Most people think the biggest news this week was all about the human race landing a probe on a comet, but did the comet #breaktheinternet? It did not. To be fair, neither did the picture of Kim Kardashian that appeared on Paper Magazine this week, even though it promised to do so by placing her butt front and center.
The internet remains sound. For now. In honor of Kim, let's see what a playlist of celebratory butt songs does to it.
"Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child
Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious" kicks off this butt-centric playlist with a repetitive drum beat and soaring duets. This song also popularized everyone's favorite Beyoncé line: "I don't think you're ready for this jelly." Just like you're not ready for this playlist, internet.
"Booty" by Jennifer Lopez, feat. Iggy Azalea
JLo's "Booty" sounds gratingly repetitive on a first listen, but the pairing of Lopez's vocals and Azalea's speak-singing actually creates different levels for a song that takes as its refrain "Throw up your hands if you love a big booty." Okay! Why not?
"Dance (A$$) Remix" by Big Sean, feat. Nicki Minaj
Big Sean, rapper and boyfriend of Ariana Grande, had his first big hit with "Dance (A$$).". But the song's remix, featuring Nikki Minaj, really brings this booty song to the next level. Minaj raps, "Wobbledy wobble, wo-wo-wobble, wobbin" about 100 times better than Big Sean does.
"Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj
This year, Minaj released her own butt-tastic anthem, featuring such stellar rapping as, "He keep telling me it's real, that he love my sex appeal/ Because he don't like 'em boney, he want something he can grab."
"Ms. New Booty" by Bubba Sparxxx, feat. Ying Yang Twins
This 2005 club favorite tends to lead to instantaneous bouncing. And how can you not love a song with lyrics like:
"Shake your ass, and the player's gonna show some love
Do that move you did just a minute ago
I guarantee you'll make all the dough"
"My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas
Fergie's new song doesn't hold a candle to the Black Eyed Peas 2009 hit "My Humps." Fergie owns this song, both in lyrical quality and personal domination. She just sounds like she's in charge. Check it out.
"Bubble Butt" by Major Lazer, feat. 2 Chainz, Bruno Mars, Tyga, and Mystic
There are almost as many voices in this song as there are repetitions of the words "bubble butt," but that's not a bad thing. Bruno Mars's and Tyga's voices sound so different from the chorus by Major Lazer that the song maintains an interesting variation all the way through.
"Shake Your Booty" by KC and the Sunshine Band
Take a break from all of this recent Top 40 music with this 1976 throwback. It's good, clean-sounding fun. "Shake shake shake/ Shake shake shake/Shake your boo-tay" KC and the Sunshine Band command, and it's hard to resist. Pretend you're in a movie set in the '70s.
"Rump Shaker" by Wreckx-N-Effect
"Check baby, check baby/ one two three four," Wreckx-N-Effect's "Rump Shaker" is everything great about early '90s rap: strange rhymes, catchy choruses, and a horn backing.
"Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen
Queen's '80s rock harmonies make for one of the most interesting songs on this playlist, since it feels like there are three songs packed into one four-minute track. And Queen is right: fat bottomed girls do, in fact, make the world go round, even if they don't #breaktheinternet.
"Back That Azz Up" by Juvenile
The radio version of this song was titled "Back that Thang Up," which was not nearly as exciting as the original version (the one featured here), featuring choice lines like "Girl, you looks good, won't you back that azz up/You'se a fine motherfucker, won't you back that azz up."
"Baby Got Back" by Sir-Mix-A-Lot
This is the king of all booty songs, and there is no better way to close out this playlist. It's been copied by many artists, sampled by some, and played to the accompaniment of quiet giggles at every middle school dance since the song first landed in 1992.