and grandparents show fewer signs of depression when their relationship is tight. Babysitting even <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1090513816300721">helps grandparents live longer</a>.</p>
<p id="n9nONa">“Over the past couple of decades, grandparents have been alive longer, so they’re more able to take an active role in the families of their children and their grandchildren,” says <a href="https://suzannedegges.com/">Suzanne Degges-White</a>, counselor, professor, and co-author of <a href="https://rowman.com/ISBN/9781442219311/Mothers-and-Daughters-Living-Loving-and-Learning-over-a-Lifetime"><em>Mothers and Daughters: Living, Loving, and Learning Over a Lifetime</em></a>.<em> </em>According to a <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2022/03/24/the-demographics-of-multigenerational-households/">2021 Pew Research study</a>, since 1971, the number of Americans living in intergenerational households has quadrupled. “It’s really wonderful that we get that multigenerational transmission of values and child care resources,” says Degges-White.</p>
<p id="3jTOz4">While it’s definitely beneficial to have grandparents in the picture — and many of us depend on them for child care — smoothly integrating your own parents into the lives of your children can be challenging, even if you have the best relationship with your parents. It can be triggering in different ways for both the parents and the grandparents, and it calls for important conversations and decisions about boundaries and <a href="https://www.vox.com/parenting" data-source="encore">parenting</a> approaches. I spoke with four experts about how to sensitively include grandparents in the lives of their grandkids while making sure that everyone’s needs are met.</p>
<h3 id="60jw7h">Be proactive</h3>
<p id="YDAXo5">The best way to avoid future conflict with your parents is to “get in front of it” by having the tough discussions before problems even arise, says <a href="https://www.drebony.com/">Ebony Butler</a>, psychologist and creator of <a href="https://www.mytherapycards.com/?r_done=1">My Therapy Cards</a>. It’s important to have these conversations early in your parenting journey, even before babies come, because those first days are when you may need the most caretaking support.</p>
<p id="WL8S1E">Before starting a conversation about expectations of what a visit with grandma or grandpa looks like, decide what is non-negotiable and what rules are flexible. Maybe you prefer your new baby wears cloth diapers, but you let your parents use disposables when they babysit because it’s easier for them. Maybe it’s not acceptable for your older kids to veg out in front of YouTube when Granny watches them, but they can stay up late.</p>
<p id="wUAprT">Remember: While structure is necessary, being flexible and willing to negotiate are also skills that are essential to model for our kids. Whether your parents live with you or just stop in to babysit, negotiation skills will lead to greater peace in the home. This might mean the difference between not having a regular babysitter and being able to attend your job daily, sneak in a date night, or take a much-needed nap.</p>
<p id="qB4pnU">Butler recommends saying to grandparents, “Here’s the way that we want to raise our children. Here’s the things that we’re teaching them. Do you think you can get on board with this? If not, what is the middle path here?”</p>
<div class="c-float-right"><aside id="V8jH4O"><q>Your child needs to see you advocating for them, so don’t hesitate to redirect your parent in the moment</q></aside></div>
<p id="Rb4yCV">It’s important to come to the conversation with curiosity, says O’Meara. If they insist on enforcing things you disagree with, such as gender norms, give them the chance to explain where they’re coming from and why they feel the need to give that input. “Oftentimes, it’s out of fear,” she said. “Our parents really want all of us to be safe.”</p>
<p id="aHfm4D">As a parent, you can likely empathize with their fears on a certain level. Having a son who dresses more stereotypically feminine might lead to him getting bullied, so let your parents know that you understand where they are coming from but are doing what you can to keep him safe. Explain the importance of teaching kids to take pride in their authentic selves, something you and your parents may not have been afforded. And remember, you had to do your own unlearning of problematic societal beliefs, too.</p>
<p id="pFpWzJ">“Many of us automatically assume that our parents should know certain things,” Butler says. “But they don’t. We have to teach them. If my kid has ADHD or is on the spectrum, there’s going to be some education that I’m going to have to provide to the grandparents.”</p>
<p id="kPrl8S">One way to help make the learning curve easier is to tap into their friend circle. “If you know that they have a friend who has a grandkid who is <a href="https://www.vox.com/lgbtq" data-source="encore">trans</a> or queer in some way, encourage them to reach out to that person,” says O’Meara. “If you have a relationship with that person, reach out to them yourself and say, ‘Hey, I was wondering if we could lean on you a little to help us because we want to involve this person in our life.’”</p>
<h3 id="BHWVyf">Set your parents up to win</h3>
<p id="HkME91">Making changes is tough, so ask your parents how you can make things easier for them. “You can offer support to the elder [by asking] how you can help them remember to do this stuff,” Butler says.</p>
<p id="rj94m9">When you involve your parents in a visit or allow them to babysit, make sure everyone’s accommodations are met. If your child has a special diet, leave the correct snacks on the counter. If your mom can’t drive after sunset, don’t schedule family hangs past dusk. This goes for <a href="https://www.vox.com/religion" data-source="encore">religion</a>, too. Serve dinners that follow your parents’ religious diets, and don’t schedule events when they’d normally attend their services.</p>
<div class="c-float-right"><aside id="zONuT5"><q>If your parents go against a family belief or rule, it’s important to address it soon after so your frustration doesn’t fester</q></aside></div>
<p id="BoMbaP">When it comes to finances, be sure to discuss who pays for what before it becomes a conflict. In some families, when a grandparent takes a grandchild out, the parent pays for the activity. In others, that would be unheard of. When a parent provides regular caretaking, it’s especially important to have these details hashed out. “A lot of stuff is unspoken that we need to be talking about,” says Butler.</p>
<p id="lFIO5X">As your parents learn new ways of doing things and new perspectives, create activities both your parents and kids can take joy in, zeroing in on your parents’ strengths, O’Meara says. If your dad’s an artist and your son loves attending the Pride parade, have them craft posters together to march through town.</p>
<p id="JHKPJc">“It’s human nature to immediately zero in on the negative,” says <a href="https://www.drnavasilton.com/">Nava Silton</a>, psychologist, professor, and author of <a href="https://www.igi-global.com/book/family-dynamics-romantic-relationships-changing/175396"><em>Family Dynamics and Romantic Relationships in a Changing Society</em></a>, so catch your parents being awesome and give them props.</p>
<h3 id="9lYUtv">Understand that parents will make mistakes</h3>
<p id="zcFS0G">Every generation does things differently and thinks they are right and that the previous generation is wrong. “Be tolerant of your parents and recognize that you turned out okay,” says Degges-White, “so you know they’re not going to do that much damage to your kid.”</p>
<p id="VvmIvu">If your parents go against a family belief or rule, it’s important to address it soon after so your frustration doesn’t fester.</p>
<p id="CdXTbM">At the same time, your child needs to see you advocating for them, so don’t hesitate to redirect your parent in the moment. “There is a way to respect them and also protect your children,” says Butler. “You saying, ‘Oh, we don’t use that word in this house’ is not disrespectful.”</p>
<p id="Kk9CEd">Use a sandwich approach when offering criticism. “Start off with a positive,” Silton says. Tell them you are grateful for their help, drop in your critique, and then end on a positive note, recognizing something they did well.</p>
<p id="ch8gGQ">For those of us who approach parents for frequent caretaking, even if our parents get on our nerves, remember that they are there because they love our kids and are dedicated to them. Plus, they are probably more reliable and comfortable to leave your kids with than some random teen babysitter.</p>
<h3 id="XTm1ne">Own your own mistakes, too</h3>
<p id="KqScXl">If you find yourself dwelling on everything your parents do wrong, it’s important to analyze why. Your anger and frustration are likely related to unprocessed resentments from your upbringing.</p>
<p id="Wtkv3Z">“If your parent does something that we would consider relatively small, and you find yourself being extremely mad about it, that is probably a really good indicator that we are holding unfair expectations,” O’Meara says. </p>
<p id="B8oBxT">The first step to working through the resentment is recognizing it’s there, Degges-White says, and accepting that it’s interfering with the relationship your parents have with your children. Ask yourself, if a friend told you that they were in a similar situation, what advice would you give them?</p>
<h3 id="TU0l3Q">Work with what you got</h3>
<p id="d9g9HZ">If your parents have addiction issues or are abusive, you may legitimately need to cut them out of your kids’ lives, says Degges-White, but it’s not a decision to take lightly. For some parents who depend on grandparents for caretaking, it’s not an option at all, Butler pointed out.</p>
<p id="rUJ2GI">“If you’ve got a grandparent who just cannot or will not honor your child’s orientation or your child’s gender, that’s really hard,” O’Meara says, “but maybe this means we do dinner once a week and we just honor this relationship for what it is … We can’t change a person but we can find ways to love them and have relationships with them that doesn’t hurt us or hurt our kids.”</p>
<p id="RrzTtG">When grandparents have views you and your kids don’t agree with, teach your kids about historical context, says Silton. Explain that they grew up during a different era when people viewed things differently. Tell them, “As you get older, you’ll be able to decide how you feel about these conversations.”</p>
<h3 id="v8oodZ">Be a model for your parents and kids</h3>
<p id="wOIhx2">Model forgiveness for your parents, because <a href="https://www.vox.com/even-better/23421467/parenting-good-influence-role-model-kids-mistakes">you too will make mistakes</a>. “Your parents messed you up in ways that are their own unique ways,” says Degges-White. “You’re gonna mess your own kids up in ways that are their own unique ways. We’re all going to make mistakes. And we have to recognize that it’s okay to be human.”</p>
<p id="Ck072p">Your kids will notice the way you treat your parents, and it will serve as a blueprint for how they care for you down the line. Don’t bad mouth your parents behind their backs, and let your parents know you love them.</p>
<p id="JN4oEh">Your parents will also learn caretaking from watching you and seeing the positive results it brings about, especially if they live with you or are frequently at the house. “The more they see our kids being authentically themselves and proud of that, the easier it becomes to not act out of fear,” says O’Meara.</p>
<p id="p3fGdZ">Many of the rules that you set for your parents you will butcher yourself. “One of the things our parents didn’t learn or that wasn’t modeled for them is apologizing to your kids and simultaneously owning your mistakes with your grandparents,” says O’Meara. If you told your parents that it’s okay for kids to cry, and 10 minutes later you find yourself hushing your daughter throwing a tantrum, own up to it. Apologize to your kid, apologize to your parents, and let them know caretaking is hard.</p>
<p id="4hKIfn">“Be easy on yourself,” says Degges-White. “Be easy on your parents. We’re all doing the best we can.”</p>
<p id="0tMS1R"><em>Jay Deitcher is a stay-at-home dad, writer, and former social worker living in Albany, New York.</em></p>
<p id="shIuiO"><a href="http://www.vox.com/even-better"><em><strong>Even Better</strong></em></a><em> is here to offer deeply sourced, actionable advice for helping you live a better life. Do you have a question on money and work; friends, family, and community; or personal growth and health? Send us your question by filling out this </em><a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfiStGSlsWDBmglim7Dh1Y9Hy386rkeKGpfwF6BCjmgnZdqfQ/viewform"><em><strong>form</strong></em></a><em>. We might turn it into a story.</em></p>
https://www.vox.com/even-better/23807523/set-appropriate-boundaries-with-grandparents-grandchildren-parentingJay Deitcher2022-10-27T08:00:00-04:002022-10-27T08:00:00-04:00Nobody’s perfect. Here’s how to be a good influence on your kids anyway.
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<p>Everyone makes mistakes. Here’s how your kids can learn from yours.</p> <p id="QVHLQ8">Here’s a secret: Parents make mistakes. Odds are, you’ve probably made a couple today. </p>
<p id="cA45p9">We all want the best for our kids, but parents are often still struggling to learn how to live life as their best selves. We hope our children can avoid the pitfalls we’ve tumbled into in the past — whether it be stints in rehab, arrests, a history of emotional issues or money problems, a general lack of direction until your late twenties, or the time you put a cigarette out on your arm to prove you were a tough guy (I know it can’t just be me!). </p>
<p id="T06rP7">As much as we try to shelter kids from going down the wrong path — paths we may have walked before — the past will always influence your parenting decisions. Eventually, the time will come where you might have to admit that you aren’t, or weren’t always, the great example you strive to be every day. Despite that, you can still be a role model for how to make changes and move forward in life. </p>
<p id="mjhJRq">Taking accountability doesn’t equate to you pushing your child down the same slope. “You don’t have to feel like you’re giving your kid a hall pass to go out and use drugs,” says <a href="https://abphd.com/">Allen Berger</a>, a psychologist and the author of <em>12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety</em>. “What you’re doing is sharing your experience that no one’s going to be perfect.” You are modeling growth, and that is a worthwhile and brave thing to do.</p>
<p id="owEeHg">But confronting the past and accepting responsibility can be terrifying. Acknowledging our flaws in front of those we cherish is even more so. I spoke with four experts about productive methods to parent children effectively when your own past is imperfect. </p>
<h3 id="4a7IoI">Recognize your past mistakes, but don’t project them</h3>
<p id="aRAUG8">Before having a conversation about your past with your kids, it’s important to fully process it and understand how it has impacted who you are today. “You want to make sure you really dealt with it yourself first,” says <a href="https://www.sixthstreetwellness.com/team/stacey-younge">Stacey Younge</a>, the owner and lead therapist at Sixth Street Wellness in Manhattan, who has also served as a clinician for people returning home from prison.</p>
<p id="ZUEzxA">“The act of parenting brings out all the insecurities that we have,” says <a href="https://drgayani.com/">Gayani DeSilva</a>, a psychiatrist and the author of <em>A Psychiatrist’s Guide: Stop Teen Addiction Before It Starts</em>. “Whatever we’ve done, it’s okay to look at it. It’s okay to talk to somebody about it. It’s okay to be transparent in our vulnerability.” </p>
<p id="PpoBkM">It’s also important to avoid projecting your shame onto your kids. “The things that we project [on others] are things that are incomplete in us. If I still have some issues about my past that are unresolved, I’m gonna have a tendency to project that onto my children and be afraid that they’re going to be living that,” says Berger. The first step is recognizing the problem is within ourselves so we can do something about it.</p>
<p id="d4P7Je">Studies show that <a href="https://nida.nih.gov/publications/drugfacts/genetics-epigenetics-addiction">addiction</a> and <a href="https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/looking-at-my-genes">mental illness</a> can run in families, but that doesn’t have to define our children; it just means they should be aware of it. </p>
<div class="c-float-right"><aside id="Vq52Z2"><q>“Our kids might have our features, they might have our personality traits, but that doesn’t always mean that they’re going to make the same choices that we have”</q></aside></div>
<p id="hOurlQ">“Our kids might have our features, they might have our personality traits, but that doesn’t always mean that they’re going to make the same choices that we have,” Younge says. </p>
<p id="YRb5Ru">We can’t heal from our past in a vacuum. Processing it with help from a therapist, a life coach, a religious mentor, or even a good friend can make a world of difference. Find someone you can be vulnerable with, who can accept your past without judgment, and who wants to help you move forward.</p>
<h3 id="eRHvkx">How to have an honest chat with your kids, at any age</h3>
<p id="2nceev">The goal of this conversation with your kids is to teach them that people can grow, and that’s a lesson you can instill in them no matter their age. You definitely shouldn’t spark a conversation with a 6-year-old about jabbing needles into your arm, but you can go a bit deeper with a teenager. With a young child, you might speak generally about how mommy or daddy made mistakes, too, discussing simple yet fundamental lessons from your past.</p>
<p id="mZrBw8">Don’t be afraid to say the words “I’m sorry” if your actions affected your child. Apologizing sets an incredible example for little ones.</p>
<p id="LqTtZO">Kids are going to make mistakes, so one of the best gifts you can give them is an example of you letting go of shame. “They’re gonna make some really bad choices, and they’re gonna have to figure it out. So if we are open and transparent with our vulnerability to our children, our children are going to realize that, you know what, my parents were able to take care of whatever happened to them, so whatever happens to me, I’m going to be okay,” DeSilva says.</p>
<p id="u9KQWs">When choosing where to hold the conversation, focus on a setting where your child is comfortable to listen and share, whether that be in the kitchen while making dinner, in the car on the way to an activity, or over ice cream at their favorite eatery. It doesn’t have to be stern or serious. When you and your child are in a relaxed environment, a conversation may even just roll out organically. </p>
<p id="8UxYwN">Pretending your past didn’t happen helps no one. “Be honest about the lessons that you’ve learned and how it impacted your life — why [what you experienced] was a real challenge and what are some of the things that you really want them to know,” says Younge. Then, invite your child to share their feelings about what you just shared with them. Ask them if they’ve struggled with anything similar. The goal is for them to form their own opinions and know that they have autonomy over their own choices. </p>
<p id="LgKnSq">If you are still struggling with the subject of the conversation, it’s okay to say, “This is something that’s just too rough for me right now,” says Younge. “This is maybe where Partner A or Partner B or Grandma can come in and help have some conversations about it.” It’s likely that there are other people in your kid’s life that they can trust — people who are good influences, who will be happy to help you out here. </p>
<h3 id="TpW1x5">Change your mindset, so they can too</h3>
<p id="Znx7lq">Model making mistakes and accepting constructive criticism. “Kids are going to respond to how you live your life more than what you tell them about how they should live their lives,” says Berger. Your actions are what really count, so make sure you empower your kids to know that growth is possible, and that it takes effort and time. </p>
<p id="0JDMD7">Don’t do things that you tell your kid not to, unless you have a good explanation as to why, says <a href="https://www.jessicalahey.com/">Jessica Lahey</a>, a former teacher and the author of <em>The Addiction Inoculation</em>. Being specific about certain nuances can make a real difference in how your kids understand boundaries. For example, if your kids aren’t old enough to drink, but you sip wine with dinner, Lahey says, you should explain to them that “adolescent brains are different from adult brains. My brain is done developing, and yours won’t be done developing until your early to mid-20s.” Be clear about why certain rules exist.</p>
<div class="c-float-right"><aside id="WRJ7Ef"><q>Don’t be afraid to say the words “I’m sorry” if your actions affected your child. Apologizing sets an incredible example for little ones.</q></aside></div>
<p id="3uSbLm">Believing in yourself can be difficult if you feel that you don’t have the power to affect your situation in life, so teach kids how to have a growth mindset, not a fixed one. A growth mindset is the view that talent and intelligence is learned and cultivated with practice and effort; a fixed mindset tells you that there is no use trying to change. </p>
<p id="tBmqmb">Research has connected the growth mindset to <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/2331186X.2018.1492337#">greater motivation and resiliency</a>, leading to <a href="https://web.stanford.edu/~paunesku/articles/claro_2016.pdf">higher academic achievements</a>. A fixed mindset is a negative thinking pattern, and can lead to children who will run from their struggles, never seeking assistance or putting in effort to improve. A growth mindset can give your children the confidence to make mistakes and learn.</p>
<p id="q3Yp20">You can push back against a hopeless mentality by teaching self-efficacy, says Lahey, which she defined as “the belief that if you take an action, that it will result in change.”</p>
<p id="PKf62W">Be careful how you speak about your children, and how you speak about yourself. Instead of labeling yourself, your child, or others with static terms such as “brilliant” or “gifted,” which reinforces the idea that people are valued for fixed characteristics and not the work they put in, teach kids to look for the long-term consequences of people’s actions, “showing them the opportunities for growth, showing them the opportunities to break cycles, showing them evidence of their own accomplishments,” says Lahey. </p>
<p id="bvfxkx"><a href="https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/cdev.13711">Research shows</a> that children as young as 7 believe that seeking help is a sign of incompetence. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2009.12.015">Other studies</a> have shown that potential helpers, including teachers and social workers, underestimate the shame and embarrassment about seeking help felt by their students, so it’s imperative we defuse the stigma by showing the benefits of reaching out. Examples of asking for help as an adult can vary from situation to situation — it could be calling a friend when you don’t know how to handle a situation, or signing up for food stamps. </p>
<p id="wiQ8ws">Remember to model self-care — not only to teach your children how to help themselves, but also to allow yourself to be more present for your family. “It’s critical that you realize how important you are,” says DeSilva. “Anytime that you spend any effort [caring for] yourself, that translates to how you treat your kids.” Be an example of kindness and forgiveness to others, but especially to yourself. </p>
<p id="nQDjcA">Celebrate long-term growth. You are no longer the same person you were in the past. Recognize the work you’ve put in, and do the same for your child, helping them see that struggling with their homework today isn’t representative of where they will be a year from now. Point to their work from last year to show how far they have come. Chances are, you have, too. </p>
<p id="0tMS1R"><em>Jay Deitcher is a stay-at-home dad, writer, and former social worker living in Albany, New York. </em></p>
<p id="shIuiO"><a href="http://www.vox.com/even-better"><em><strong>Even Better</strong></em></a><em> is here to offer deeply sourced, actionable advice for helping you live a better life. Do you have a question on money and work; friends, family, and community; or personal growth and health? Send us your question by filling out this </em><a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfiStGSlsWDBmglim7Dh1Y9Hy386rkeKGpfwF6BCjmgnZdqfQ/viewform"><em><strong>form</strong></em></a><em>. We might turn it into a story.</em></p>
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https://www.vox.com/even-better/23421467/parenting-good-influence-role-model-kids-mistakesJay Deitcher2022-09-14T08:00:00-04:002022-09-14T08:00:00-04:00How to (actually) stay friends with an ex
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<figcaption>If you’re trying to be friends with your ex, have a plan, and stick to it. | Getty Images/iStockphoto</figcaption>
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<p>It’s possible to have a platonic friendship with someone you used to date. Here’s how — and whether you should try in the first place.</p> <p id="1SRTi6">Sometimes, romantic relationships end with explosions. Sometimes, ties need to be severed completely. But sometimes, your ex-partner was once your best friend, someone whose influence on you is undeniable. After years of growing together and taking joy in their joy, it can feel impossible to let that friendship go, even if your romantic relationship wasn’t working. Sometimes, friendship is a goal you shouldn’t give up on. </p>
<p id="R75V8O">“If you need to not be friends, and you need that space, that’s okay,” says <a href="https://www.gstherapycenter.com/jesse-kahn">Jesse Kahn</a>, a psychotherapist and the founder, director, and sex therapist at <a href="https://www.gstherapycenter.com/">The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center</a> in New York City. “But that isn’t what you have to do because of what seems to be expected [by society].” </p>
<p id="zI3ZeZ">How you feel about friendship with an ex can depend on the culture of the community you surround yourself with. Heterosexual people often “conflate all different types of love at once, platonic, romantic, sexual,” says <a href="https://drmarisagfranco.com/">Marisa G. Franco</a>, professor, speaker, and author of <a href="https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/676695/platonic-by-marisa-g-franco-phd/"><em>Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends</em></a>, “so that you can’t cuddle with a friend without it seeming like it’s sexual.” </p>
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<p id="Lng8vb">But the queer community is smaller. You often work with your ex, run in the same circles, or share the same chosen family. According to a <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/233235591_Beyond_the_breakup_Heterosexual_and_homosexual_post-dissolutional_relationships">2002 study</a> published in <em>Communication Quarterly</em>, members of the queer community often retain higher levels of interpersonal contact with exes and are more satisfied with the friendship than members of the straight community. This shows that “you don’t have to grieve all of these [types of relationships] at once,” Franco says. “You can retain platonic intimacy, which is part of a relationship, without romantic intimacy, without sexual intimacy.” </p>
<p id="GOPulZ">There are copious reasons to strive for friendship. Maybe you realized you are incompatible as partners but love discussing politics with each other. Maybe you have different goals in life but still enjoy playing tennis together. You may share kids or attend the same temple. It is possible to be emotionally in tune with someone or platonically drawn to them, even if the romance dwindled. </p>
<p id="jlKJix">“If you’re trying to be friends with your ex, you have to think of it as a different relationship,” said Franco. “This isn’t us breaking up, continued.” When preparing to foster the new relationship, it’s important to go in with a plan.</p>
<h3 id="cdA9tT">Before friendship, take a break</h3>
<p id="xzrS6D">Before transitioning into a friendship, it’s important to take some time, says Zoe Shaw, a psychotherapist and the host of the <a href="https://drzoeshaw.com/podcast/"><em>Stronger in the Difficult Places</em></a> podcast. Fully processing the dissolution of your romantic relationship could take months or even years. You might need to unfollow your ex on social media, stop listening to music that triggers certain feelings, or avoid favorite spots you frequented together. Instead, lean into resources of emotional support, like existing friendships, family, and therapy. </p>
<p id="PHfG5D">After a cleansing period, if you are ready for the reset, you and your ex have to be on the same page as to what the friendship will look like. To help visualize what you want in a friendship, it can be valuable to think about how you relate to your other friends, says Kahn, because the expectations we have for how we engage with our friends can differ from person to person. Ask yourself how emotionally intimate you are with your friends. Are you comfortable with them touching you or are you big on personal space? How often do you see your friends in person: Weekly? Daily? Every couple months? </p>
<p id="iCtrpl">It’s important to establish clear boundaries. Will you discuss each other’s love lives at all? Is it okay to call each other, or are you just text buddies? Franco recommends setting rules about not visiting old haunts. “If we’re in a similar setting that we were in before,” she says, “we’ll tend to act similarly to the ways that we used to act in that setting.” Instead, create new memories in neutral spaces, whether that be museums, hiking trails, or children’s playgroups. </p>
<p id="qhKVGs">If the versions of friendship you are both envisioning do not line up, it might mean having a negotiation talk, or it might just mean a friendship can’t work between the two of you at that moment. And if at any time during the process you find yourself falling into old emotions or conflicts, you can always change your mind, says Elizabeth Earnshaw, a marriage and family therapist and the author of <a href="https://bookshop.org/books/i-want-this-to-work-an-inclusive-guide-to-navigating-the-most-difficult-relationship-issues-we-face-in-the-modern-age/9781683647959"><em>I Want This to Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating the Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face in the Modern Age</em></a>. “It’s okay to say this isn’t working.”</p>
<h3 id="gQlqbo">Take time to process old wounds</h3>
<p id="AfCSZS">According to <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224545.2010.522624">a 2010 study</a> in <em>The Journal of Social Psychology</em>, you are more likely to have a friendship if you had a nice breakup. Were you fair? Did you apologize? It all matters.</p>
<p id="042cIJ">“Doing all of that reparative work at the time of breakup is what is going to make it easier when you want to be friends after the breakup,” Franco says. And even if the breakup wasn’t clean, it may not be too late to take responsibility. </p>
<p id="GlY3wZ">Some people need to process old wounds before jumping into a friendship, and others just want to “move on and create something new,” says Kahn. What you don’t want to do is make believe that everything is okay when it’s not. “We don’t want to be like, ‘I’m cool as a cucumber,’ and I can let it go, but really you are someone who needs to process.” </p>
<p id="CavAwV">When processing past events, it’s important for both parties to speak up about what they experienced in the relationship, and be straightforward about past hurts and feelings. With that approach, it will be easier to say what you need from your ex as a friend going forward.</p>
<p id="dxF4wt">Earnshaw recommends clearly stating to your ex, “I know that I’ve hurt you or I know I’m still resentful, can we sit down and talk about this?” and directly acknowledging that “I need to hear from you that you understand how [your actions] impacted me.”</p>
<h3 id="0sUjLv">Make your new partner the priority</h3>
<p id="Mpg9a7">In time, you and your ex may find yourselves getting involved with new romantic partners, and it’s important that everyone is on the same page and comfortable with your friendship. </p>
<p id="vXnQha">Be empathetic to your new partner’s concerns, says Franco. “A lot of people have their triggers and insecurities, and trying to befriend your ex can certainly trigger those.” Instead of asking a binary question about if you can still be friends, ask your new partner what situations and contexts would make them feel secure. </p>
<p id="hPeoN5">“You can’t make your friend have a great relationship with your partner, but you do want to try to facilitate that as much as possible,” says Shaw. She suggests introducing new partners to exes you are friendly with as soon as possible because “the longer you wait, the more meaning you put on the relationship.” There should be no secrets about your history together. </p>
<p id="3saL5h">Make your new partner your priority, and earn their trust by showing them that there is no competition. If they ask you to stop talking with your ex, you should, says Shaw. “More than likely, if you’re willing to give up the relationship you won’t have to,” she says, because showing that willingness will show your partner that they come first. Once they feel heard then they might be able to make space for your ex. </p>
<p id="9z0hH8">If your ex enters a new relationship, Franco recommends you have a conversation with your ex where you explain that you value their friendship but want to make sure their new partner feels safe. An ideal relationship between you and their new partner should look friendly and trusting. There shouldn’t be any feelings of threat. </p>
<h3 id="TsNlaO">Don’t shut out close friends</h3>
<p id="5tmTbw">Establishing a friendship with an ex can trigger friends and family to voice alarm. If the person is not close to you, Earnshaw suggests giving a quick, distanced response, such as, “Thank you for your concern. We actually have a great friendship, and it’s something I feel good about.” </p>
<p id="Em5QiD">But if the person is someone you trust and someone who cares for you, it might be worth hearing them out. Are there valid reasons that they believe you should not befriend your ex, coming from a place of genuine concern? </p>
<p id="Mvdbcd">She recommends telling them that you might not agree that the friendship’s a bad idea, but “would still really love to hear what your concerns are.” Listen to them. Maybe you should take their worries into account. </p>
<p id="UJ7aAE">If you stand firm with the belief that you are making the right move, Earnshaw suggests replying to their fears by saying,<strong> </strong>“I totally get why you’d be concerned. I understand it’s not common for somebody to stay friends with their ex. I’m confident that if there’s a problem, I’ll be able to take care of myself. And I want you to be able to trust me on that.”</p>
<h3 id="c92KMg">It’s okay to let go, too</h3>
<p id="L8LGBp">No matter how much you want the friendship to thrive, you may find yourself stepping over your own boundaries or flooded with sadness every time you hang out. In many cases, it’s important to remember that you left the relationship for a reason, and those reasons may be toxic.</p>
<p id="WTpsg7">If you do need to halt the friendship, Franco recommends saying something like, “I know we’ve tried to build a friendship, but I just think it’s not necessarily working out for me.” Then allow yourself time to grieve. </p>
<p id="ZzpuG7">But hopefully, your friendship will bloom. A sign of a healthy friendship is that you are no longer mourning the romantic relationship, says Franco. “You’re not bitter, you’re not resentful.” Instead, she says, you truly want what’s best for one another.</p>
<p id="r4dPmk"><a href="http://www.vox.com/even-better"><em><strong>Even Better</strong></em></a><em> is here to offer deeply sourced, actionable advice for helping you live a better life. Do you have a question on money and work; friends, family, and community; or personal growth and health? Send us your question by filling out this </em><a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfiStGSlsWDBmglim7Dh1Y9Hy386rkeKGpfwF6BCjmgnZdqfQ/viewform"><em><strong>form</strong></em></a><em>. We might turn it into a story.</em></p>
https://www.vox.com/even-better/23351097/how-to-stay-friends-with-ex-even-betterJay Deitcher2022-08-31T09:00:00-04:002022-08-31T09:00:00-04:00How to set boundaries when your family sides with your ex
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<img alt="An illustration of three people on a couch with the center person X’ed out, as an onlooker watches." src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/_zvPulCIyu1cjGf6g0PMRokn-YQ=/375x0:2626x1688/1310x983/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/71306438/STORY_10_SET_2.0.jpg" />
<figcaption>After a breakup, your family might have to recalibrate. Here’s how to go about it. | Shanée Benjamin for Vox</figcaption>
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<p>You moved on from your relationship. Now your family has to move on too. </p> <p id="5yx0vB">Breaking up with someone is rarely easy, and that’s even more the case when your family refuses to let go. Maybe your former partner came for all the holidays, and your mom won’t stop talking about the time he saved her dog from choking; maybe your cousin keeps comparing your newest love interest to the relationship that ended half a decade ago. In my family’s case, my brother-in-law walking out on my sister slashed our family in two: those who empathized with my sister, and those who threw their lot in with her ex. This obviously got complicated because we had spent over two decades falling in love with my ex brother-in-law, but he was no longer the person we met long ago. </p>
<p id="7Qyx7o">Ending a relationship doesn’t just mean extricating yourself; it can also mean navigating the often messy connections they have with other people in your life. I spoke with four relationship experts about setting clear expectations with family members who are facing their own losses from the breakup.</p>
<h3 id="6t1FoY">Leaving a relationship impacts the entire family system</h3>
<p id="HeqVax">Ending a relationship takes bravery and a willingness to face reality, says Jessica Ashley, a divorce coach for moms and the author of <em>Divorce 911: How to Handle Everyday Divorce Emergencies</em>. While many of the popular narratives around breakups and divorce are focused on failure and devastation, in truth, she says, it can often lead people to pursue a happier, healthier version of themselves. A relationship’s end can come after years of suffocating your own needs, especially for women who have often “put themselves so far down the list that sometimes they don’t even know what they want.” However, just because you accepted that your relationship did not play out as you envisioned doesn’t mean your extended family will easily be able to do the same. </p>
<p id="cNBFuf">Partners are often interwoven into family systems, and there is normally a way of vetting who is let in, says Nikki Coleman, a psychologist and relationship expert who practices in Houston, Texas. Once the ex was able to establish themselves as a trustworthy part of the group, they probably took on some specific roles. “There’s expectations for them in the group, and all of a sudden you take that person out. The system has to recalibrate itself, and that does not happen overnight,” Coleman says.</p>
<p id="8sfkTF">That recalibration can be confusing. It may take time. You might need to have many sensitive conversations with family members. You may waver on your boundaries yourself, testing your limits with your ex, maybe still hanging out or having sexual relations with them, says Coleman, and you shouldn’t judge yourself if you struggle to let go. Leaving the relationship is your choice to make and so are the boundaries you set, and they may fluctuate.</p>
<h3 id="IFqNLK">Setting boundaries</h3>
<p id="EI5pid">After a split, the first — and most important — boundary to set is how much information you plan to share with family members. “Don’t feel like you have to get into all the details of what went wrong or how the person wasn’t the right fit for you,” said Coleman. Keep in mind that it’s not your job to convince your family about your decisions; it’s your job to take care of yourself.</p>
<p id="JuMeEX">An easy method you can use to ease family into a routine is to set boundaries for 30 days, Ashley says. Establish a 30-day hiatus from discussing your ex at family dinners. When the boundary becomes a habit, you can extend it. When having the discussion to set the boundary, use clear and concise language: “It’s a tweet. It’s not a Facebook post your aunt wrote,” she says. “This is my healthy boundary. And I’m asking you to respect it. Period.” </p>
<p id="3uAw4e">The family might benefit from a quick explanation of why the boundary is important, says Coleman, who recommends using statements such as, “This doesn’t feel good to me. This isn’t helpful for me. There are things about this relationship that maybe you don’t know about.” Once boundaries are set, she says to “just forget it.” You did your part, now you just have to repeat them as needed, clarifying details. </p>
<p id="bhoFxE">When choosing the method to have the conversation — telephone, text, or in person — Ashley says it’s important to ask yourself, ”How does this serve me well?” She recommends you go in “clear, calm, and confident,” with an exit plan “so [you’re] not slamming the door, getting [yourself] all riled up or expending more energy.” Because the conversation can be incredibly emotional, it’s important to have a self-care plan for after, whether that be journaling, breath work, dancing with the music cranked up, or screaming from a balcony. </p>
<h3 id="iumtnF">Boundaries are evolving</h3>
<p id="e4FxxV">If it feels like you can’t be yourself in family situations or are taken for granted, it might be time to renegotiate boundaries, says Coleman.</p>
<p id="6znmum">“It’s usually not the person setting [boundaries] that has a hard time [keeping them]. It’s the people on the other side of the boundaries that continue to push,” Coleman says. Ensure that your needs are interpreted as boundaries and not suggestions by holding people accountable. If they keep crossing lines, that might mean telling them, “I’ll see you on holidays. And that’s it.” </p>
<p id="bkUwYN">There can be room for negotiation if you are open to it, says Coleman. Maybe your ex and your brother have always played baseball on Saturdays. But if you give a family member permission to hang out with an ex, there should be a zero-tolerance rule for discussing your business with your ex or your ex’s with you. “They don’t get access to who I’m dating,” Coleman explains. “What else I’m doing. If I’m changing jobs. I’m not part of your conversation when y’all are together. And I don’t want you to bring the stuff from them to me.”</p>
<p id="2RP5tO">Of course, “The rules change if children are involved,” says Rachel Sussman, a psychotherapist and the author of <em>The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce</em>. “If you have a decent divorce, I have seen parents say to their daughter or son, ‘For the sake of our grandchildren, we want to maintain a relationship with your ex-wife or your ex-husband.’” </p>
<p id="Cr0hcm">Ashley believes learning to advocate for yourself and set boundaries can be a powerful model for your children. She says you should think about what you would want your children to do if they were leaving an unhealthy relationship. “What would you say to them? What will you want them to know? My hope is that when my children experience [a breakup], they will come to me because they not only know that I have made the choice for us and for them and changed my life when it wasn’t easy, but that they’ve seen it in action.”</p>
<p id="GTwUr6">When parents can settle into separate spaces and create appropriate boundaries, it can allow everyone involved to “build the health they need,” says Ashley. “That doesn’t mean there’s not pain and trauma to get there. But in some situations, families can figure out amicable and respectable ways to interact, and sometimes it’s healthier to be separate completely.”</p>
<h3 id="05MkDo">It’s their issues, not yours</h3>
<p id="tIcnZd">Often, family members create an image of a person, and we put them in a box, says Coleman. “When people violate that box, some of us aren’t able to integrate that new information. We just can’t make it make sense.” This is especially true when abuse is involved. Our society often portrays abusers as horrible people, so when a family member loves the abuser, when the abuser has truly been kind to them, it can be nearly impossible to align the images. So family members may outright dismiss the abuse.</p>
<p id="xGfz1c">But Sussman says that when family hangs out with an abusive ex like nothing happened, it “is like re-abusing the person.” Still, it’s important to remember that they are the ones with issues, not you.</p>
<p id="JDP9bF">Josh Jonas, psychotherapist and the director of the Village Institute for Psychotherapy in New York City, believes that when a parent or family member knows the abuse you’ve been through and still says, “‘Well, hey, look, we understand this person did X, Y, and Z, but we like him,’ it’s a very narcissistic statement.” </p>
<p id="I1mw39">This lack of support, Jonas guarantees, is nothing new. “It’s maybe a different flavor, but it’s the same frustration that [you’ve] been feeling with [your] parents for decades … Which is, I don’t feel understood by them. I don’t feel heard by them. They seem to just do what they want to do.”</p>
<p id="oDGTT9">Debating with a narcissist will go nowhere, says Jonas, so you need to give up hope that they will change and take on a new objective: “solving for calmness.” That might mean that you still see the family member, but the moment you find yourself fighting with them, you make your exit. </p>
<p id="HNCLJM">Coleman recommends being relentless with boundaries toward family who are still in contact with an abuser. If you remain in a relationship with the family member, the question to ask is, “How do we hold space together as a family when there’s this legitimate disconnect that’s happening here? What are the ways that we can be together and still love each other and demonstrate that relationship as family, but also, let’s just be honest, things have shifted.”</p>
<p id="hDbmBD">Holding firm boundaries might mean cutting a family member off, says Sussman, until “you get to a place in your own growth, in your own recovery, where you can say to yourself, I feel compassion for this person because of their own flaws.” </p>
<h3 id="ajtvLh">Surround yourself with people who support you</h3>
<p id="Sxv3Vf">“You can’t heal your burns while you’re standing in the fire,” says Ashley. If your family isn’t supporting you, find people who are. That may include a therapist, divorce coach, cousin, or mom from playgroup. Just make sure everyone shows up for you so you can thrive. </p>
<p id="KhqtEN">“Don’t let divorce be your personality,” says Ashley. “You still get to go to book club and have political discussions and be who you are with those people outside of your divorce.” Distance yourself from anyone who wants to linger on breakup drama or cause more. </p>
<p id="suMt7N">Healing from a breakup takes time, but learning to advocate for yourself and set boundaries can be deeply empowering. When my sister started her new life as a single mom, she clearly stated her needs to each family member, then she went and lived her life, embarking on a new adventure on the opposite side of the country, rediscovering her passions, finding the joy she lacked during the last years of her marriage. “We have this great opportunity to say, ‘Here’s what I’m changing about my life and here’s who I choose to be,’” says Ashley. “And that can be big. And it can be incredibly powerful.”</p>
<p id="2CFhtn"><a href="http://www.vox.com/even-better"><em><strong>Even Better</strong></em></a><em> is here to offer deeply sourced, actionable advice for helping you live a better life. Do you have a question on money and work; friends, family, and community; or personal growth and health? Send us your question by filling out this </em><a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfiStGSlsWDBmglim7Dh1Y9Hy386rkeKGpfwF6BCjmgnZdqfQ/viewform"><em><strong>form</strong></em></a><em>. We might turn it into a story.</em></p>
https://www.vox.com/even-better/23282266/family-ex-boundaries-breakup-relationship-healingJay Deitcher2022-06-12T08:30:00-04:002022-06-12T08:30:00-04:00The best $2,618 I ever spent: A second wedding ceremony
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<img alt="An illustration of a wedding invitation atop its envelope." src="https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/yjDB5rYLQzomQpo9kiVGnFM4PNs=/500x0:3500x2250/1310x983/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/70968250/Wedding.0.jpg" />
<figcaption>I was fiercely independent, and didn’t have faith I could care for anyone else. But Antoinette always believed in me. | Dana Rodriguez for Vox</figcaption>
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<p>Six months after I nearly destroyed our first $26,112 day.</p> <p id="8n5biw">Four days after we walked down the aisle for the first time, my wife Antoinette and I cruised off on our honeymoon to Cozumel, Mexico. On our second night, we found ourselves sitting in a theater full of our fellow passengers as contestants on a knockoff version of the ’60s game show, <em>The Newlywed Game</em>.</p>
<p id="meNBrA">The first question was easy — “Where was your first date?”— but they devolved quickly: Which in-law would you least like to be stuck on a deserted island with? Which movie best describes your love life? What is your husband’s most annoying habit?</p>
<p id="KHcCuG">We got every question correct, and every answer was filled with resentment. Our first date was a 1930s diner outing at Quintessence, a Cap City landmark. We both deemed our love life to be akin to <em>Pee-wee’s Big Adventure</em>, and my wife offered three things she despised about me: how I wiped my nose with my finger, my nail munching, and how I was overall a neurotic nebbish.</p>
<p id="iPELiL">We were suffering from the fallout of the past year: everything leading to what would be our first wedding ceremony. I didn’t deal well with change, and a wedding changes everything. It changes your family structure, changes how to organize finances. I was fiercely independent, and I didn’t have faith I could care for anyone else. But Antoinette always believed in me, and, somehow, every time I struggled with moving forward in our relationship, and every time I struggled with moving forward in life, Antoinette pushed me, and together we got through.</p>
<p id="JddSpp">“Fill in the blank,” the Drew Carey-looking cruise director said to me. “The ugliest thing about my wife is ____.”</p>
<p id="CxSwsI">“Her tones,” I said, straight-faced. The host froze up, devoid of one-liners. We won, obviously. </p>
<hr class="p-entry-hr" id="NcatkG">
<p id="wFKEWk">Antoinette and I met in April 2009, after the lead organizer of the mentoring program I volunteered for asked me to pick up the new mentor, a Brooklynite studying Africana studies and communications at SUNY Albany, speeding toward her bachelor’s in three years. </p>
<p id="co758N">We cruised through the city in my blue Saturn as I fumbled over icebreakers: Where’re you from? What’re you studying?</p>
<p id="w2Oe8c">Luckily for me, Antoinette was more skilled at the conversation thing. She dug through my CDs, pointing out that she also loved Maxwell and Amy Winehouse. </p>
<p id="onBwD4">From then on, every week we drove around discussing race and religion and swapping book recommendations. I learned that, right before we met, Antoinette had left her ex-fiancé. To mark a new beginning, she pierced her nose and went in for the big chop, cutting off any chemically treated hair, and rocked an afro puff. I adored her positive energy, so when she mentioned she wanted to get her driver’s license, I volunteered my car for practice. </p>
<p id="LyEaOM">We spent afternoons circling parking lots and gently bumping cars while parallel parking. When she scored her license, I came up with more excuses to hang out. After six months of being friends, she dropped the bomb, asking me via text: “Do you like me?” My hands shaking, I typed “yes.”</p>
<div class="c-float-right"><aside id="Yliraw"><q>I knew a life with Antoinette was what was best for me. I just feared it wasn’t best for her.</q></aside></div>
<p id="2sFfrY">Soon, I introduced her to my small, close-knit Ashkenazi Jewish family, and she welcomed me into her large but distant Nigerian and Jamaican crew. I loved how close she was to her mom, how she planned to have an intergenerational household. She appreciated how I was best friends/nearly twins with my little sister, how my big sister and her husband set my #couplegoals. Together we cooked salt fish latkes. </p>
<p id="g2QAKz">When Antoinette and I met, I was 28 and three years sober. I had spent most of my early 20s dropping in and out of college, spending time behind the locked double doors of St. Peter’s Hospital detox unit, failing out of their rehab. In the first few years of my sobriety, I spent my days chilling on the stoop outside 12-step meetings on the corner of Lexington, working an entry-level respite position at a local social work agency. </p>
<p id="sTdnu1">I liked my life in early recovery. I liked the room I rented in a two-bedroom on Morris St. Liked making meetings whenever I wanted. Liked volunteering to make myself feel good. My life felt safe. But four years after we started dating, Antoinette was tired of my inertia. She wanted marriage, a house, and a family (with seven kids, she used to joke). </p>
<p id="RoVk8i">As terrified of change as I was, I feared losing her more. I stalled for another year, but I finally popped the question over a bucket of seafood in a booth at our favorite Times Square eatery, Bubba Gump’s. </p>
<p id="M8EUKv">Then I talked her into delaying the ceremony another year.</p>
<p id="BfM8cH">I knew I loved and adored her, but I didn’t have faith in myself. I had never envisioned a future for me that involved anything more than hitting up meetings and remaining stagnant at the same social work agency. Starting a family felt unfathomable. During my hazy years, I stopped attempting to get sober because I figured I would just relapse. Once sober, I wouldn’t push myself to take any additional risks — whether it be a better job or a marriage — expecting that I’d mess everything up. Proposing was terrifying, but, beneath my distress, I knew a life with Antoinette was what was best for me. I just feared it wasn’t best for her.</p>
<hr class="p-entry-hr" id="smmRIx">
<p id="GKnyH7">I remember reading a study that said <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/10/the-divorce-proof-marriage/381401/">the more you spend on your wedding, the more likely it will end in divorce</a>. Every time Antoinette brought up ideas for venues, my mind spiraled. Neither of us made tons of money and neither was great at saving. To me, spending excessively on a wedding made no sense, but to Antoinette, money could always be made and was to be enjoyed. The tradition meant a lot to her so she wanted the perfect wedding ceremony, but, in truth, it probably meant more to me. A wedding made things absolute. I would either succeed at being a good partner forever or destroy her life. The more we spent, the more I felt the pressure mounting. Still, I pushed myself to brave forward with whatever Antoinette wished for. </p>
<p id="yxkmeI">To afford the wedding, I focused on our day-to-day bills — rent, car insurance, internet, groceries — while Antoinette saved for the ceremony. We quickly put a deposit down on the fourth floor of the New York State Museum, claiming Antoinette’s dream location. The setting included a sick view of the Empire State Plaza and Capitol building. It was the perfect Albany landmark for a romance that bloomed across its streets. </p>
<p id="Ezhn0D">The wedding was scheduled for a Sunday because we kinda-sorta kept Shabbat, and I used the odd day as leverage to haggle down prices. We locked in Mallozzi’s, one of the capital’s ritziest caterers, as well as DJ Trumastr, Albany’s hottest DJ, who prepped a setlist consisting of Paul Simon, Lynxxx, and Beres Hammond, representing our diverse backgrounds. The affair came out to $26,112.86. </p>
<p id="YBGAQ0">To be clear, we didn’t pay it all ourselves. Her dad handled the photographer and the balance for the venue, and her mom took care of the honeymoon and wedding dress, and she financed transportation for nearly her entire extended family (after the wedding, my parents gifted us a $10,000 check, to start our life together — that promptly went toward debt). The more our family invested in our stock, the more I panicked it would all go belly up. </p>
<hr class="p-entry-hr" id="wMN0kw">
<p id="sTfV8L">Four months before our scheduled wedding date, my fears of failure turned catastrophic as my family fell into disarray. </p>
<p id="fupPLI">Just weeks before my youngest sister’s wedding — which I already struggled with because it felt like our relationship was changing — my brother-in-law walked out on my older sister. He had been my role model, my biggest male influence. He gave me my first beer, taught me all his comedy routines. I told myself that if my big sister’s marriage went sour, my relationship with Antoinette would, too. </p>
<div><aside id="CnnTQr"><q>We posed for pictures, smiling before the carousel, but the emotions were staged</q></aside></div>
<p id="HhU8mK">I was unable to send the wedding invites. Every time I postponed, Antoinette grew more frustrated, to the point where we were sleeping in separate rooms. I broke up with her, three times, assuring myself she’d be better off without me, but she continued to talk me into staying. Two months before the ceremony, I dropped the invites into the mailbox, but the stabbing thoughts intensified. I had dreams of her happy with someone else, starting a family with a guy who wasn’t as mentally ill as I was. I had nightmares of us getting married, having kids, then me turning into my brother-in-law, leaving the family I loved to suffer the repercussions. A week before the ceremony, I broke up with her for the final time, promising myself I wouldn’t budge. </p>
<p id="1W6PyI">Tears dampening her face, Antoinette smooshed her cheek into mine and whispered, “Just be with me for one day. Not all the future. Just a day.” </p>
<p id="erZiDv">At that moment, I decided to stay. To give it my best shot, just for that day. I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t my family, that I wasn’t the person I used to be. I decided I didn’t like myself at that moment, but I wanted to get better. I wanted to be the best person I could be, and the best person I could be was beside Antoinette, supporting her and celebrating her and growing with her. </p>
<p id="gsOT3g">The day of the wedding, Antoinette half-expected I wouldn’t show. Even though we did the I-dos, she despised me for what I put her through, and I was frustrated with her for not having empathy during my crash. We threw the greatest party most of our guests had ever been to — impressing even my Nigerian ambassador father-in-law — but every kiss was strained. We posed for pictures, smiling before the carousel, but the emotions were staged. When we cruised off on our <em>Newlywed Game</em>-knockoff honeymoon, we were barely speaking. </p>
<hr class="p-entry-hr" id="SvEYur">
<p id="qcxTk2">In the months that followed, we dedicated ourselves to couples therapy, determined to make our relationship work. We both realized that we struggled with communicating: Antoinette often shut down, while I turned overly emotional. We had to learn new ways to speak to each other. We focused on each other’s strengths, recognizing that we each brought something special to the table that the other lacked. I took responsibility for spiraling out of control, nearly ruining our wedding, and she worked to be empathetic to my anxiety. I realized how desperately I wanted her to attain her every dream and how blessed I was that she chose me to be her partner in achieving them; she believed in me, and I began to believe in me, too. </p>
<div class="c-float-right"><aside id="ZY4XEG"><q>We weren’t trying to show off — we just wanted to feed friends and family yummy food and spin in circles of joy</q></aside></div>
<p id="LRNCSY">For over a year, Antoinette had been meeting with our rabbi, taking classes, attending shul, moving toward converting to Judaism. We had always planned to have a second, intimate religious wedding after she formally converted. And so six months after the first wedding, my wife dunked herself into the mikvah, a ritual bath, completing the process, and we held a small ceremony in our Albany temple, costing $2,618: enough to rent the social hall, hire a klezmer band, contract a videographer, borrow a chuppah, and buy a crap ton of lox, bagels, and kugel. </p>
<p id="sQ38DW">The first wedding, we were trying to impress people, but this second wedding, we weren’t trying to show off — we just wanted to feed friends and family yummy food and spin in circles of joy. We didn’t even send invites. Instead, we handed out flyers and plastered them online, keeping the ceremony open to anyone who wanted to join. </p>
<p id="zZyVXa">I took pride in planning and paying for the second ceremony myself. Though the event was much cheaper, I didn’t settle for anything. The food was on point. So were our outfits. It felt like victory that every dollar spent was my own — I was investing in our future. </p>
<p id="S118m3">Under the chuppah, I crunched the glass and we jumped the broom. When we leaped, we did it together. The community lifted us aloft in chairs, and, as we floated above the crowd, each grasping the napkin connecting us, I realized I could do it. I could handle life’s changes. I could grow. My wife had been with me when I was at my lowest. I knew I’d do the same for her. We’d survived one of our toughest hurdles, and I had faith we could get through more. I was ready. Ready to create a home, ready to start a family, with faith, with Antoinette. </p>
https://www.vox.com/the-goods/23020665/best-money-second-wedding-destroyed-first-ceremonyJay Deitcher