On May 28, perennial wannabe presidential candidate Donald Trump announced in an interview with Fox News's Greta Van Susteren that he had a "beautiful" plan to defeat ISIS, but that it needs to remain a secret. "All I can tell you is it is a foolproof way of winning, and I’m not talking about what some people would say, but it is a foolproof way of winning the war with ISIS," Trump explained. Unsurprisingly, The Donald's claim has been roundly mocked and criticized in the week since the interview. What follows is a satirical imagining of how he would respond to his critics.
Good evening. Recently, I, Donald Trump, the most important and successful businessman in America, gave an interview in which I revealed that I have a foolproof secret plan to defeat ISIS but that I will not reveal it until I am elected president.
Predictably, low-life liberal scumbags like Jon Stewart have misunderstood my heroic efforts to defeat America’s enemies.
Here is what they don't understand. In capitalism you don’t get valuable things for free. I don’t want to hear any BS about "duty" or how withholding a viable plan to defeat ISIS would undermine "the interests of the nation." My foolproof plan to defeat ISIS Is very valuable — maybe the most valuable thing in the world. So I’m keeping it until the American people buy it off me with their votes. That is what a true patriot would do.
Back in 2011, before the last election, I said that if I got elected I would make OPEC lower its oil prices. My exact words were "I'm going to look 'em in the eye and say, 'Fellas, you'd have your fun. Your fun is over.'"
Well, I revealed that plan publicly, so that anyone could use it. And what happened after Obama won the election? OPEC lowered oil prices. Only a moron would think that was a coincidence. I'm not making that mistake again. No one is stealing my secret plan to defeat ISIS. You want it, you better elect me president.
And there is another very good reason why I am keeping my foolproof plan to defeat ISIS, which definitely exists and is for sure not something I made up to get headlines, a secret. Have you ever opened a can of soda and then left it for a while? The soda goes flat. Everyone knows that. Even a kid knows that. Defeating ISIS is the same. You can’t defeat ISIS with a plan that has been sitting out open for a long time. That’s the kind of rookie mistake Hillary Clinton would make. Not me. This plan will still be fresh when I get to the White House.
I also want to address the critics who have suggested that I could not possibly have developed an effective plan to defeat ISIS, because I have literally no experience in military strategy, foreign affairs, or diplomacy. Those people apparently aren't aware that there is a Trump real estate development in Dubai, which is located right there in the Middle East. I want you to answer one simple question: has ISIS taken over Dubai? No, of course not. It hasn't. No one can argue with that, so they're just trying to distract you with these dumb questions about expertise.
And finally, I don't want to hear any nonsense about how there can't possibly be one single plan to defeat ISIS once and for all because the conflict is being fueled by multiple complex regional dynamics. You know what I do when the managers at my hotels tell me their problems are complex? I fire them, because that's just an excuse, and excuses have no place in a successful business operation. It is the same with ISIS: once we get rid of the excuses, we will win. The fact that my hotels keep going bankrupt is not material to this discussion.
Thank you. Good night, and God bless America.