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Cherilyn Sarkisian is a popular human entertainer, a phantasm of light and feathers we mere mortals know as Cher. She's famous for her wondrous acting performances in movies like Moonstruck and the timbre in her voice that produced songs like "Dark Lady." But there's another side to Cher that's eclipsed by the showgirl's shadow — that side lives on Twitter.
On Twitter, Cher is a digital oracle: she's predicting downfalls of nations one minute, calling attention to pressing animal rights matters the next, and alerting her followers to financial news in her next 140 characters. And she dispenses these bursts of passion in digital hieroglyphics — her tweets are part emoji and part Drudge report, all mixed with flashes of caustic mortality. Honestly, hers is one of the best Twitter feeds out there, a daily reaction to the news, filtered through the perspective of your aunt who just got a smartphone.
Here are some of the biggest news stories of the year, through the eyes of Cher:
December
Cher was not a fan of the swaps pushout:
GOD! R There Only 8 ppl In GOV.Working 4 WELFARE Of THE PPL. IN NEW BILL,BANKS CAN TRADE IN RISKY STOCKS AGAIN & IF THEY CRASH,U PAY 4 IT
— Cher (@cher) December 11, 2014
But she is a fan of Christmas:
Crew Would you like some xmas swag I saw a Xmas store & it made me feel so happy Give me some ideas of what you might like Many
— Cher (@cher) December 10, 2014
And she, like Vox editor in chief Ezra Klein, understands that this nation is still divided and broken:
4 haters….say what you wish about me,you can’t imagine how little I care 4 your good opinion of me.We R Still a Country Divided in many ways
— Cher (@cher) December 3, 2014
November
November was not kind to Cher. She went into mourning when news of director Mike Nichols's death broke:
"Dad"IS GONE HE LEAVES A VOID NO1 CAN FILL. Mike"Dad"Nichols IS GONE.MY HEART IS TRULY BROKEN U WERE A CALL AWAY IF I GOT MYSELF IN A JAM
— Cher (@cher) November 20, 2014
November was also the month of midterm elections:
I’m apologizing From my bone marrow. I tried 2twt w/out Crying,so I bashed the Beneath contempt slime who call themselves Gop legislators
— Cher (@cher) November 7, 2014
October
With Halloween and all, October seems like one of Cher's favorite months. Unfortunately, she hit some snags:
Went 2Michaels 2get Halloween stickers 2 make artwork W/Twins #WHOLEFOODS RAN OUT OF(Gianna’s) BLOODY WITCH FINGER COOKIES, OMG NO,NO,NO
— Cher (@cher) October 26, 2014
Cher was also fed up with politics and the congressional recess:
A Radicalized man struck a NY Policeman, With a HATCHET,The Policeman is in CRITICAL COND. HOW MANY PPL MUST DIE 4 #Congress 2 COME BACK
— Cher (@cher) October 24, 2014
And both Ebola and the blocking of Surgeon General nominee Vivek Murthy got her dander up:
Congressman #DarrellIssa is An IDIOT!HE Called Ebola ..EBOLI & Said it comes from "AFRICAN "Country of GUYANA ..AHH..THAT WOULD BE GUINEA
— Cher (@cher) October 25, 2014
We HAVE Ebola! What We DONT Have Is a SURGEON GENERAL! That TOP SPOT Is Empty Because GOP BLOCKED Dr.V.Murthy Who Doesn’t like ‘s ! SHAME
— Cher (@cher) October 13, 2014
Finally, she took some time out to troll Florida Gov. Rick Scott:
Gov #RickScott is a little girl in patent leather Maryjanes He wouldn’t come on stage 2debate,#CharlieCrist because Crist had a tiny Fan
— Cher (@cher) October 17, 2014
September
Cher weighed in on the Ray Rice/Adrian Peterson/NFL controversies, and found a use for the oft-neglected muscle emoji:
FOOTBALL PLAYERS R LIKE GLADIATORS! FOOTBALL IS A GREAT,YET BRUTAL GAME.THE PLAYERS SHOULD B Quintessential Examples of Humanity,NOT THUGS
— Cher (@cher) September 16, 2014
There was probably a night in September when Cher got home, poured herself a full-bodied red, and watched the documentary Blackfish by mistake:
#JAPANESE CAPTURE YOUNG DOLPHINS 4 AQUARIUMS, SHOWS,ie #SEAWORLD , & SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS LIVE Fetch Up to 200,000$ 1/2 DIE IN 2 Yrs
— Cher (@cher) September 14, 2014
After Blackfish, she saw a terrible commercial:
Omg Just when I thought id seen all the Garbage (Posing as food)#LittleCaesars PRETZEL CRUST PIZZA why not just go 2 nearest GARBAGE CAN
— Cher (@cher) September 6, 2014
August
In August, Cher was scared of ISIS:
IM NO HAWK, but ISIS Is Major Threat 2 Safety of USA.WE BLEW & LOST LIVES In Bush’s bs War,But USA MUST Pull World 2Gether & Rid It Of ISIS
— Cher (@cher) August 22, 2014
This is A+ use of the chicken leg emoji:
#Cristians #Yazidis on mountain will DIE & Need more than3 drops of water & Tiny amount of GENOCIDE, Heads cut off Crucifixions Help
— Cher (@cher) August 8, 2014
That moment in emoji is somehow topped by this:
Of Middle East & will keep it. Its horror story.#Obama shouldn’t have let it go so far. we Cant Stop them! w/out ‘s on ground.what 2 Do ?
— Cher (@cher) August 8, 2014
July
Condolences, Detroit. Love, Cher:
CONDOLENCES 2DISENFRANCHISED PPL OF DETROIT I’M SORRY U R NO LONGER A PART OF AMERICA NO WATER SINCE MARCH,& NO ELECTED OFFICIAL 2 SERVE U
— Cher (@cher) July 15, 2014
The use of emoji here is brilliant, if you consider how hard it is to navigate and remember where each of these emoji live:
We r ALL dazzled by Shiny objects TOYS of Every Shape 2 Distract us,but they can NEVER Make us Content SERVE SOMETHING
— Cher (@cher) July 2, 2014
Actually, it appears Cher saw Blackfish in July:
Went 2 watch Film in rm.ALL OF A SUDDEN #BLACKFISH Popped on my tv #Seaworld KILLS & Should b Obliterated If u Me PLEASE WATCH#Blackfish
— Cher (@cher) July 2, 2014
June
Saskatoon, you rocked Cher's world:
Just Got off stage In Saskatoon What a Lovely audience I didn’t think I Was as good as they were,But I Gave it MY ALL & They Seemed HAPPY
— Cher (@cher) June 22, 2014
It's a bit mystifying that Cher doesn't have someone that's hired to go to CVS for her:
I met a boy at the drug store today. He followed me in & we did Something i really hate doing! Taking pic on IPhone!! They always LOOK AWFUL
— Cher (@cher) June 13, 2014
June 2, 2014: Cher sticks to a diet:
Having Almond butter & Sliced apple not as good as ,But IM ON THE WAGON
— Cher (@cher) June 2, 2014
May
Cher's hashtag game is solid:
#LAZOO IS MURDERING (TRUTH,NOT OVER SENSITIVE WOMAN) #BILLY AS SURELY AS #PRESARGENTINA IS MURDERING #ARTURO KARMA IS A BITCH.... BITCH
— Cher (@cher) May 27, 2014
Cher also had some constructive criticism for Eurovision winner Conchita Wurst:
#Eurovision Winner is Fascinating✨ 2 Pieces of Advice..U Deserve a Lovelier Name & Wig This is NOT SHADE⚡️ I Respect & AdmireYour Resolve
— Cher (@cher) May 12, 2014
Even divine beings like Cher must sleep:
— Cher (@cher) May 8, 2014
April
In April, Cher settled the debate between Twizzlers and Red Vines:
#Twizzlers SUCK ! TASTE LIKE RUBBER/PLASTIC/PETROLEUM SLUGE/CLOWN SHOES YEAH #REDVINES BLACK LICORICE HEAVEN /NYC/ TAHITI
— Cher (@cher) April 29, 2014
And preached about the necessity of data (journalism?):
.@rigdonwf PLEASE,WOULD U B MORE SUCCINCT? IM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOUR FULL MEANING? COULD U USE MORE ADJECTIVES? NEED MORE DATA ! ALWAYS
— Cher (@cher) April 24, 2014
And Happy Easter:
Did I wish every1 A DELICIOUS EASTER I saw Magnum Ice Ceam Bar on TV ! WHOA I Think I Could Eat a "BOX" "I COULD Eat a Box By MYSELF"
— Cher (@cher) April 21, 2014
March
We find out Cher is in the pocket of big toaster oven:
.@katiep2249 @blanktgt @jillybird42 WE NEVER USE MICROWAVE ! There is Just TOO MUCH SCARY DATA WE USE A TOASTER OVEN ITS GREAT ✌️
— Cher (@cher) March 31, 2014
Cher is also a strong advocate of education:
.@ThaGlovely GET OUT THE FRIGGEN BOOKS & STUDY ! !CRAM !!! PULL UP BIG GIRL G- STRING & ACE IT
— Cher (@cher) March 27, 2014
Though she doesn't seem to be all that concerned with offending people:
meant 2 apologize 4 using word Handicapped instead of Disabled,but that stupid woman pissed me off & WATCH OUT 4 Pissed off Dyslexic HA
— Cher (@cher) March 15, 2014
February
Harsh? No:
WAIT HANDS & FEET PRINTS ? Hand & … OH FK HAND PRINTS & FOOT PRINTS ? I DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY IT ! FK DYSLEXIA !! Is that a HARSH
— Cher (@cher) February 13, 2014
January
And really, this should be every person's New Year's resolution:
Some1 said "Cher is STRONG! NOT True..I Push Ahead Even Though I AM AFRAID NOT Being Afraid IS HEAVEN✨Doing What You’re AFRAID Of Is Courage
— Cher (@cher) January 16, 2014
