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The escaped llamas show the threat that llama extremism poses to America

America was transfixed this afternoon by the spectacle of two escaped llamas running amok through the streets of Phoenix. The llamas have now been detained, but many questions remain:

  1. What prompted the llamas to stage this operation?
  2. Was this as spontaneous as it appeared, or had the llamas pre-planned it?
  3. Do we know if the llamas acted alone?
  4. Does the FBI have a program in place to deal with the threat of home-grown llama extremists?
  5. Is it true that the llamas are rumored to have traveled to a camp in Syria to receive specialized training?
  6. How did the FBI overlook the obvious warning signs of llama radicalization in this Vine of a llama frolicking to DMX, which is rumored to have circulated among extremists?
  7. Could today's llama escape have been a false flag operation staged by alpacas to encourage an American military response against llamas, who are their enemies?
  8. Is it true that the so-called "brown llama" was in fact an alpaca who had infiltrated the llama community to act as an agent provocateur?
  9. Will moderate llama leaders be able to convince Americans that most llamas are peaceful, law-abiding citizens?
  10. Or is it already too late?
  11. Have thousands of llamas already been swept up in a nationwide dragnet designed to target llamas with a history of "suspicious activity"?
  12. Do scores of foreign-born llamas now face deportation simply because of their llama heritage?
  13. Will llama civil liberties be curtailed as Congress rushes to take action in order to appear tough on the llama threat?
  14. Is it true that the Obama administration has already petitioned the FISA court to increase its surveillance of the llama community?
  15. Where are the llamas who mounted today's escape attempt being detained?
  16. Were they mirandized after being apprehended?
  17. How can the Obama administration justify its decision use a specialized military tribunal for the llamas, given their previous push to move camelid trials to federal court?
  18. Will the llama tribunal permit hearsay evidence from alpacas?
  19. How could the alpacas have all that evidence ready to go so quickly?
  20. Doesn't it seem like the alpacas have been planning this whole thing for a while?
  21. Isn't it time to WAKE UP, SHEEPLE?
  22. Oh god, did we even consider whether sheep could be involved here too?
  23. What about goats?
  24. Did we miss the point of George Orwell's Animal Farm in a big way?
  25. Was he trying to warn us?
  26. Should we have paid more attention in Ms. Laughlin's 8th Grade English class?
  27. Can Ms. Laughlin save us now?
  28. Will she?
  29. Please?