JB Jeyaratnam

I've often thought that the best way to honour a great spirit is to reflect on the achievements of that spirit after the passing of its mortal coil through thought, word and deed.  Not silence.  So, the past 7 days, after the passing of Joshua Benjamin Jeyaratnam, i posted 'in memoriams', reflections, and spoke about it to my social circle.  His spirit thus validated, now i move on to 7 days of silent reflection in respect, not of his passing, but of his life and all he stood for - resilience, perseverence, resolution, and love - in an effort to harness that strength and infuse it with my own.

That is how his spirit is reincarnated within the breast and mind of some.  Our conception of time leads us to think that reincarnation takes place upon death and birth.  I view 'rebirth' as something that takes place at the point of realisation.  That is when the spirit of another finds home within the heart of the one who reflects.

OM dear brother, Joshua Benjamin Jeyaratnam,

JBJ

ed
cyberpunk

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Last week

So we finally got there. We've arrived at our philosophy of life. It follows:

"A human being is a part of the whole, called by us, "Universe," a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest -- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security." : Albert Einstein - (1879-1955) Physicist and Professor, Nobel Prize 1921

As I read those marvellous words once again, they seem to speak to me as nothing else does. I think we can free ourselves from this prison if we practise the following: Every day, take a few minutes to withdraw from life seen from our human perspective, and seek solace from our cosmic perspective. Take a few minutes to savour the miracle that has brought us to this moment in time, a time billions of years in the making. We are the result of millions of years of evolution, and only now are we becoming dimly aware of the secrets of this stupendous universe to which we belong. Could it be that future generations will come to understand the glorious mystery of our existence? Could it be that our purpose in life is to pass on the baton of humanity in this cosmic quest for meaning? Could it be that another universe awaits us when our time in this one is done? The mind soars at the wonder of it all, while the soul is enriched beyond understanding.

So we must use our cosmic perspective as a wellspring for life seen from our human perspective; a human perspective that must balance our emotions with reason, for those emotions that enable us to soar may very well drive us to despair. We must not let them be our master. We must temper them with reason. And use that reason wisely, as Einstein urges us. Would that our politicians listened to Einstein.

It is a fascinating, wondrous journey that we take. Every moment of every day is a precious one, and not to be squandered on negative thoughts. For when the end of this journey comes, I think we should be mindful of Thoreau’s words,   "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

That is the lesson to be learned of this life. We must live it, and not squander it by satisfying only the base needs of the Maslow hierarchy. We need to aim for that self actualisation layer at the very summit. That is where we will find our meaning. That is where we will live life. Einstein points the way again:

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

So that’s it. I hope you got something from my musings. I certainly got something from bringing them to you. ‘Til next week.

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 LIke I said..the more things change...

night closing in on atco skyline

I don't like this particular "progress". They're dissecting this factory to turn it into upscale apartments and shopping center for rich people who would otherwise never step foot in this neighborhood. The reader may note also in the background is a steeple which is part of a building which used to be a church, but which is now a government agency.

But, as I was saying earlier... the more they remain the same.

9 October moon

This is my moon. It belongs to me. I know this and have always known this because when it is shining and I try to walk away from it, it follows me. In the year I was born, Neil Armstrong stepped on it, and it just so happens that my zodiac sign is Cancer, which makes me a Moon Child.  It has been one constant in my life. I don't have to pay a monthly fee to look at it, and its face is not marred with Ads By Google.

(BTW for you shutter-nutters, this particular shot is straight-off-the-camera, and is cropped down to actual pixels with no scaling. The only thing I did was add my watermark)

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The Ache And The Twilight of the Everyday Stay-At-Home Kuntzlerroman.

Oh, grace. Everything is ugly, scarred, bruised, and broken, stained, moulded and dirty. We have such little lives. The whole world that used to be our playground is abandoned to the weeds, the bright, happy colors of our old familiar neighborhood have been stripped, windows cracked, roofs caved in to leave the sacred little rooms of our old happy homes helpless under heavy clouds forever. Everyone's gone away but us, and once things were nice but now they're just okay. And it's okay to be vulnerable now. We're nothing but a few broken toys left in the yard and the rain, just plastic little reminders of people we'll never be or be with again. So smile, good friend, lets smile through our brokenness, because this broken world is ours, and we're all we have, and fragile is beautiful.

= )

The meaning of life isn't hard to access; it's what the movies tell us, when the boy meets the girl and they kiss at the end, with the wistful music that means "thank you" and "forever" and "goodbye". It's right there - that's what we all want, that's what we turn towards with every ache, style, hyperbole and prayer for answers to. That's the longing and the surrender that gives peace and healing; where the confessing and the heartsick break down in each others' arms and share the Most Important Moment Of Their Lives. This is why we create.

That's the magic place, the what-if place of Growing Up, where it's still okay to dream and where ethics, epistemics, and semiotics go unconscious to just feel the moment: the best part of the best song on the special mixtape, the one that brings you all the way back to right before nothing would ever be the same, the giving-up for which you are now wiser.

No, wait.

Look at yourself.

That's a learned response. Not the feeling, the movement of it, the orchestration of feelings that direct all those thoughts of 'I', 'me', 'they', 'this', 'then' - that's been taught to us. When? How? That's our story.

Can other people really teach us what our feelings mean? Can they really choreograph us?

Empathy is the most useful of emotions; the instability that passeth beyond all understanding. Empathy controls conversations with pregnant pauses. The empathetic Moment, watery-eyed and beautifully dispirited, has come and is now between us, and now we're useless. We are a feast for each other. 

This is our Ur-play. This is how modern people feed our souls.

Did you write this in your diary, or did somebody else? 

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Curious people ask the best questions.

They ask anybody, innocent to attitudes and poses, nieve to the replies they get. Curious people take or leave the esoteric, don't happen to prefer the systematic over the natural; the really curious don't even seem to notice where they go to ask their questions. They don't get dragged by enthusiasm or leash themselves to caution; the curious aren't hungry or thirsty for the truth, dying of un-truth as if the truth might save their life. They don't lust or yearn or suffer like the fanatics, or fix their faces with drear like the skeptics: they're curious, after all. They don't know dogmatic slumber from enlightened stupor. Curiosity needs nothing, wants for nothing, and missing nothing, misses nothing.

Philosophy is the story of incurious people.

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Anyone that is familiar with Me knows of my distaste for the current Administration.  I have attempted time & time again, to further point out the criminal Failings of the political leadership, Failings of catastrophic proportionality & relationship…Decisions I couldn’t, on my best day, understand…Decisions that were somehow affirmed in 2004, by a blind & befuddled AmericanElectorate, in re-electing a regime of Crooks & Simpletons.  The litany of Failings, at this point, 7.7years deep inside an 8year Rape* of the CommonMan, would make any fair-minded person shudder.

But despite all of the carnage, flotsam, jetsam & desolation created by the worst President & Congress in the history of this Country, I don’t think Anyone, except maybe a handful of forethinking Economists or MoneyManagers, could have contemplated GeorgieTheDope, Vader & their Footsoldiers accomplishing this, the fiscal Evisceration of the Worlds most elite financial instruments…The “Lifeblood” of our Economy, TheDope & his provocatively simple policies have blown the golden dome’s off every major Financial Institution…shocking.

I can just hear it now from what is still left of the BushLoyal…They would desperately retort, “how can You blame Georgie?  It was WallStreet greed & subprime lending this & that…the housing bubble yada yada…”  Well I‘ll tell ya how I can blame Georgie:  It is the accumulation of a Republican policy choice, it is the snowballing of a bedrock Republican principle, which is total unrestrictive deregulation of f*cking Everything including the most precious financial instruments on ThePlanet!  It is Economic Policy of total disfunction & unsustainability concocted by, then implemented by TheDopeAdministration…It is a philosophy which basically states, “No need to intervene, it is Capitalism’s engine purring like a cat, Trust what the CEO’s say, they know best…Laws? Internal & external controls?  Nawww, No need for law, controls, regulation, or oversight, WildWest anarchy creates parity”…Sure…

No FederalGovernment has spent more money in an 8year stretch, & guess what?  TheDope lowered taxes for Everyone, & most severely for the Wealthy, at the same time He spent our money like a scorned Woman with her estranged Husband’s credit card gallivanting down 5^thAvenue…A wanton Policy of spend-spend-spend-til’-yer-balls-turn-moneygreen philosophy, with a RubberstampCongress…Criminal, America, %100 criminal- minded…You BushFools need to wake the Hell up.

“Let the FreeMarkets work their Magic” or “TheMarkets don’t need to be watched, Supply & Demand guides HumanBehavior into correcting themselves…” or “TheMarkets know best…” are Mantra’s I have heard repeatedly like a Hitler propaganda slogan from every Sh*thead making mounds of money from the freewheeling & freedealing unregulated “Marketplace”.

Just entertain Me here BushVoters…sit back, fix a Martini, prop yer Heads back  tilted toward the Sky, relax a bit, & now try to picture what Life we would be like for You if ‘WeThePeople’ had foolheartedly accepted GeorgieTheDope’s brilliant idea of PRIVATIZING SOCIAL SECURITY !  Just think if We had collectively said “Sure Georgie” & then went ahead & invested ALL OF OUR RETIREMENT MONEY IN THE MARKETPLACE !  HA !  No 1 is talking about that right now!  Just another reality slapping You fools across yer botoxed faces!

(Put the anger in a bubble & blow it away…Ok…better)

The reason behind titling this piece “StrangeVictory.StrangeDefeat” is because in some guttural, instinctive sense, it seems appropriate & natural, this Meltdown has happened.  And for a guy like myself, it is all straight Validation & Vindication, in vaguely esoteric ways, seeing this unfold saturates my Heart with satisfaction…A part of Me wants to say to all the BushVoters out there something a great friend of mine used to always sarcastically repeat the morning after We had all gone out & drank a ton on his open tab at the bar, he would look at Us with this hungover, apathetic expression on his face & say, “Hope it was fun.  Hope it was fun... I sure hope it was fun…”   And that is what I feel like saying to Anyone who voted for Georgie.Vader & Rove, “Hope it was fun, hope it was fun…Sure hope it was fun.”

So, it is a StrangeVictory for a number of reasons, but primarily a Victory because this last Deathblow is so undeniable, it is so unarguable, that even for the last BushLoyalists, it seems rather untenable for You to assert Bush did anything of Value for this Country, at this point.

However, it is also a StrangeDefeat, in the obvious ways, We are all hurting, No doubts about that, & I wish that were different, I wish the value of my House wasn’t smaller than the value of my Car…Before TheDope, I never thought 1Man, 1President & his minions could be capable of so much damage & disrepair, so much global devastation…My Naïveté has been checked & corrected, I can assure You of that.  If I didn’t know then, I surely know now…1.20.2009.

* I 1^st typed ‘sodomy’ in place of ‘Rape’, but replaced ‘sodomy’ with ‘Rape’ because ‘sodomy’, unfortunately, is understating things, it has been a violent controlling manipulative Rape of the LowerClasses, period, for nearly 8years.

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A student asked his master, “Master, do I perceive reality correctly?”

In reply the master took an apple and dropped it to the ground and asked his student “what path did the apple follow”.

“Master, the apple fell straight down” said the student.

“Yes you are correct, but consider, the apple is held in the earth’s gravity and the earth is spinning, so how does the apple move now?”

“Master, the apple must be spinning in a circle as well as falling towards the center of the earth”

“Yes, you are correct, but the earth is orbiting the sun, so how does the apple move now?”

“And” said the master, “the sun is part of a galaxy which is spinning on its axis”

“And our galaxy is moving through the Universe”

“And the Universe is expanding”

“So tell me, how does the apple move?”

The student thought for a moment and replied, “But Master, what is beyond the Universe?”

The Master smiled and said “at least now you are asking the right question”

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Atheism is not a religion, but it still is classified as one.  I suppose the implication is that we all have a religion whether we want one or not.  As such, we atheists need some sort of holy text: a canon of life-guiding literature.

Now, it is no secret that the majority of atheists (at least all the famous ones and most of the people I have talked to) tend to share a fascination with science.  Indeed, most churches consider the "war" against atheism and the "war" against science one and the same.  I suppose that has some degree of logic to it since this unholy atheistic minority is often found defending evolution and touting scientific theory in general.  (Relgion also continues to look less and less probable as science progresses.)  As atheists, we also tend to rely on logic, evidence, and reason as guiding principles in the absence of faith, and all of these principals are key in the scientific method.

So I believe we are justified in basing the majority of our holy text in science or, more generally, academia, but before we get started, perhaps we should lay some ground rules.  The atheist canon will be viewed as fallible and mutable.  As human knowledge grows and expands, the text should be modified to coincide with new evidence and better theories so long as said modifications are academically justifiable.

Let us start with Charles Darwin's The Origin of Species, as it should be the most logical inclusion.  Other works which I am currently reading that may be worth consideration are The God Delusion and The Blind Watchmaker by Richard Dawkins, A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking, The Elegant Universe by Brian Greene, and The Third Chimpanzee and Guns, Germs, and Steel by Jared Diamond.  As a kind of guide for human interaction and greater understanding of our fellow man, I will nominate Please Understand Me by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates.

That is all I have to contribute for now, but please share other works you have found inspiring or insightful along your personal road as an atheist.  Perhaps one day we will compile a list worthy of the title, The Atheist Canon.

*Please do not take this too literally.  I am simply asking for your opinions on good academic or philosophical literature.  For fun, I may actually begin a running list of works elected for The Atheist Canon, so feel free to indulge me.

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Reading David Loy on Buddhism sent me back to Richard Rorty:

 . . . I may feel a specifically moral obligation to deprive both my children and myself of a portion of available food because there are starving people outside the door.  The word "moral" is appropriate here because the demand is less natural than the demand to feed my children.  It is less closely connected with my sense of who I am.  But the desire to feed the hungry stranger may of course become as tightly woven into my self-conception as the desire to feed my family.  Moral development in the individual, and moral progress in the human species as a whole, is a matter of re-marking human selves so as to enlarge the variety of relationships which constitute those selves.  The ideal limit of this process of enlargement is the self envisaged by Christian and Buddhist accounts of sainthood--an ideal self to whom the hunger and suffering of any human being (and even, perhaps, that of any other animal) is intensely painful.

 . . . The term "moral obligation" becomes increasingly less appropriate to the degree to which we identify with those whom we help: the degree to which we mention them when telling ourselves stories about who we are, the degree to which their story is also our story.

Richard Rorty, in Philosophy and Social Hope

Perhaps Loy and Rorty don't disagree, and the reason that I find Rorty's thought more congenial is simply that I am more comfortable with his secular rhetoric (despite the hat-tip to Christianity and Buddhism) than with Loy's religious way of framing things.

--David

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The funniest things have been happening with me recently regarding faith.

Finding out about a long lost uncle who converted to Christianity from Islam thirty or so years ago. I've been trying to get him back in touch with his sister, my mother.

On another note, lot's of debates and discussions about religion have been going on over the past few days. Mainly regarding Islam, but generally religion itself, and even God. Of course I do not see theism as being religious, it just indicates that you believe in a higher power. Religiousness implies worshipping God AND following some rules (or guides, however you wish to see it). Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is how I was brought up to think throughout my religious education classes at school.

I've been looking at Buddhism a lot lately, not as a religion but as a philosophy. I once had a debate about whether it is a religion or philosophy with a friend of mine who used to express his opinion against religions in general, but who later deemed himself as a 'Buddhist'. He argued that it was a philosophy. I've learnt that it is easier to live by philosophies though. Or perhaps not? I think a lot about philosophy and religion. I'd have less trouble following Buddhism as a philosophy than a religion though. People dispute worshipping God because they need proof of His existence. I dispute worshipping the Dalai Lama because he exists in human form. He is a mortal. His teachings and the Buddhist scriptures, however, I could use as a way of life.

The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.

Atisha (11th century Tibetan Buddhist master)

However, even taking the above in a philosophical light and trying to live by those 'philosophies' seems similar to living life through religious rules (or, again, guides). It's just that Buddhism seems to put it more clearly, more selflessly.

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At 8 am on Monday 20 March 2006, GOF and Mrs GOF were standing in front of their modest rural cottage, looking at the deep blue sky and appreciating a brief moment of total calm, silence, and serenity.  Only one thing was unusual.  All the birds were strangely quiet.
We were standing in the eye of tropical cyclone Larry, one of the most powerful storms ever to make landfall in Australias recorded history.
During the following 2 hours Larry twisted and uprooted any large trees which remained upstanding from the first onslaught of the storm, and flung our little farm outbuildings to all quadrants of the compass.
We thought we understood cyclones, having lived through many during 25 years here.
We did not.
The predicament facing us that morning can only be understood by those who have experienced a direct hit by the most ferocious of tropical cyclones/typhoon/hurricanes.  The realisation that your natural environment has been destroyed by the ferocity of mother nature, and that you could possibly not be around to see the sun come up on another day.
It is only with a large lump in my throat that I am able to recall that day, and remember those less fortunate than us....those whose dreams and homes were totally shattered and obliterated.

Moments like these tend to stop the clock of your life from ticking in its normal automatic unappreciative mode, and cause you to reset it using some different values of measurement.

My immediate appreciation was that, although we lost our little business/livelihood, we were spared, by good fortune of geography, our home.

I have, since that day, chosen on a daily basis to have some quiet time and acknowledge the little blessings I have in this life.
Occasionally I will share some of them with others.

This one is for the birds, who came back into our lives.
We hand feed up to 50 King Parrots at dawn every day.  They are one of 35 different species of birds which regularly visit our garden.
It reminds me that, at least in my little neck of the woods, the world is a very beautiful place indeed.

King Parrot

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This is one of those blogs where my thoughts are all topsy-turvy, popping around all over the place sort of like an old-fashioned popcorn machine, and I am going to attempt to gather them all together and explain something.  (This is actually my idea of fun on a lazy, rainy Saturday morning.)

It all started when I was 18 years old and I crammed all of my stuff into my teeny, tiny car – I think there were socks and papers flying out of the windows – and I headed for Santa Cruz, a 7 hour drive away from the only place I had ever lived, and my family, in Southern California.

After I found an apartment and a job, I felt……freedom!  I could finally do whatever my heart desired… and I took full advantage of this open door with all of my childness, yet with a few fearful reservations such as, “Well I don’t want to end up passed out in some jail or anything like that.”

Many Christian adults frown upon the reckless years of a transitioning teenager, saying to one another “She’s going to end up passed out in some jail” but this new sense of freedom was the best thing that could have happened to me and although I did some stupid (and some very stupid) things I have no regrets for that growing season.

I think it was the only way for me to eventually realize that hey, I really do like making my bed in the morning, and being nice to people.  I think I might even actually like God and going church on Sunday mornings – well, not every Sunday.  Thus began a deep, meaningful, personal faith alive in my heart, rather than pining away in the drudgery of correct behavior.

Many things would threaten my precious freedom of faith over the years, including well-meaning church leaders, Christian friends and even my own brain.  “Well I guess I should be doing this and that….” but then I would have wonderful wake-up moments and I couldn’t care less what people thought of me, as long as I was truly enjoying myself and confident I was going the right direction.

I suppose there are risks to following the desires of one’s heart.  The heart can be full of destruction.  What about the person who does end up in jail, and stays there?  Or the obese person who overeats for the love of junk food and finally dies from disease?  I have a hard time believing these people are truly following their desires however.  Their thinking has gone wrong somewhere.

Eventually this philosophy, whatever it’s called, began to move over into other areas of my life, such as school.  I was now a mom and while homeschooling my kids the traditional (public school system) way, I discovered that the unschooling approach worked much better not only for my kids, but for myself as well.

Without the formality and pressures of school, I come alive when I’m learning something new for my life; I just want to find out, ponder, and figure out more information.  This has also worked beautifully with my kids who are grades brighter than any other public school child their age.

I have seen this heart principle work in many different areas of my life.  I used to hate cooking.  It seemed like so much work just to feed a ravishing herd of kids who ungratefully devoured a meal in less than 30 seconds. So I didn’t cook for a while… and then a whole new exciting world of cooking opened up for me.

It’s the same idea that works for mountain biking.  It is only when I’m physically relaxed, not in fear of flipping over the handlebars, writhing in pain and defeat that the riding turns into the pure joy of fun.  And I find myself venturing all sorts of new stunts, riding just a little faster than the last time.  When I’m trying to follow the book too strictly, I instead find myself falling all over the place and going home crying, vowing never to do it again.

There are so many other ways I want to implement this way of turning miserable, hard work into happy, fulfilling and productive purposes:  earning money, yard work and cleaning the oven… Oh how I hate cleaning the oven!  I want to utilize it more in the way that I parent my kids too.

But I have so much more to learn about it….  It is a far cry from a formula or something that could be sold for profit.  I can’t quite put it all into words for this to make sense to someone who has yet to experience it, although I know that it’s nothing new.  I don’t even know what to call it except “something in my heart.”

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So I'm late for work...AGAIN!!!

I'm not printing out my schedule anymore, so its getting hard for me to remember what time I'm supposed to show up for work and all.

I shouldn't be taking my job for granted considering that the economy is in the shitter. But I've seen people at Macys accumulate so many points and never get fired despite being late or absent all the time.

Because there's nothing to look forward to, I sometimes wonder whats the point of getting to work on time. Oh yeah, its because I have to cover my ass up just in case they decide to let me go -_-

I did manage to study a little bit for my Philosophy quiz in the wee hours of 3AM this morning. It was hard to concentrate, but what was really hard was having that drive, that passion. That fire inside you that burns and won't stop at nothing to do well.

I know I'm putting in the work, I just wonder if I putting in enough effort.

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*sigh*

I feel tired right now. I'm supposed to study for a Philosophy quiz although I'm hella lazy to do anything about it -_-

Of course I've studied the material before. The only problem is that I haven't studied the material enough to have the confidence to believe that I WILL do well on this quiz.

The good thing about taking online classes is that its easier to cheat than if you were taking a test inside a classroom. The only problem is that online classes are basically independent study- its basically every man (and every woman) for themselves and if you aren't willing to discipline yourself, then you are going to fall flat on your ass!

There's no one to blame for my apathy and self-loathing except for me. Its one of the things that I hate about being an adult.

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This is a collection of things I have written that I think are at least half worth putting back up.  Since last I did one of these, I have added two short stories and maybe ten other forms of writing.  With 19 solid "Stories,"  7 short fiction pieces, and over 25 others, I would like to think that what I do for enjoyment is steadily becoming something I could do for money.  Years down the road, that is.  Enjoy.

STORIES(with no organization whatsoever):
Salvia Gets Too Real - Fourth and worst trip on Salvia.

The Most Puke I Have Ever Seen - Imagine this next scene.  Try to visualize it with me.  My eyes open to the ceiling, my body shocked out of deep REM sleep.  My legs and waist are moist. . .

Perfect Night Ruined by Marriot, Morning -- It turns out that drinking in the dorms is a bad plan.  But, for me, I have a great night, only to have it ruined by a morning hangover and the loss of my license. 

Hunter Takes it to the Limit, Throws Up Everywhere - In The Top Five Drunkest Nights

JMU, PART I - The first and, since, only time I have been breathalyzed.  There is no part II.  Part II would be better though, as it includes doing mushrooms, a starving French guy, five plus parties, nearly getting run over, really drunk chicks with australian accents, and BLOODHOUNDS.  But this story has none of that.

Pissing in Pools I & II - My double standard on people who pee in pools.

To Move My Body - When reality sinks in, when you think you've got nothing, you become psychic, telepathic, and shameless. This story has procession of Segways!

Hunter Blacks Out, Goes To Patient First, Blames Free Beer - Pretty self explanatory.

Drunk People - An interesting twist-- I'm not drunk in this story. For once in my life.

A Tucker Emulation, It Seems - The very first story I wrote.

The Things I Remember - I somehow wake up at 2PM in my dorm, still drunk from the night before.  A rough bus ride does me in.

Handcuffed, Robbed, and 6 O'clock Rush - Pretty self-explanatory.  Breakfast club.

Hunter Gets High, Driving Barely Ensues - I get high, and drive.  Sort of.

Lebanese: A "Nice Guy" Failure - Nine Guys, One Girl.  I get the girl and ride off into the sunset(upstairs), but turn out to be a "nice guy."

A Trip To Walmart - Seriously one of the best destinations while high.  Interesting, entertaining, sometimes a little creepy.

A Retelling of the First Time I Smoked

THE WEEKEND - A three day bender, with a decadent interlude of cheating debauchery.  All set to the soundtrack of the very trite Garden State. 

Short(or long) Stories(Fiction):

Nine-Tenths is Nothing - Our children are here to replace us.  One man attempts to slow this process by proving he is better than them and protecting his wife from kid perverts. 

Saint Dympna - My favorite.

The Sink at Sunset - Guy has mobile home of a heart.  This is life at 20.

Shells - My drug induced interpretation of the scramble suits in A Scanner Darkly caused this short.  Later turned into a short fiction piece (for a class) called Mise en Place or The Writer.

The Last Boat to the Disappearing - A seven vignette fiction piece about flaming zombies.  As much as I wish I had written them gay, they are actually on fire.

Solipsism - A creation story.  A story with Robots and Gods and space battles.  A story with a twist.  A story that kind of sucks, but has novelty.

Some others:

Can Blood Cells Have Car Accidents? - Thoughts after the fire.

Janus - Girl cheats on me.  Girl dies in short story Sink at Sunset.

Black and Mild - I'll miss drinking with friends on top of the roof at my old apartment.  I will miss that Mediterranean market, with its natural soaps and cheap spices.  I will miss all those families who called the cops on me when I played music too loud on Monday nights.  Ahh

Under a Hot Chicago Sun - I didn't even know my neighbors name.

H-D-P-E Does Not Spell "Hope"  -  Recycling is hopeful.  I am not.

It Is Only Hubris If I Fail - Childhood with a heavy dose of failure, sprinkled with Sloane Crosley.

Sick Dream D.A.N.C.E. - Dreams are fun.  Dreams about partying and religious fanatics that all have the same face... strange.  Sick dreams are most disturbing.

Tainted Elephant Oil Prices Dowsed in Sickly-Sweat-Stained Dreams - More sick dreams, musings on family life and relationships.

Zombie Christ Day

Metal Shows - Are awesome.  Especially when you know the band.  Even if it's at a lame venue. 

Derelict Father, Are We the Cause of Our Suffering?

Shit's Run Its Course - I inherit a bike from a metal head who stole it from a crack head.

The Bear, The Bee, The Rhino - I connect with mother nature, understand things I never thought possible.

Night Luck - I have only gotten in trouble with the law when sober.  Sobriety really takes the spine out of me.

Transcribing the Knowledge of The Smoke, Part I  -- I test my voice recorder during a toking session.  Heavy on the dialogue.

Transcribing the Knowledge of The Smoke, Part II -- The better half of the overall recording experience.  A lot of in depth high conversation. 

Friend's Mom Finds Out About Hunter's Livejournal, Missiles Fly - Probably one of the more significant events in the history of my online writing.

Jesus Freaks - I lament about my hatred for street-preachers.  This is a Facebook classic.

Bloody Knuckles - It wasn't a game that gave me these.

Diphenhydramine - The first time I ever tripped on a deliriant.

Bulgarians are Hardcore - Intoxicated 5 times the lethal limit, this Bulgarian gets hit by a car and sent to the hospital for minor head trauma.

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I suffer from a general lack of control.  We all do.  I'm sure you yourself can think of several personal examples of events or experiences where you acknowledge your lack of control of what occurred.

I want you to apply that to all situations in your life for me.  Can you do that?  Imagine everything—from the route you choose to go to work to the method by which you tie your shoelaces—and pretend they're like the fart that got away.  You know, you try very hard to be courteous and respectful of those around you, but hey, sometimes squeezing your buttocks together just doesn't cut it (get it?  Ha ha, I'm so funny, aren't I?  No.  Pay attention; I'm trying to make a point here).  Some of us have recognized this and just let the flatulence fly; still others are anal-retentive, taking pleasure in the control over our bowels our intangible consciousnesses seem to have over our physical bodies.

That's us.  We're all anal-retentive in that regard.  We seek to control the universe, to make it what we want it to be.  It gives us pleasure and happiness.  We all acknowledge how we begrudgingly do what it is we're told to do, told to do so because it is necessary to do so, necessary to do so because we're told to do so.  Certainly you can see the sort of infinite circle this argument creates (I am at least assuming so, but we'll get to assumptions in a moment).

But humans are not circular creatures.  Humans are linear thinkers.  A came before B; A caused B.  Draw a line and label a first point A and a second point further along the line from B and you've got a physical diagram of the passage of time between the events of A and B, and how the intervals of time (seconds, minutes, hours, etc.) led from one to the other.  We make assumptions based on linear thinking; if A occurs again, then we know somewhere along the line B is to follow.  This is how we attempt to control the universe, to make the null set universe (the "standard" universe) our own.

The universe on its own is undefined.  How couldn't it be?  There are no observers to make observations so, naturally, there are no observations about it.  For example, I am assuming you are there reading this (as evidenced by my frequent addresses of the reader), that you understand the vocabulary I use and the nature in which I us it (as evidenced by the simple fact that I do not take the time to first define in meticulous detail each and every word I attempt to use in this writing), and I assume you hold at least the most fundamental principles or biases of the human observer (as evidenced by my unconscious belief that the being or entity on the other side reading this—though I know not for sure—is human).  When you walk, you make the assumption the floor will hold you.  When you clock out of work, you expect payment on it's way; A causes B.  When you breathe, you make the assumption that it will let you live longer.

Immortal souls would never have the drive to do anything.  Why do you fight for your (assumed) right to live?  Why do you justify your next breath with the possibilities of the future, of time you haven't spent?  Because it is somehow precious to you.  Do you know why?  Because you know/understand/believe you have a limited supply of it.  Again, this is another assumption, but I want you to know that, from now on, we can simply assume that of everything.  You do it enough already, so how can this be any more difficult?

I have come to realize my whole life has been spent in trying to think myself to death.  Someday, I'll succeed, as will you.  Do you not believe me?  Think of it this way: what is one thing that remains constant every day (or at least periodically)?  You sleep, you rise, you tire.  Process repeats.  But what is sleep but simple training?  And what is death but eternal rest?

Throughout your day, the one thing you do constantly is think.  Your conscious, subconscious, and unconscious minds are always crunching away at some stimulus or another.  Of course this is done either simultaneously or in tandem with one another.  Your conscious mind could be pondering the nature of an exam you have later that evening about dinosaurs when your subconscious mind notices a mate potential in the shaggy brown-haired male skateboarding past you while signals received by your unconscious mind inform your consciousness that you are hungry, or otherwise need to acquire more energy if you wish to continue functioning at your current maximum capabilities.  With practice, the conscious mind can "hack" into the workings of the subconscious and unconscious mind (this is called "awareness"), but it exercises very little control over the subconscious mind and none whatsoever over the unconscious mind.  For example, a male can with great restraint keep his eyes from evaluating the milk-bags of a potential mate for motherhood, but he cannot convince his stomach he isn't hungry (any attempt would be suicide).

And thus is the nature of unhappiness: it stems from our awareness of our lack of control.  To believe one has control is delusional, but to be delusional is to be ignorant, which is bliss.  Murphy's law states "If you're content, don't worry; you'll get over it."  Every time you've become unhappy is directly caused by some event that made you see how little control you have over the occurrences of your world.  Got an F on a test?  You wish you had control over the result.  Had a bad accident?  You wish you had enough control over the universe to change the conditions to those that would have avoided the collision.  Love(s) of your life/lives leave you?  You wish you could change their mind.

Of course, acceptance of this lack of control is the only way to be truly happy again.  In each of the examples listed above, you'll accept the events as incontrovertible, and you'll move on, on to have the next upset to kick you back down again.  We're cyclic creatures, after all.  And we have not perfect efficiency; every second spent eating or drinking or doing hobbies or cleaning or grooming is another second that could have gone to production, but instead, being as weak and flawed as we are, it went to the maintenance of our psyche and well-being.

I hope you don't (or no longer) hate on my friend Death.  I can't wait to see him again—can't you?  To be removed of the burden of living, of being alive and prone to imperfection, of the general lack of control and the unproductive wishful thinking it leads to.  To sleep is to dream; and eternal rest is eternal slumber.

Leave me in peace to dream forever.

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Endgame, Vol. 2: Resistance

Derrick Jensen

Endgame, Vol. 1: The Problem of Civilization

Derrick Jensen

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As an atheist and an existentialist (no, they are not the same), I’ve grown fatigued by the nimrods and uneducated who cannot differentiate between the two, or who confuse nihilism with existentialism.

So let’s have a little Philosophy 101, because neither nihilism nor existentialism is a “religion.”

Nihilism is the pessimism of philosophy. It holds that life is ultimately trivial and meaningless. Extreme nihilistic views find suicide a reasonable response to life without meaning. But that is only the extreme; it is showcased in works by Dostoyevksy in The Possessed and by Camus in The Myth of Sisyphus.

Existentialism begins with by positing that a human must “exist” before it can “be” – that there is no god to give meaning; humans create their own meaning. This is done through personal choices rather than through communing with external/spiritual forces. John-Paul Sartre wrote extensively on existentialism.

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The vilification of sexual congress started a very long time ago when the emerging Hebrew tribes (with their male godhead’s versus the female-oriented ancient faiths) jockeyed for power in Ancient Greece, Sumerian, Babylon and other ancient cultures.  Scholars were quick to accept that the certain ancient texts referred to “sacred prostitutes” when in fact, a proper reading would perhaps suggest the word was closer to medium or priestess; thus, not prostitution as it might be viewed today but possibly (although not certainly) involving ritual sex – but ritual sex intended to be part of a sacred ceremony NOT sex for money.

The reality was that prior to the influx and increased influence of the Hebrew tribes (and subsequently the advent of Christianity), ritualized sex linked to the fecundity of the land and the health and prosperity of its people was recognized and practiced.  The intrinsically spiritual nature of sex was seen as a conduit to a higher state of being – with the “king” or male being the seed and the female representing the goddess.

Oddly, a form of “sacred” prostitution is practiced to this day in India (although in actual fact, I believe that the “sacred” prostitutes are actually fully exploited women of the “untouchable” caste who are being exposed to HIV/AIDS at a horrific level with no recourse due to their caste status under the law). 

The point to all this?

For centuries, what was once considered a ritualized, sacred rite which honoured both the woman and her partner as sacred devotees seeking enlightenment and a higher state of being has been brought to a level where the sexual congress which was part of a sacred ritual has been reduced to a purely physical coupling removed from any form of spirituality or emotional meaning.

As a result, sex has become in today’s society (and for a very long period of time) a bargaining tool, a commodity, an intolerable physical need, and/or simply a means to create more souls. 

In view of the prevalence and readily available engagement of the sexual senses and opportunities today to engage in sex, it is highly interesting that for many people it has become something to be avoided, derided or ashamed of.  This is not entirely surprising as when you view sex as an unfortunate urge, something to be done hurriedly, almost “gotten over with”.

The normal amount of time that intercourse lasts is between 3 (yes 3 MINUTES) and 13 … which is hardly enough time to satisfy either party.  While men may orgasm, simply completing a mechanical coupling is hardly emotionally or spiritually fulfilling and most women are barely warmed up at that point.

(And as an aside, if I believed in god, I would rail against the irony of women possessing a clitoris – the ONLY organ in either the male or female physiology whose ONLY function is sexual pleasure – only to place it in a place where a very large percentage of women would never reach a peak of sexual pleasure.)

Having waxed on about the emotional need I have for connecting at more than a physical level with a partner, I want to elucidate.

I truly believe that most people – unless seriously emotionally damaged – seek some form of connection OTHER than physical with potential sexual partners.

Oddly, this can be applicable even to those seeking those one-night stands.

I know that there are those who would argue they WANT that “two ships that pass in the night” experience with no expectations other than quick hot monkey sex on both sides… BUT I challenge ANYONE to really think about those quick, chance met sexual encounters.  I would bet that you have some good memories of some and not so good memories of others.

I think that is because regardless of the intention of either party, people connect at more than a purely physical level; even those who are merely interested in chance met encounters.  If the feelings on both sides are spiritually balanced, open and receptive, then the encounter can be a positive one; if, on the other hand, there is a dichotomy or the spirits clash as it were, then both parties are usually left vaguely dissatisfied and/or regretful.

I do NOT confuse or expect that every single sexual experience must carry with it a meaning beyond a healthy enjoyment of the purely physical sensation and delight a good sexual encounter can provide. 

NO – the point I want to make is that by indulging our PHYSICAL body, we in turn can and with no prior intent but only with an openness and receptiveness, can tap into a more satisfying physical experience with at least a vague awareess and acceptance of the spiritual element to it.

As a society, despite the explosion of apparent communication avenues and the means to communicate so readily and easily available, we are becoming increasingly divorced from the community of our fellow human beings.  It is an obvious and sad dichotomy that as we overtly seem to “collect’ friends, we are in fact increasingly becoming insular and removed from actual human contact – and without human contact, we are further cut off from the possibility of access to a rich world beyond the obvious.

In short, the more connected we become, the more DISconnected we are.

Marshall McLuhan predicted a global village and purely in terms of the communication highway, we are indeed, having egess to societies, cultures and countries that for many centuries were simply fantastic possibilities.

But a village by definition is a close-knit connected community.

Instead, because we cling stubbornly to the surface of our “communication” roads and do not look beneath the surface, we have and are losing the ability to reflect ….

It really is not rocket science.

The bottom line is that human beings are complex, complicated and multifaceted.  We are not simply a collection of cells nor are we merely organisms programmed to play out a predetermined set of genetic imperatives.  For whatever reason and for HOWEVER we ended up as the quixotic, odd individuals we are- we NEED to look beyond the instinctual compulsions and tap into that spiritual universe which our ancestors believed was as real as the earth on which we walk.  And being human, we need to utilize what we are given – in short, our physical bodies.

More to come