The NFL has officially selected the main halftime entertainment for Super Bowl 50, according to the Wall Street Journal, and the lucky act is ... Coldplay.
Yes, it's time to say goodbye to your dreams of seeing Rihanna strut around the stage, Jennifer Lopez sweep about in thousands of sequins, or Drake recreate the "Hotline Bling" video and/or its many meme iterations. The biggest game in American football will be soundtracked by British dad rock.
This completely conventional and uncontroversial choice isn't exactly a surprise, as Coldplay have been the rumored frontrunner for the gig ever since they announced last month that they'll be dropping their new album A Head Full of Dreams on Friday, December 4. (In related news, it's also being reported that the album won't be "immediately available" on Spotify or other music streaming services, mimicking Adele's incredibly successful strategy for 25.)
The only question that remains is whether Coldplay might enlist a supporting act. Like, say, Super Bowl veteran Beyoncé, who only just this week collaborated with the band on "Hymn for the Weekend"? Or lead singer Chris Martin's ex-wife, Gwyneth "Goop" Paltrow, who could perform some random Glee outtake, because why the hell not? Whoever it is, we'd like to preemptively wish him or her luck, because it'll be nigh impossible to beat last year's special guest:
(Actually, is it too late to get Missy in there? She's got a new single out, after all, and a dancing disco ball could easily blow Super Bowl 49's Left Shark out of the water.)
At the very least, Coldplay are a milquetoast choice that's unlikely to offend anyone — and given the NFL's tumultuous reputation as of late, that's probably exactly what it's looking for. The band will probably put on a perfectly fine show; we're probably in for a sweeping light display, several earnest grins, and lots of content mainstream-rock fans waving their hands in the audience. Happy 50th birthday indeed, Super Bowl!