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Watch: the story of Jenny Slate and her dog is a cinematic masterpiece

This past weekend, Jenny Slate delighted dozens across the internet when she confirmed that she and Chris "Captain America" Evans are dating. But when she appeared on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert Monday night, it was to talk about her meet-cute with another man: her dog, Reggie. And oh, what an epic tale she unfolds.

The Ballad of Reggie and Jenny, as I am now calling it in my head, is a heartwarming coming-of-age story that any art house indie cinema would be proud to show. It’s got everything: broken dreams, drama, horror, disgust, heartbreak, squished burritos, containers full of urine, and, most importantly of all, adorable doggies.

Slate explained that when she was just out of college, she decided to try to break into show business by becoming the personal assistant to an opera singer — the classiest of the performing arts, as Colbert pointed out. "He seemed pretty … normal? I guess?" Slate told Colbert, foreshadowing the horror that was to come.

Her first duty as his assistant was to help him "redecorate" his apartment. But when she arrived to the site she found the door half-open — "truly from a horror movie," she said — and when she stepped inside, she was met with an unpleasant surprise.

"I stepped on a full burrito," she told Colbert.

"That’s not a euphemism for something," Colbert clarified. "It’s actually a full burrito."

"It was a complete burrito," she confirmed.

The apartment was covered in trash and drugs, as well as several jars of what Slate profoundly hoped might be some sort of special opera singer tea but clearly was not. (At this juncture, the audience recoiled audibly. "Are you guys okay?" Slate asked with concern.) "It’s such poor planning for a drug dealer to save their urine," Colbert mused.

After making her escape, Slate headed for the refuge of all emotionally scarred young women: the pet store, where you can look at puppies frolicking adorably and be reminded that some things in this world are still pure. It wasn’t long before she fell in love.

On offer at the pet store was a fully grown dog, outside the adorable puppy age bracket; a store employee told Slate they were having a hard time finding a place for him and that no one really wanted him. "Sold," said Slate. She and the now elderly Reggie have been together ever since.

I fully expect The Ballad of Reggie and Jenny to come to theaters in 2017, and I will be there opening weekend. Chris "human golden retriever" Evans can cameo if he wishes.

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