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Every week, some prominent celebrity couple dares to go their separate ways, and Facebook and Twitter feeds proclaim that "LOVE IS DEAD" in the despondent tone one might use before swooning onto a fainting couch.
Recent weeks have seen particularly heavy casualties in the public relationship sphere. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, usually seen surrounded by their passel of cherubic blond children, ended a long marriage. Then there were country music cool kids Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, who broke hearts when they announced that their totally chill relationship was not, in fact, all that chill.
Not every couple deserves to wield this kind of heartrending power.
So here are this week's celebrity breakups, ranked in order of how worthy they were of your despondence.
5) Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith (didn't actually break up)
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This breakup automatically ranks the lowest because it didn't actually happen.
Still, Will Smith himself had to come out against the rumors on Facebook because they were so persistent, so distraught, and so very concerned for the fates of the Smiths' otherworldly children, Jaden and Willow (who would likely find a way to deal through transformative performance art that would put everyone's handwringing to shame).
Will and Jada's relationship has always been under scrutiny, thanks to their famously laissez-faire approach to being a couple. Reports of their possible divorce were often weirdly enthusiastic, like we had finally gotten the pair to admit that the hands-off approach is less effective than traditional monogamy.
But Smith has no time for such "foolishness," and so he made a promise: "If I ever decide to divorce my Queen — I SWEAR I'll tell you myself!"
4) Donald Sterling and Shelly Sterling
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Brace yourselves: After years of estrangement, former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling has filed for divorce from Shelly, his wife of 60 years.
Okay, so this particular divorce didn't make much of blip on the celebrity divorce radar at all, mostly because it was completely unsurprising, especially after Donald Sterling's very public controversies in 2014.
But the Sterlings are, technically, prominent public figures, and so they have a place on this list.
Technically.
3) Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog
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In a joint statement, hallowed Muppet couple Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog have announced that their "personal lives are now distinct and separate, and [they] will be seeing other people, pigs, frogs, et al." While it would be usually a no-brainer to put Muppet hijinks at the top of this or any list, we have to deduct points for endangering one of the greatest romances of all time in the name of a shameless publicity attempt.
ABC's new puppet star vehicle The Muppets, set to premiere on September 22, is a mockumentary about the backstage drama at Miss Piggy's new late-night talk show (which really should exist in real life). We're prepared to eat our words if Miss Piggy and Kermit's split lasts through the first season, but if we know the Muppets, these two will inevitably work out their problems with some screwball comedy and a touching song about true love. (Coming to you this fall, on ABC!)
Note: We are not including the upcoming X-Files revival’s apparent Mulder/Scully breakup, because those fictional characters failed to capitalize on our nostalgia with a public statement.
2) Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
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This one hurts. Gwen Stefani built a career on her ability to be a relentless rock star and a hopeless romantic all at once. Her heartbreak over the end of a relationship with No Doubt bandmate Tony Kanal inspired one of the most satisfying breakup anthems of all time with 1996's "Don't Speak."
Stefani's snarl came with a flirty wink, an inspiration for a generation of would-be dirtbags who just wanted to rock against the system and look good doing it, man.
When Stefani married Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale in 2002, it made sense. They were a perfectly badass, unaffected couple who never seemed impressed by their own fame. No one was surprised by their first son Kingston's ability to wear punk plaids and free-falling locks in a way that let everyone know he was already far cooler as a toddler than you'd ever be as an adult. The pair went on to have two more children, whom they named Zuma and Apollo, for unapproachable cool rock star reasons.
The dissolution of their union is a devastating blow to the more glam things in life. Really, the only way this breakup is acceptable is if we get another "Don't Speak" out of it.
1) Reba McEntire and Narvel Blackstock
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Yes, it's true. Country music's fun aunt has called it quits with her husband slash manager, Narvel Blackstock. This begs a serious question about love, life, and our priorities: How could we, as a nation, have ignored a celebrity husband with a name so majestic as Narvel Blackstock?
Even aside from Narvel Blackstock's perfect name, however, this split would still win this week's top spot for its sheer variety of bizarre factors. For one, McEntire and Blackstock's relationship spanned 26 years, three made-for-television movies, one doomed sitcom (Malibu Country), and two hilariously hesitant Christmas specials (Blake Shelton's Not So Family Christmas and Kelly Clarkson's Cautionary Christmas Music Tale). Their son Shelby Blackstock is an Indy race car driver.
It also turns out that Narvel Blackstock is actually Kelly Clarkson's father-in-law. In fact, rumor has it that the split happened despite Clarkson's best efforts to stop it. And if Kelly Clarkson can't bring you back together, love truly might be dead.
