Super Bowl commercials are a big deal.
At a cost of up to $5 million for a 30-second spot that's often full of celebrities, pop music, and special effects, advertisers are clearly willing to pay a premium to be a part of the big game.
And there's good reason for that. The Super Bowl is the only television broadcast of the year guaranteed to draw a gigantic audience. Last year's game was watched by 114.4 million viewers, the most people who have ever watched a TV broadcast in the US. And that record will quite possibly be broken this year, with a game between the top seeds in the American Football Conference and the National Football Conference, the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers, respectively. (Also, it will probably be broken because the US population, and thus the total pool of potential viewers, keeps growing.)
Here are all the 2016 Super Bowl commercials, listed alphabetically by advertiser. More will be added as they're released throughout the weekend.
10 Cloverfield Lane
John Goodman holds Mary Elizabeth Winstead in his underground bunker. Is he a kidnapper, or is he telling the truth when he says that "it isn't safe out there"? Nicely creepy.
Acura NSX: "What He Said"
YEAH!!! IF YOU DRIVE THIS CAR, YOU'RE GONNA SCREAM LIKE THE GUY IN THIS AD!!! YEAH!!!
Adobe: "The Gambler"
Well, we learned almost nothing about "Adobe Marketing Cloud," the service (or product?) this ad is ostensibly selling. But the meta commentary on how ridiculously expensive Super Bowl ads have gotten is fairly clever, and you might even find yourself experiencing a sudden craving for cream cheese.
Advil: "Distant Memory"
Advil promises that with its secret powers, your pain will become "a distant memory." Maybe all that Advil is why we can never remember where we put our keys.
Amazon Echo: "Baldwin Bowl Party"
Alec Baldwin (who's basically in character as 30 Rock's Jack Donaghy) and former Miami Dolphins quarterback/Ace Ventura actor Dan Marino stage a Super Bowl party with the help of Amazon's Echo voice command device. The best part about this ad is when Jason Schwartzman asks an older woman, "So how much money do you make?"
Apartments.com: Lil' Wayne and Jeff Goldblum
This ad is a bit like Rachel's ill-fated English trifle from that famous Friends episode — it consists of a bunch of different stuff thrown into one bowl, and it doesn't necessarily all go together. But who knew Jeff Goldblum had such a mellifluous singing voice?
Audi R8: "Commander"
There are a bunch of ways to make a Super Bowl ad. Most commercials aim for the "brief gag" format, but some adventurous companies produce what amount to short films. Audi took that approach with this ad, which combines Space Race nostalgia and David Bowie for maximum impact. Downside: It accidentally argues that we should let old people who are possibly suffering from dementia drive 205 mph cars.
This ad is like a very strange "2015 in review" think piece, complete with a mention of "the Dress." It's also part of a longstanding Super Bowl tradition: ostensibly funny ads that have very little to do with the product they're trying to sell. Of course, when the product is avocados, you can see why.
Axe: "Find Your Magic"
After years of trying to suggest that Axe itself is the only thing necessary for young men to attract good times and good-looking women, it now decides that said young men will have to start actually working on being more than "someone who doesn't smell bad." It's kind of a canny marketing shift for the company (which has long been associated with bro culture), and not a bad ad (though the longer one is better).
Beyoncé: Formation World Tour
The singer announces her latest world tour just moments after concluding her performance in the halftime show. Not a bad publicity call.
Bud Light: Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen for Bud Light Party
Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen make dick jokes, sit astride horses, visit the nation's capital, and quote Independence Day in the service of watery light beer. This is everything the rest of the world thinks about the United States in one 30-second spot. #America.
Budweiser: Helen Mirren
We're not at all convinced that Budweiser is Helen Mirren's drink of choice, but this anti-drunk-driving PSA is kinda great all the same. When Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren tells you not to drive drunk, you listen.
Budweiser: "Not Backing Down"
Another Super Bowl, another ad featuring Budweiser's famous Clydesdales. The circle of life continues. The subtext of this one? Yeah, we make bad beer, but we make a lot.
Buick: "The Big Day"
Emily Ratajkowski and Odell Beckham Jr. turn up to sell you a car at a wedding. This ad is pretty overthought.
Butterfinger: "Bolder Than Bold"
Sadly, this ad about skydiving while riding a bull doesn't come with a gigantic "DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME" disclaimer across the whole screen at the very start. America's children are at risk!
Captain America: Civil War
Sure, but where's Spider-Man, Marvel? Where's Spider-Man?!
Coca Cola: Hulk vs. Ant-Man
Ant-Man and Hulk face off in a battle over a mini Coke can. Our biggest issue here: Why would Hulk try to open the can of Coke? He could probably just eat it and get roughly the same effect. He's a giant!
Colgate: Save water
In celebration of Super Bowl 50, Colgate would like to remind you that many of the wars of the 21st century could be fought over water shortages, without actually coming out and saying that.
Dollar Shave Club: "Zeke"
Dollar Shave Club says that if your razor is making lewd comments, you should just sign up for their service, rather than putting up with it anymore. We've been needing a source for non-anthropomorphized razors.
Doritos: Doritos Dogs
You probably shouldn't be feeding your dogs people food. Even if they're stray dogs who figure out how to impersonate a person in a trench coat to buy Doritos at a supermarket.
This is a commercial about how your parents can disappoint you, even when you're in the womb. It's about how you'll eventually realize they're just, kinda, jerks, and the only way you can ensure happiness is to take care of it yourself. Thanks, Doritos!
Esurance: "Pass It On Sweepstakes"
Esurance wants to give you money if you'll just help it with its promotional goals by retweeting its Super Bowl tweets. Immediately after watching this ad, millions of grandparents are going to ask millions of grandchildren, "Now what's a retweet again?"
The best part of this ad is the cut from the fancy woman in a dress taking someone's hand to that same woman (now at a martial arts class) throwing someone to the ground. It's not clear why you'd need a Fitbit watch, but this is a nicely edited ad all the same.
Heinz: Weiner dogs
Dogs? Check. People in funny costumes? Check. Attempt to mildly rebrand products all of us use anyway? Check. This Heinz ad might be the Platonic ideal of Super Bowl ads.
Honda Ridgeline: Talking animals
Singing sheep are pretty cute, but what makes this ad is the reveal of the narrator who's telling us all about how the Ridgeline has "truck bed audio," which is apparently a thing sheep farmers have been requesting.
Hyundai: "The Chase"
Here's one advantage of having a car that you can start by talking into your watch: You can start it while you're running away from a bear. If only Leonardo DiCaprio had had this advantage in The Revenant.
Hyundai: "First Date"
A dad freaking out about his daughter's first date is a trope so shopworn it was old when your grandparents were freaking out about your parents. But when the dad is Kevin Hart? It might still have some juice in it. It's also a spiffy way to show off Hyundai's "Car Finder" feature, so it kinda sorta works as actual advertising — an increasing rarity in Super Bowl commercials.
The women driving the car in this ad are so excited about seeing Ryan Reynolds that they must be time travelers from 2009.
Independence Day: Resurgence
The original Independence Day revolutionized movie marketing at the Super Bowl, so it makes sense that this one would turn up as well. But goodness, look at all that computer-generated destruction. It's all so ... shiny? Not sure how we feel about that.
Intuit: Vikings for Death Wish Coffee
Every time you drink Death Wish Coffee, you're drinking a bunch of Vikings! (Also, technically, this isn't an ad for coffee; it's an ad for accounting software, which is trying to sell its charitable side — or something — by airing an ad for a "small business.")
Jack in the Box: "Declaration of Delicious"
If you don't live in an area that has Jack in the Box, here's your opportunity to watch one of their ads and pretend you do! This one argues that the true measure of patriotism is how many fast food burgers you eat. That ... might be accurate.
We've known almost nothing about this film since it was announced, so it was a thrill to see Bourne pop up again during the Super Bowl. It looks like he's still really good at kicking and punching people, as you'd likely expect.
The only thing you need to be self-sufficient is a Jeep, it would seem. You can go anywhere, do anything, and fill that gaping emotional gap in your heart!
"We don't make Jeep. You do," this ad solemnly intones. That doesn't make any sense! We don't regularly make Jeeps at all!
Jublia: Secret Football Lounge
We live in an age when a toenail fungus remedy regularly advertises at the Super Bowl. These are heady times, friends. Heady times!
The Jungle Book
The neatest thing about this ad is the way that it tries to mimic the effect of watching a 3D movie on a non-3D TV. It doesn't really work, mind, as it seems like Baloo is going to march out of your TV and start chewing on your face, but it's a solid notion.
Kia: "Walken Closet"
"It's like the world's most exciting pair of socks, but it's a midsize sedan," as delivered by Christopher Walken, may be the single best line of dialogue in any of this year's ads.
LG: Liam Neeson as the Man From the Future
"There's a revolution coming," says Liam Neeson, as if he's been hanging out with Bernie Sanders. If only Sanders could promise Tron-style light cycle races and much thinner TVs like Liam Neeson can!
Marmot: "Love the Outside"
A man falls in love with a marmot in this ad, but he also learns a valuable lesson about how love sometimes isn't reciprocated. Heartbreaking.
Michelob Ultra: "Breathe"
Finally, calorie counters have a weak, mass-produced beer to call their very own.
Mini: "Defy Labels" with Serena Williams
Implying that if you drive this car people will jeer at you seems like a strange way to sell a product, but what do we know? However, this ad also seems to suggest that small children should be driving motor vehicles, and we feel confident in saying that's definitely a bad idea.
Mobile Strike: "Arnold's Fight"
You fools! No one starts a ground war with Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Mountain Dew Kickstart: "Puppymonkeybaby"
Robert Eggers's new film The Witch has been declared an official "Satanic experience," and it's still not as frightening as this Kickstart commercial, in which three bros are set upon by a horrifying creature of unimaginable menace. Watch with the sound on, and never sleep again.
NFL: Seal and a baby choir
Is this ad adorable? Is it just a little bit horrifying? You make the call!
NoMore.org: Domestic violence PSA
This understated PSA is the second the NFL has aired to raise awareness about domestic violence; see last year's here.
This is such a weird ad, if only for the moment when a man who can't poop gazes longingly after a woman who has toilet paper stuck to her shoe.
Pantene: "Strong Is Beautiful"
NFL players DeAngelo Williams, Jason Witten, and Benjamin Watson showcase their hairdressing skills on their adorable little daughters, in service of the message that girls who spend quality time with their dads grow up to be stronger women. We're not tearing up, you're tearing up.
PayPal: There's a New Money in Town
PayPal makes the claim that it is "new money," compared to "old money," which would be kind of cute if PayPal weren't ancient in internet terms. It is, after all, most closely associated with eBay (though it has split from the company). Still, the attempt to make PayPal sound a bit like Bitcoin — or at least to argue it's much cooler and more diverse than a $50 bill — gets points for chutzpah.
Pepsi: "Joy of Pepsi," with Janelle Monáe
This ad is almost too short to achieve its full effect. To really work, it needs more time to focus on the singing, dancing, and seemingly seamless shift from era to era. Still, Janelle Monáe is a fun screen presence.
Persil: "America's #1 Rated"
This is about as straightforward as a commercial can get, so there's really nothing to say. Laundry detergent!
Pokémon: 20th anniversary
This ad is super confusing. First, a kid takes up marathon running. Then another kid becomes a chess champion. Still another starts playing football. And then another one gets really good at Pokémon? Look, find your thing wherever it may be, but if we're forced to play favorites among children who are really good at running, chess, football, or Pokémon ... we're not going to answer that question.
Quicken Rocket Loans: "What We Were Thinking"
"What if you could buy a mortgage on your phone?" asks a commercial that will almost certainly be used for dramatic irony in The Big Short 2.
Schick: "Robot Razors"
See, if you buy this new razor, you'll have a super high-tech robot razor that bullies all of the other razors until they finally just give up and go down the drain. Won't you feel better about yourself then?
The Secret Life of Pets
What do pets do when you're away? Nothing good!
Shock Top: T.J. Miller and an insulting orange
T.J. Miller can do no wrong at the moment, and that extends to this ad, in which he insults the Shock Top orange, who insults him right back. This ad shouldn't be as amusing as it is, but here we are.
Skittles: Steven Tyler
Finally, an ad that illustrates how Skittles can be used for all your arts and crafts needs.
Snickers: Willem Dafoe as Marilyn Monroe
This commercial raises all sorts of questions about the time-space continuum — questions it's almost certainly not prepared to answer. Also: Marilyn Monroe doesn't really seem like the Snickers type. Milky Way seems more her style.
SoFi: "Great Loans for Great People"
This ad posits an Orwellian nightmare where the financial services industry determines if you are "great" or not with the help of an unseen narrator. Good luck surviving in an economy controlled by voiceover, everybody!
Squarespace: Key and Peele
This is not a very good ad, but it does have Key and Peele in it, which is a huge advantage over, say, a Puppymonkeybaby.
SunTrust: "Hold Your Breath"
Selling a financial services and banking company during the Super Bowl can't be easy. So SunTrust just made a montage of striking imagery and "life milestones" and asked Gary Sinise to tell us how terrifying it can be when you're financially insecure. We know, Gary Sinise!
T-Mobile: "Drop the Balls"
Steve Harvey turns up to poke fun at his bad Miss Universe call, as T-Mobile mocks Verizon's seemingly ubiquitous ads where a bunch of balls supposedly represent the strength of their network. In response, T-Mobile just drops balls everywhere, which, sure. Why not?
T-Mobile: "Restricted Bling"
Drake's delivery of, "These changes don't ruin the song at all!" is the key to success for this ad that attempts to insert boilerplate cellphone contract language into "Hotline Bling."
Taco Bell: "Bigger Than..."
Taco Bell has the temerity to argue its new "quesalupa" will be bigger than football. Maybe in 40 years, we'll all remember this brash claim as the "Joe Namath guarantees the Jets will win the Super Bowl" of advertising, but we somehow doubt that.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Here is another thing that is happening.
Toyota: "Heck on Wheels"
Toyota leans into its hybrid car's reputation as the vehicle of choice for earthy-crunchy yuppies with a catchy song that includes lyrics about chai and not being pulled over by cops. Plus, there are singing ducks!
Toyota: "The Longest Chase"
Toyota wants you to know that if you are robbing a bank and need to get away quickly, a Prius is probably better than, like, a horse or something. Seems like a really specific market niche to hit.
Turbotax: Selling Out
Anthony Hopkins says he would never try to sell you anything, but then his dog is named Turbotax Dot Com. Something's fishy here...
Victoria's Secret: "Score More"
A Valentine's Day Victoria's Secret commercial in which all the women appear fully clothed — in football uniforms, no less? You can practically hear the disappointed sighs of would-be oglers everywhere.
If you buy these floor liners for your car or truck, you're not just supporting this company. You're supporting America.
Wix.com: Kung Fu Panda
This commercial would have been so much better if it had been a shot-for-shot remake of the famous "1984" Macintosh ad with the Kung Fu Panda characters.
Look at this walking, talking digestive system. Bold new frontiers in advertising are opening up before us with every new day.
There are so many people in this movie. And they're all going to be fighting each other. Or, more accurately, Oscar Isaac, who's suddenly everywhere.