Home Alone belongs to Kevin McCallister, the cherubic boy who rules over his empty house with whimsical Christmas cheer and a loaded BB gun.
But we wouldn't be nearly as invested in Kevin's newfound independence — and eventual longing for his enormous family — if we hadn't gotten to know the many, many McCallisters in all their suffocating glory before they accidentally ditched him just before Christmas.
So what better way to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Home Alone's release and the impending holiday season than ranking (fictional) children, in order from the utter worst to the very best?
11) Heather (Kristin Minter)
Heather, the McCallisters' oldest cousin and resident eye-rolling teen, was responsible for the botched head count that left Kevin home alone in the first place. When asked if she had completed said head count, Heather just smirked. "Eleven, including me. Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers ... and a partridge in a pear tree." And lo, they drove away, leaving Kevin home alone.
To quote the entire internet: Heather, you had one job.
10–7) Interchangeable child extras
Do you remember Rod McCallister? Or Tracy? Or Brooke?
How about Sondra? (Not pictured, such is Sondra's elusive nature.)
Yeah, neither do I.
6) Buzz (Devin Ratray)
Real talk: Buzz is terrible. Yes, he is the most prominent McCallister sibling by a mile, and he has some of the most quotable lines in the movie ("I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass"). But he has no regard for anyone's feelings, is needlessly mean to his little brother, and boasts a room full of so many teen boy clichés that every time I watch Kevin enter it, I wince for his lack of protective Hazmat suit.
Also, Buzz definitely only has a pet tarantula so he can taunt people with his pet tarantula, which is the worst reason to own anything.
There is a chance that in the real world, Buzz would outgrow his adolescent grossness and become something resembling a real person. We only know him at this stage of his life, though, and at this stage of his life, Buzz is garbage.
5) Megan (Hillary Wolf)
No, Kevin's older sister Megan doesn't have a whole lot to do in Home Alone. Still, she's maybe the only McCallister sibling who actually seems to realize that Kevin hanging out alone in Chicago is, at the very least, a mild cause for concern. She gets points for empathy — the very front that felled Buzz.
4) Jeff (Michael C. Maronna)
Jeff, like 90 percent of the McCallister kids, is mostly just a sneering bully. But Kevin's older brother who isn't Buzz still has the honor of delivering one of the best insults John Hughes ever wrote:
(The beauty is in its simplicity.)
3) Linnie (Angela Goethals)
Still: The best insult of Home Alone belongs to Kevin's older sister, Linnie. While almost every single person in the McCallister family finds it in their heart to let loose some truly pointed, terrible insults at poor Kevin, Linnie embraces a whole new level with her burn of choice:
That smirk at the end, wry and satisfied, is the kind of smug perfection that you just can't teach. Mais c'est la vie.
2) Kevin (Macaulay Culkin)
Kevin McCallister has endured as a childhood hero all these 25 years for a reason. He's sulky at first, but once he gets the house to himself, he's aces. Whether he's sledding down the stairs, conning pizza deliveries, taking down the Wet Bandits, or even just crafting himself some macaroni and cheese, Kevin is a great and engaging kid. Home Alone would not nearly be the cultural juggernaut it became if it weren't for him, not to mention Culkin's endlessly endearing performance.
What a doof. What a delight.
But there is still one superior McCallister, and for that, we turn to:
1) Fuller (Kieran Culkin)
I don't care that cousin Fuller wets the bed, or that said bedwetting drives Kevin into the attic. I only care about his jaunty suspenders, his habit of getting squished into small spaces, and the moment when someone cries, "Fuller, easy on the Pepsi!" Fuller, eyes wide behind those Coke-bottle glasses (oh, the irony), turns around and grins the biggest, most shit-eating grin possibly ever recorded on film.
God bless us, every one.
(But especially Fuller.)