America was transfixed this afternoon by the spectacle of two escaped llamas running amok through the streets of Phoenix. The llamas have now been detained, but many questions remain:
- What prompted the llamas to stage this operation?
- Was this as spontaneous as it appeared, or had the llamas pre-planned it?
- Do we know if the llamas acted alone?
- Does the FBI have a program in place to deal with the threat of home-grown llama extremists?
- Is it true that the llamas are rumored to have traveled to a camp in Syria to receive specialized training?
- How did the FBI overlook the obvious warning signs of llama radicalization in this Vine of a llama frolicking to DMX, which is rumored to have circulated among extremists?
- Could today's llama escape have been a false flag operation staged by alpacas to encourage an American military response against llamas, who are their enemies?
- Is it true that the so-called "brown llama" was in fact an alpaca who had infiltrated the llama community to act as an agent provocateur?
- Will moderate llama leaders be able to convince Americans that most llamas are peaceful, law-abiding citizens?
- Or is it already too late?
- Have thousands of llamas already been swept up in a nationwide dragnet designed to target llamas with a history of "suspicious activity"?
- Do scores of foreign-born llamas now face deportation simply because of their llama heritage?
- Will llama civil liberties be curtailed as Congress rushes to take action in order to appear tough on the llama threat?
- Is it true that the Obama administration has already petitioned the FISA court to increase its surveillance of the llama community?
- Where are the llamas who mounted today's escape attempt being detained?
- Were they mirandized after being apprehended?
- How can the Obama administration justify its decision use a specialized military tribunal for the llamas, given their previous push to move camelid trials to federal court?
- Will the llama tribunal permit hearsay evidence from alpacas?
- How could the alpacas have all that evidence ready to go so quickly?
- Doesn't it seem like the alpacas have been planning this whole thing for a while?
- Isn't it time to WAKE UP, SHEEPLE?
- Oh god, did we even consider whether sheep could be involved here too?
- What about goats?
- Did we miss the point of George Orwell's Animal Farm in a big way?
- Was he trying to warn us?
- Should we have paid more attention in Ms. Laughlin's 8th Grade English class?
- Can Ms. Laughlin save us now?
- Will she?
- Please?
