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Summer is almost over, but it doesn’t mean body shaming has to be.
Despite being busy pounding pumpkinless pumpkin spice lattes, a woman can still make time to internalize the opinions of strangers regarding her personal choices. After a summer of debating whether women are wearing too few clothes (ew, tramp!) or too many (ew, national security threat!), autumn is finally upon us to offer women some relief from decoding the various moral meanings arbitrarily ascribed to their clothing.
But being a modern woman is hard work. Who has the time to navigate society’s contradictory standards of modesty? Here are a few easy ways to avoid upsetting people you’ve never met.
1) Buy fake products that make you invisible, like this one we totally made up!
Just think of how many times you’ve wanted to just walk to the grocery store or finish a shift at work without someone making some sort of comment about the way you look. Enter the Transparen-she, a totally fake product we completely made up that allows a woman to navigate the impossible standards of society.
For our invention, "scientists" have woven society’s simultaneous expectations of sexiness and chastity into a space-age fabric. When you combine these two impossible double standards, they create a visual void that we call "A Woman-Hood,"™ completely eliminating the need for a woman’s presence. Common solutions like people minding their goddamn business or letting women live can take years of training, but with the Transparen-she, the results are instant.
2) Wear a big sheet over your head
Is the Transparen-she too pricey? Try this simple life hack: Use an old sheet to cover your entire body. This look has been spotted on the side streets of Venice and in the vegan bakeries of Echo Park. Don’t worry about looking weird — Halloween is right around the corner, so you’ll just look extra prepared for trick-or-treating, whether you’re a sexy refugee or a prude ghoul. Just be cautious around open flames and small children.
3) Don’t go to school
School might be for learning, but it’s also for setting arbitrary rules about what girls can or cannot wear in an effort to ensure boys never discover they have self-control. Instead of going through the shame of being sent home because your collarbones were showing or because people realized you possess a stomach, just don’t show up for classes so you can spend your days counting moth balls and watching Maury — go ahead and feel the decline of your career prospects.
4) Skip work
For the older crowd, you may want to avoid the embarrassment of a co-worker tossing you a sweater mid-sentence. This also means men won’t be able to dominate 75 percent of your conversations.
5) Don’t go outside
Several seaside towns in France banned women from wearing burkinis on beaches as a way to thwart terrorism earlier this summer. Guess they wouldn’t have been ticketed if they’d just stayed on the couch. So instead of expressing your personhood through traditional means like freely occupying public spaces, treat yourself to indoor activities like cleaning the inside of your bathroom cabinet or reading The Power of Now while crying into a bag of Cheetos.
6) Adapt advice on making your pores "virtually invisible" to your personality
If you absolutely must leave the house, make sure your personality draws as little attention as possible. Minimizing how much you talk, refraining from wacky arm movements, and generally avoiding giving an opinion can be pretty effective here. This technique doubles as a way to avoid any policing of the sound of your voice, a fun national hobby.
7) Wear headphones
Nope, sorry, that only makes some men think you’re a challenge and makes them even more likely to notice you. Even when you thought there was a way to do your thing in public, some men find a way to erase the little bit of sanity you had left.
If none of these solutions work, you could alternatively just get your hands on a dad bod. It might not make you invisible, but it will make you practically immune to criticism!
