Still Alive Here

nobody@vox.com(Jenjen) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 04:02:42 +0000

The very beginning of Monday, August 10th

Midnight

I know I should probably have some sort of excuse for why I haven't written in a while, but I don't. Yes, my mom and I had a HUGE argument and she took the internet box away for a few days because of it, but I've had it back for three or four days and I just didn't feel like talking about my life. There's too much to say, and not nearly enough words currently in my personal vocabulary. I'll try to catch you up. Short and sweet. Ish.

My mom's a BITCH and I'm stuck with her until she throws me out.

I can't let her throw me out yet because I can't get student loans and have to save up for college by working.

Which means I have to live here. Near a bus stop.

The government is an even bigger bitch than my mom.

Fuck them for knowing NOTHING about health, and not putting worthy schools on their list.

Now it'll take months for me to save up what I need to start classes.

Niki's graduation party was a LOT of fun.

She's got a job now.

I've got more ideas for places to look for work.

Trying offices next.

I'm turning all my applications in on the same day so I hear back from them all at once (more or less).

Gramma might not move in with us.

If it weren't for the bunnies, the trees, and the hawks, I'd wish we'd never moved out.

There was a big, shiny black spider in my room last night.

I tried to catch it in an empty ice cream bucket to let it outside but it escaped and I lost it.

I shut my bedroom door and slept on the couch.

I still don't know where it is and I'm scared to sleep in my room tonight.

There are some spiders that cause your flesh to decay when they bite you.

And others that just kill you.

So I feel that I have a good reason to be terrified.

I'm out of water AGAIN and can't get to the store until Monday unless I get a ride.

Which I won't.

I miss Niki already and fear that with us both working, we'll never see each other.

I'm scared of losing more friends.

I only have two.

Three if you count Aunt Donna.

But we still haven't talked much yet.

I've been drawing, singing, and dancing more.

I feel like I'm wasting my life.

Nothing I do seems to have a purpose.

And no purpose I work towards seems certain enough to be worth the effort.

And I'm terrified that I won't be able to get a good enough job with the degree I want.

And that with my first job, I'll end up having to spend that money on another degree that I don't even like.

I've spent the last nineteen years waiting for my life to start.

I can't bear to think that working my ass off for (roughly) the next two years will lead me right back to here.

I'm scared that Cameron's new extreme passion for music is going to leave me in the dust.

Even though he says he only wants to sing with me.

And I'm scared that he'll dive head first into a new major that won't get him a job.

And that because of that he'll be in his parents' house for another ten years.

There's no way in hell he could survive that long with them.

I feel so alone.

I'm also addicted to lonelygirl15 and the Dragon Wars app on myspace.

How pathetic is that?

I haven't even played SyrupTales in like a month.

And I'm ONE level away from finally becoming a wizard.

And I have no life.

And I still can't spend any money.

My bank account is taunting me.

I just want some vegetables.

Every day.

And clean water that isn't full of poison.

And mascara. Because I've been trying to convince myself to buy more for a YEAR.

And my skin looks horrible.

Because when I get really upset or nervous, my fingers attack every imperfect pore they can find.

I decided today that I'm not going to do that anymore.

I won't touch my face (or neck) unless I'm washing it or putting on makeup.

I hate this place.

On the bright side... today I got an envelope from the bank and opened it.

And then I found ten dollars.

Hello, water fund.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Vox’s posts tagged ten years

Still Alive Here