Vox’s posts tagged life

How Old Do I Really Feel?

nobody@vox.com(Mahoganie) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:08:10 +0000

In an episode of Roseanne, Roseanne and her sister Jackie are confronted with the reality that as their mother is aging so are they. It starts out with the mother, Beverly, announcing that she has bought a condo in an exclusive retirement community. When she asks the girls to have a look at her new place, it is here where Roseanne receives a shock to her system. A resident director enters into the scene and explains all the benefits to living in the community and also mentions should their mother end up in the hospital for an extensive stay, her condo would go back on the market and sold to a person on their housing waiting list.

"But what if she gets better?" asks Roseanne.

The resident director starts babbling off some more procedures and regulations.

"BUT what is she gets better?" Roseanne asks again.

This time the happy go-lightly tone in the resident director is turned off as she sullenly responds, "Mrs. Connor, these are not young people."

Of course this eludes to the fact that Beverly is in her golden years and that death is inevitable.

When the next scene is shown, Jackie and Roseanne arrive home with Roseanne pondering on the topic of age and death. Roseanne asks Jackie how old does she feel. Of course with a comic spin Jackie replies that she feels like she is 12 on a good day. Roseanne admits that she feels like she is 35 (maybe younger) despite the fact that she is 40. As the conversation goes on, Roseanne is having doubts about her mother living in the retirement community. Her doubts turn into fear as she further explains that the condo her mother is purchasing would be her last place on earth. She begins to see the retirement community as a place her mother goes to die. Furthermore, in thinking about her mother's age Roseanne is realizing that she too isn't getting any younger, or at least staying that way. By the end of the show Roseanne comes to grips with the shocking reality after her talk with Beverly, who admitted that she is 63 years old and that's how she felt, not a moment younger or older.

Today I've had to take a Roseanne moment and ponder over age a bit. Lately, I've been on this kick to wear and find more graphic tee shirts that boast vintage sayings or icons/characters. On a given day someone can find me rocking an old Strawberry Shortcake shirt that I made some cuts to in order for it to fit the way I wanted. I've had the shirt for a while, since I was about 18. I found it at some t-shirt shop along Rehoboth Beach..or was that Ocean City? I immediately fell in love with it because Strawberry Shortcake is part of my past. I'm a straight up 80's baby. What better way to pay homage to the 80's right?

Another time, one might catch me wearing my "I Love Being a Chocolate Girl" tee. I have a couple of other tees like these, but "strawberry" and "chocolate" are my favorite shirts. Today I purchased another shirt on the site 80'sTees.com. To be more specific it's a Cookie Monster shirt that I'm going to butcher like I did Strawberry Shortcake in order for it to fit like I want to and to make it more " fashionably urbanely" hip? I guess my Roseanne moment occurred the more I was browsing websites for graphic tees and fell in love with a lot of them actually. While a majority may seem a bit (ok a lot) teenager-ish, some of us adults can and DO wear them as well. Yet, at what age do you stop wearing a Strawberry Shortcake or a Cookie Monster shirt? When do you put away "childish" things and officially grow up or are we allowed to stay in touch with our inner child?

All my life I've been told that I'm more mature or seem older than what I am at the time. I've always liked this compliment, but I use to worry about when I did reach a certain age how old would I appear to be then? Would I eventually become TOO OLD???

When I was 12 nearing 13, my aunt told me that I would always attract older people, especially males. I never fully understood why this was or is. Needless to say she was right. When I was 16 folks thought I was a least 20, one 30something year old woman even thought I was 25. When I turned 21, a lot of folks I got to know told me daily that I was not the typical 21 year old and that I seem to be at least 30.

Now here I am at 28. A lot has transpired in my life that does make me feel like I've grown in more than one way. Yet I wonder if I am trying to hold onto to time in some kind of way. I don't feel or long to be younger. I'm excited to be facing 30. I do feel I have more growing to do, especially spiritually, but what am I'm trying to hold on to? As I've blogged before, the older I'm becoming the script is slowly flipping from my parents taking care of me to me taking care of them. I'm seeing this ever so clearly in recent days.... years. I saw it in the time my mother had her stroke, my father's ailing foot when he could barely walk and now as my 75 year old grandmother is battling depression. The older I'm becoming, the more the family is depending on me to be a caretaker.

When I saw that particular episode of Roseanne (over and over) I knew exactly how she felt. It's like your parents (no matter how much you love to hate them) they are your parents. To see them hurt, let alone facing death, is heartbreaking. Your selfishness expects them to live forever. Time is suppose to standstill at some point.

As I look at old photos of my family I notice everyone's youthfulness. When I look up from the photos and see their face in real time, I realize then that time really is real. Time doesn't lie. Everyone is aging, getting older.... even me.

So at 28, I'm not sure how I feel exactly, nor how I am suppose to feel at this age. I still feel some of the same spunk I've always had. The spunk that makes me want to get out and go do something. I also feel that with the change that I have gone through and want to continue with, some things I should leave behind; be it people or certain habits and maybe certain outward styles. I could say that since I became a mom, my one year old keeps me young. However, I just think my inner child never really died. She was just hiding in the shade somewhere. I could randomly pick a number less or greater than 28 and say that is how old I feel on a given day, but really a number is just a number. You are only as old as you feel or make that inanimate number "feel."

As for my days of wearing graphic tees with vintage characters and sayings on them, I'll hold onto them just a little while longer. At least until I really get tired of them and WHEN I FEEL that they are no longer deemed appropriate for my age.

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world's shortest personality test

nobody@vox.com(Lindsay Erika) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:05:26 +0000

Who would have thought that choosing a single picture out of nine on a simple quiz website could be so spot on? I doubt any professional psychologists had anything to do with this, but the image I was drawn to yielded a description of how I see myself and my world right now. Sometimes the internet spooks me with how much it knows. I'm going to go see what else it has found out about me.

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise.
Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself.
You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.

You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life.
You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world.
A good friend, you always give of yourself first.
Blogthings - The World's Shortest Personality Test

love-love. Lindsay

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Job 1 or Job 2

nobody@vox.com(Kp) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 18:27:02 +0000

OK, so I'm in an interesting situation.

Tired of the same day to day at my current position, coupled with the fact that I get these gradual reminders that my position is under active consideration for removal, I decided to look for other opportunities outside the bank (I would rather be proactive than reactive any day of the week).

Background info:

I work at a large and well known bank's legal department (a paralegal, nothing fancy now). I have become disenchanted because it seems as though I am stuck in the same monthly routine for the past 15 months. Nothing new is hardly ever thrown our way and to be quite frank, I'm bored. I feel like I learned what I could at this current position and any growth would have to come from either outside my department or outside the bank. Knowing that there is not much growth in this position I have unfortunately become an average performer. I get my work done but I don't have the drive for it anymore to go that extra step above and beyond because there really is no real impetus to.

I know I probably could be more active and search for more. What I mean is that I know I could make some progress about my current situation if I played and stuck with the role of the over achiever the one who keeps requesting more and more to do and does a great job in all assignments. With that attitude and focus, I'm sure that eventually when it came time when this position becomes dissolved, I would be seen as a valuable asset to place in XYZ department/position. That leap would take place until after months and months of keeping that up.

The trouble is that I don't want to wait. I don't like the group dynamics of the department, the repetitiveness is driving me crazy, the challenge isn't there, there is no support for personal or professional development, and I feel like I can take on more and grow more somewhere else. Granted many can just say suck it up but I have been sucking it up for 15 months and now, its a time for change. Also granted that this might not be the best time to change considering the economy but I can't let that stop me from pursuing greener pastures.

The Jobs:

Currently I have interviewed for two positions and only two positions. I don't plan on expanding the search anymore until I hear back from these two because I would be happy with either one.

One is for an admissions position at a prestigious university for their undergraduate business school. The other is as an operations analyst for a private equity firm. The question now is: which one do I pursue? These are starkly different career paths that have to be analyzed to see what would not only make me happy in the short run but also benefit me most in the long run.

Office Environment:

University: A university is by default a laid back, especially when compared to the corporate world I have become so accustomed to. There will be large volumes of work (30K+ applications per year) but I just don't see the workload and deadlines as intimidating and intense as in the corporate world. I can never imagine doing 16-24 hour shifts to get the project finished as a possibility in admissions work. To be honest, I would see myself getting super bored if it wasn't for the aspect that you get to travel a lot and give presentation on a topic I know I can do and that people actually want to hear. The boss seems super nice by nature (not interview nice) and the office seems to have a down to earth vibe with an equal staff to match. Universities are cost cutters so I do see this as a place that most likely would be cheap with office resources.

Private Equity: An environment that I am already familiar with and, which I admit at times, seem to conflict with because of the individual, isolated, capitalist mantra that becomes your norm as you work in corporate. I originally got caught up in all of that and it was huge lessons about my own personal priorities and values to adhere to that I don’t want to loose again, but that’s another story. I don't like working super long hours too when someone decides to let you know of their important needs around end of business- which is typical. I don't mind work, but just give me a heads up, that's all. The boss seems like he could be similar to my current supervisor, which is a big no, but I honestly can see him as a person that would only get that way when its justified (which would be a tremendous relief from my current experience).

Short-Term Opportunities:

University: I also look forward to the opportunity to be around college people and a college environment; to be able to interact with positive intellectual people, go to the numerous wonderful campus events, and take advantage of the university resources that would be open to me. This is huge for me because I have always been trying to get a nice change in pac. I would love to take things a little slower and have more time to focus on myself (personal goals), my family (hang out and communicate with them more) and my friends (continue to make great memories).

Private Equity: This position is definitely a step up from a paralegal position in terms of prestige not to mention a way better pay increase from my current position. This increase with me staying at home for another year would help me eliminate my current debt- huge plus.

Long-Term Opportunities:

University: I can have up to two master degrees and a PhD paid for by the university- which is huge in terms on saving cost on tuition. I can go to school and study what I love, politics, which I have my chill job. You can’t beat that.

Private Equity: I see this as a tremendous challenge and huge room for growth. I can learn so much more about the business in this role and possibly further expand my position in the industry and have various useful contacts as well. In terms of future jobs, or jobs that I want to do as a career to be more specific, these would definitely give me positive skill sets that I can apply to for a career with the government. Hopefully the pay (and living at home) would also let me afford to be able to pay for it on my own and not have the tuition be a burden per year as a partime student.

Questions to ask my self. How can I motivate my self in a way to balance my personal and work lives so that they are both at optimal levels if I take this PE job? Would an admissions officer help me obtain my long term goals- aside from obtaining a free degree? How would I balance my time between the PE job and my family and friends? How important is the short term versus the long term to me right now in terms of these jobs?

- - - -

Side note: lessons learned:

Apply only to the jobs that you truly want- your desire inevitably shows in how you present your resume and write your cover letter. It will also show in terms of how well you interview because part of the interview is showing them how bad you really want that position.

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For the Sake of The Children?

nobody@vox.com(Libertine) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 18:20:12 +0000

Many people believe that a two parent family is better for children to grow up in than a single parent family. Similarly, many of these same people also believe that it's best for children if one parent stays at home full time while they are growing up.

However, these beliefs vary somewhat depending on why a parent is single, and, in the case of two parent families, the gender of the stay at home parent.

There are those people are quick to judge someone who is a single parent by divorce, or never having been married. They point to higher rates of juvenile delinquency, mental illness, diminished grades, poverty, reduced opportunities, etc, as being the typical fallout of growing up in a single parent family. These people sometimes imply that people are selfish for having children without being married or for getting divorced when one has young children. Those contemplating divorce are urged to stay with their spouses "for the children's sake" and those already divorced or never married are advised to marry so that the children can have two parents.

Many people today are under the mistaken impression that single parent families were uncommon before the 1960s. This is a misconception; there have always been a reasonable percentage of one parent families. What has changed is the typical reason why the parent is single. Years ago, most single parent families existed because one parent had died. Nowadays, most single parents are either never-married or divorced.

But it's rare for those people who disapprove of single parent families to criticize those who are single parents by death. Widowed parents get more support and generally are not urged to remarry as quickly as possible. In my own experience, I can't remember anyone advising my father to remarry because I needed a mother, but I was told many times that my son needed a mother and that I was selfish to remain single

It would seem, though, that all the supposed disadvantages of growing up in a single parent family would hold true regardless of why one's single parent was single. The fact that single parent familes by divorce or out of wedlock are often viewed more negatively than single parent families by death would indicate to me that the real issue for these people isn't so much the children's welfare, per se, but rather their disapproval of divorce and having children out of wedlock.

Similarly, many people believe children do better when they have a full time parent at home. By parent, 99 percent of these people mean mother. Many of these same people would take a dim view of a father, single or married, who does not work outside the home for money. And if a mother is single, especially if she's never been married or is divorced, then these same people will call her lazy if she wants to be a full time mother.

Again, whatever benefits there are to having a full time parent or drawbacks of being a "latchkey" kid should be the same regardless of the gender of one's full time parent or why one's single parent is single. This difference in judgment indicates more of a disapproval of wage earning women and unemployed men in two parent families, and being on welfare for single parent families, more so than what is really best for children.

It would be easier if people would state their prejudices openly, rather than trying to disguise them behind a less than altruistic concern for the welfare of children.

Thoughts?

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it's a long road - there's no turning back

nobody@vox.com(karlos) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 16:32:50 +0000

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On Loneliness.

nobody@vox.com(Jack) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 16:01:58 +0000

I know I sound like a stuck emo record these days, but bear with me, yes?

I'm watching some random Japanese drama, with some woman breaking into some apartment, and the guy who lives there being like UWAA WHO ARE YOU GET OUT (before he comes to accept her being there because she's clearly nonthreatening -- you know, a situation that only works in fiction), and the woman spending the entire first episode trying to find out about the guy's girlfriend. Problem is, the girlfriend is actually his boyfriend.

最近、ドラマを見ている。「ビューティフルサンデイ」というドラマです。内容でゲイなカップルがいる。

When the boyfriend finally shows up and things get cleared up a bit, their relationship is just so nice. It's like, the kind of relationship I imagine having. Problem though, is that it seems like I'll be single forever (cliche emo expression GO!)

そのカップルの関係はすごく良かったと思う。そのような二人暮らし(?)の人生は私が夢で見るものです。でもね、問題があるよ。私がいつも独身になるように思えます。

The other night I was at a barbecue with people from the Board of Education, and, you know, I've been here 4 full years now, and I've always been alone, and I guess they're kind of worried? They were kidding around and suggesting one of the newbs and I would make a nice couple, which is fine and well for a joke. Others of them have made serious attempts in the past to play matchmaker for me, but it's clearly never been right. It's not that the girls they try to match me with aren't nice -- I'm sure they are. I just don't swing that way.

先日の夜でバーベキューへ行った、同僚と共に。ここで4年間過ごしたね。でも、その間に、いつも独身している。同僚は「あっ、さみしくない？」って訊いて、「やっ、大丈夫です！」って答えます。まぁ、彼らは私のためにちょっと心配しているかも。誰かが「ああ！ニューメンバー！彼とナイスカップル作ってくださいね！」って言った。それはジョークだよね。いいわ。．．．けど時々、彼らはまじめに女の子に私を紹介する。「こちらはいい女の子よ。きれいですね？じゃ、一緒にデートしようか？」それはありがたいですが、正しくないっす。その女達は本当にいい人だが．．．私は、女が興味ないっす。

And it's not that I'm really closeted, as such. I don't lie about my orientation -- if asked, I'm straightforward about it. I don't go around telling everyone about it though, because for most of them, it shouldn't be a relevant portion of our acquaintance, you know?

実は、私はゲイですが、閉じ込められないです。訊かれるなら、「はい、ゲイだよ」って絶対に答える。しかし、例えば、仕事中で「あっ、みなさん、おはようございます！ところで、私はホモだよ！よろしくね！」って全然言わないっす。そのことが秘密じゃないけど、同僚の人がそれを知っていることはいらないだね。

Anyway, I've digressed a bit -- let me get back on track.

あぁ、この話は複雑多岐になったね。こめんね。もう一回始まるよ。

I'm lonely. So very lonely. It's my own fault, of course. I'm a social retard -- I apparently missed the requisite life lessons in the "getting along with people" chapter of the text. It's not even the "I'm a gay guy in Japan, and I'm dodgy at the language at best" thing that's making it difficult. If I was straight, I'd still be in the same situation, or in an English-speaking country. Look, just let me break it down.

私はさびしいだよ。すごくさびしいよ。もちろん、私のせいです。社会的に遅れます。人がある日、誰かが「社会では、これは友達を作る方法です。そして、これは関係作り方です」って教えた。しかし、私の場合、そのレッスンがスキップしました。まぁ、日本にいるから、私は日本語が上手くないからそれがちょっと難しいだけど、カナダにいれば、まだ難しいと思う。じゃ、簡単に説明したい。

REQUIRED STEPS TO ENTER A RELATIONSHIP AND THEREBY NOT BE ALONE
1) Meet new people -- the more the better.
Problem 1: How do you meet people? I couldn't do it in Canada, and I sure as hell can't do it here. I mean, I do meet new people, but it's always people I have a specific reason to know, or who have a reason to know me. Co-workers, acquaintances of co-workers, people at city hall. That sort of thing. Meeting people outside of the, "Well, we're in the same place a lot of the time, it would be stupid to not get to know each other a little bit" situation though -- how? I don't understand it.

関係作り方/さびしくないになる方法
１）新しい人々に会って（より多くであって、より陽気です。）
問題第1：新しい人々に会うことはどうやって？カナダでは、その事が出来なかったから、もちろんここもできない。まぁ、新しい人を時々会いますが、その人々はいつも仕事の関して人だ。同僚ですね。同僚以外人が会いたいけど、どうやって？全然わからん、私。

Let's assume, though, that one manages to meet a bunch of new people, that brings us to the next step.
2) Find someone who you are interested in, keeping in mind that not everyone will be interested in you.
Problem: Really, there shouldn't be a problem, really. You know what you like, and unless you're stunned, you should be able to pick up cues as to whether the other party is interested in you or not. If there's a mutual attraction, go for it. If not, move on. As a gay guy, though, it seems there's an extra layer of difficulty. If I were straight, wherever I went, I could operate on the assumption that, even if all the women were taken/not interested in my type/etc., they'd still be interested in me, generally, AS A GUY. Gaydar isn't all it's cracked up to be, though, especially when it's not tuned for Japanese guys. How to tell? Narrow the options by going to a place frequented by the type of person you're looking for, I guess, so if you want gay guys, go to a gay bar. Simple! But where are they?

でもね、私が新しい人々に会うことができると仮定しましょう。次のポイントに続きましょう。
２）新しい人々の中で、興味ある人咲かして。
問題第2：問題があるべきじゃないね。あなたのお好むことがよく知っているね。そして、あなたは、だれかがあなたに興味を持っているかどうか言うことができますね。お互いのアトラクションがあれば、じゃ、いいですね！頑張ってください！お互いのアトラクションガ内の場合、続いてください。ね！でも、ゲイですか、もう一つの難しいことがあるかな。まず、「あっ、この人はゲイですか？」の問題だね。もちろん、ゲイの人を相対の場合、ゲイバーへ行く方がいいけど．．．どこでしょう？

2a) Once you find a person you're interested in, try to get to know them, gauge the extent of mutual attraction.
Problem: People I meet fall into a variety of categories. (1) People who aren't gay (2) gay guys who aren't into fatties (can't blame them really), and (3) gay guys who are into fatties, but who are also fucking creepy weirdos. People in (1) clearly don't fulfill the requirement of this little exercise; (2) doesn't either, and that's fine, because if that's not their type, that's not their type, yes? As for (3), you'd think there'd be guys who are into fatties, but not weirdos, but they all are. It's not a thing of, "I like you, you're cool, and you're a fattie and I don't mind,", but rather, "Oh, you're a fattie and that's TOTALLY MY KINK, and I'm TOTALLY WEIRD ABOUT IT." Which isn't to say that there's anything wrong with having a fattie fetish -- I just want more than someone who's going to fetishize me.

２ａ）興味ある人を会って、互いのアトラクションの範囲を調べて
問題第2ａ：私と会う人について、3種類がある。ひとつ、ゲイじゃない人。二つ、ゲイ人けど私は空のタイプじゃない。三つ、ゲイの人、私が彼のタイプの人、でも、奇妙な人。一番目は私の探す人じゃない。二番目はいいけど私のこと好きじゃないから、探す人じゃないね。三番目はいいかな？しかし、「あぁ、君はいい人、好きだよ。そして、あなたはすごくタイプだよ。良かったね！」と感じます人がいない。「あっ！あなたの系は俺のフェッチだよ！やらないか？」と感じます人がいっぱいです。そのことは大丈夫けど．．．私のお好むことじゃないだね。分かる？これを説明することは難しいよ。

3) ???
Assuming you find someone for whom you share a mutual attraction, everything after that, though not easy, seems like it would be more straightforward. If you do go out a few times, you're already over the (i) meeting the person, (ii) determining if they're interested. From then on, it's just about give and take and getting to know each other. It's not as easy as all that -- I am simplifying a bit -- but you know what I mean, right?

３）？？？
そのあと、難しくないになるね。普通の社会中連絡だね。まぁ、「難しくない」じゃないけど難しさが下がるね。

4) PROFIT!

４）出来ました！

I'm rambling and thinking about this all wrong, I'd imagine. I can't even really articulate what I mean, exactly. It's kind of what I've said here, only... you know, more eloquent and better organized.

この話長いな。そして、この考えはバカなことだね。でも、わかるかい？私の心。

Look, the point is, I'm lonely, and though I sorta kinda know how to rectify that situation and thereby find a nice guy to share my life with, it's the details that I don't get. It's not even the fine details (though those, too, are incomprehensible to me), it's the broad ones.

じゃ、簡潔に。私はさびしいですが、さびしくないになる方法が全然分からないっす。

I'm 27 and two-fifths. I want to move my life to the next stage! I want to... nest, for want of a better term. Unfortunately, my social retardation means that though, in some ways, I'm kinda smart, when it comes to this stuff I'm the anti-savant.

27.4歳だよ、私。人生をネクストステージへ行きたい！でも、どうやって？

Don't know why I even wrote this, it's not like any of you can fix my problems. It's just the emo kick I'm on! Emos have to share how emo they are, don't they? (shrug)

失礼しました。なぜこれを書いたかを知りません。あなたは私の問題を修正できませんね。いずれにせよ、読んでくださったありがとう。

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Oh no! Not a heart attack!

nobody@vox.com(nikkynik) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 15:33:51 +0000

The day started out like every other day. I shut my alarm off for the last time at 7 am. I don't have any more time for the snooze button I love so much so I have to drag myself out of bed. As I am waking up, I am reading my emails, watching the morning news and waiting for 7:30 so I can jump in my morning shower and begin my day. My morning ritual during a work week.

Its a beautiful morning out, so a little after 8, I decided ok...I'm going to go and take the bus this morning. About the only exercise I get any more with having a 9 hr job of sitting on my butt every day so if weather is permittable, I will walk the 3 blocks to catch the bus. I've been doing this for a little over a month now and have been feeling great. Its not much, but its more than what I have been doing.

I stand up to get ready to leave and all of a sudden I get this sharp pain in my heart. It came upon me so hard and so fast, it pretty much knocked me back in my chair. What the hell was that??? I ask myself. I start to take some deep breaths, hoping that will help it pass and my chest begins to get really tight and sharp pains shotting across my chest. It felt like I was having a gallbladder attack, except I no longer have one. But it was the same kind of feeling and then I started to get really nauseated.

After 5 mins, nothing was changing. Ok....something isn't right here.

I quickly call my mom at work and tell her what was up. I hang up, call 911 and then my job. I am not coming in. It wasn't till I was sitting there, waiting, that the panic started to hit me and my breathing was getting out of control.

My father died of a heart attack. My grandfather died of a heart attack. My dad was only 55..a unhealthy 55 yr old and altho I am much healthier then he is, heart disease does run in my family and I know myself I can be leading a much healthier life style than I am now. So you can just imagine all the thoughts racing through my mind. I am sitting there alone and just wanted my mother -nods-

I won't bore you with the details of when the Evac got there...only the stuff that they sprayed under my tongue gave me a instant headache that even till this afternoon I have. I want to say it was Nitrol something. Something for heart patients. I know my dad use to have to take them.

So there I lay in a bed in the ER for 8 hrs. Being poked, pricked, prodded...xrays, stress test, a breathing treatment because I am still weezing from being sick 2 weeks. I am stuck in this tube for pictures of my heart...shoved a bunch of pills down my throat...God only knows what they were and with all that mixtured, I'm surprised I am still alive! I think I seen 3 different doctors and 15 different nurses and all I wanted was them to shut the lights off and leave me be so I can baby this horrible headache that they caused.

Within a hour and a half of being there, the pain was gone. But my chest was still tight and I was very uncomfortable. My blood pressure was a little high but for the most part, I was in stable condition. It would be about 4 hrs later that I started to burp. Once I continued, the tightness started to ease.

Gas? I believe thats all it was. But even now, I don't even know what had happened or what caused it in the first place. My doctor ordered additional tests for this morning, so again, I was pricked, probed and vials and vials of blood removed from me. All I know is that the doctor saw something there he was a little concerned about but I won't know for a few days yet. The one good news is though is I don't have high blood pressure. I'm close to borderline but been at that for years now. Thats somewhat of a relief seeing how it does run in my family. But I praise myself because my habits have been different from my fathers and I don't eat the things he did and I moved where he didn't.

I might of jumped the gun, but when it comes to the heart, I know its nothing to play around with. It was better to be safe then sorry. There have been times that my dad had mini heart attacks that he ignored and all it did was weaken his heart even more. The last time, being the day he died. He had one but did nothing about it for another hour when he went into cardiac arrest that cost him his life. I won't make the same mistake.

But I will keep you posted of what it was if it was anything. I have the same heart doctor my dad did and I do know he is good. But I also know I will be following the advice he gave me where as my dad chose to ignore him.....

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Melting.

nobody@vox.com(IceCreamSociable) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 15:10:12 +0000

I am in this wierd mood right now, that kind of bobbles between happy and sad. Happy because things are going well, sad because I'm gonna be leaving Jacksonville soon, and even though I know that it's right for me, it still stings me a little to know that this won't be my home anymore, because once Patrick leaves, our lease will be up, and my mom's house will be my home again.

I am thinking about getting another tattoo soon. Something that I will think about and draw myself, and keep to myself. I think the problem with me is that I am a word vomiter. I talk too much.

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sumakit lang ang ulo ko...

nobody@vox.com(vinalovessushi) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 14:14:40 +0000

i give up!

nag-reregister ako para magpaschedule ng nclex ko...at nung nasa part na patapos na ata ako, eto ang lumabas:

Our records indicate that you have recently scheduled this exam. Please contact your Member Board for further assistance. Another registration cannot be made at this time.

WTF?!

anong ibig sabihin nito? kelangan ko ng magpaschedule dahil baka maubusan ako ng available slots sa 1st week ng october, putang ina naman oh!

at dito lang naubos ang oras ko ngayong gabi...sayang ang study time...putcha, yung goal ko na 1 week sa anatomy hindi ko matutupad...I FAILED! NO DEAL!.

actually, hindi ko na talaga siya matatapos within 1 week dahil sa mga hindi maiiwasang pangyayari, hehehehe...pero hapitan na ito....must finish the book ASAP...huhuhuhuhu...wala na kong ibang masisisi kundi ang sarili ko.

dahil jan, susubukan ko ulit magregister bukas, at sa ibang computer naman.at tatanungin ko na rin ang mga tao sa PRS.

anyway, enough about that, kelangan ko ng matulog dahil may pasok pa ko bukas...baka bumagsak bagsak pa ang ulo ko sa lecture eh...

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static.

nobody@vox.com(Justine) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 12:28:58 +0000

If there are people who actually read my blog here (I doubt it though), just a little warning. This is just another emotional sad shiznit I'm about to post so I suggest if you're tired of it, go click the little x at the corner of your screen. I don't want to rain on your parade or anything. I am in desperate need of releasing all this pent up emotional fuckwit that's been building up in my lame excuse of a life.

Today I've cried my eyes out, moodswing-ed like crazy, and have just completely broken down (and in the wrong place too). For the past three months or so, I've been fighting this sadness and taking each day in, letting it pass, doing what I can to feel better and tried to be optimistic when I can. But now, I've had it and I am sooooooo tired of fighting and exhausted and jaded and just sick of how my life is going.

I'm nineteen years old. At 19, I've always imagined myself being at the peak of my youth, happy, established in college and enjoying it, independent, self-assured, confident with myself and surrounded with great people whom I can connect with.

But I'm not. I'm nineteen and I'm not getting any younger. Time isn't going to rewind, nor is it going to wait for me. Things are not getting any better, though I try. I feel as if I'm going around in circles, clueless and without any destination in mind, every day with that same feeling, emptiness reliving itself over and over again.

I have to stop being in denial. It's more than just a love problem, though it took a heartbreak to make me realize that instead of facing all of my own issues, I keep on making excuses, in the hopes of making myself feel better. But it really doesn't fix anything. Lesson learned.

For the past three months I've been TRYING..But things don't get any better. I'm not happy, or even remotely close to being happy. Its still lonely, I'm still confused. I'm not really getting myself anywhere. I know whining doesn't really do anything as well but I JUST GIVE UP. I'm so tired of trying and waiting for things to be better.

I want to be BETTER, not to get used to this. This is probably just a phase that will soon pass, but WHEN?

Here I'll be, motionless, because I'm so, so tired of everything. I just want to disappear completely.

The only consolation I have is that when all of this is over, I know I'll be a lot stronger, because I'd know what I'm capable of.

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Time Warp Wives: Meet the women who really do live in the past | Mail Online

nobody@vox.com(Blue-cat) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 11:28:46 +0000

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I'm all right today

nobody@vox.com(Sofia) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 11:01:32 +0000

Okay so I am still worried, but I feel a little better than I did yesterday.
This is what it's like you see...one day I can feel completely shitty about the situation (=yesterday) and the next (=today) just a little shitty.
Not so strange perhaps, but non the less irritating.

So life's a little brighter at the moment...but I have no idea for how long it'll last.

For long I hope.
No matter how much it may seem like I think it's fun to bitch about stuff (which I do, when the stuff's not directly tied to my own feelings) I do not like to feel like this.
So I am trying to be positive, even if it's hard (positive's not really my thing, you who have been my neighbours for a long time know by now that the glass's always half empty).

The family's away to shop for food for next week (at least I think they are, or they are leaving very soon).

So now what?

What am I suppose to do now?
I will get bored very soon if I don't think of anything.
And when I get bored all bad thoughts come sneeking inside my brain.

= Not Goot (at all) ...(obviously)

Have already checked out the apartment queue (not much happening there, as usual), made a video to post on Youtube (it's called "Gokusen 1 celebration!", check it out!) and watched some tv.

I have exercised (exercise being power walks, so you don't really have to be that impressed) all days this week so I am not completely sure that I will do it today..
Besides, it's raining outside and it's no fun to walk in rain.

Hm.... What now?

Well I guess I'll think of something.
I suppose I could always watch some more tv.
Yeah, I think that I'll do that.

Swedish phrase of the day:

"Hur mår du?" = How are you?

Take care guys! (^ - ^) Suki da yo! Ja ne!

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Life Happens

nobody@vox.com(GiGi) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 09:23:01 +0000

Ok, so the last couple of days, I've been preoccupied with a few things. Nothing exciting really. Let's see... grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. Oh, my friend went back to Yellowknife, kicking and screaming. And I saw a couple of movies--The Bucket List and Awake. Not bad movies, actually. Morgan Freeman is one of my faves, but in Awake--Hayden and Jessica--not so much. Still an interesting movie even though I don't believe it.

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Friday night philosophy.

nobody@vox.com(Snowy) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 08:05:28 +0000

Last week.

Looking back, it isn’t surprising that I became so depressed. The life I lived revolved around alcohol. It was an empty life. But as for so many living in those small towns, there was little else to do to fill our lives. If you did not have a family to provide for, then the options to fill the void were very limited indeed. Remember, that this was in the days before TV had reached my little town. In the mid 60’s, for information about the outside world, one had to rely on a rather ordinary metropolitan newspaper that arrived the day after it was printed, and the radio. And of course the local picture show, where generations of young adults were fooled into thinking that fantasy was reality, and felt cheated when they discovered that it wasn’t. I do wonder if that contributed in some way to the high youth suicide rate in country towns.

I was never suicidal, but life certainly wasn’t working out for me in my mid twenties, and I knew it was time for me to move on. I had known that it was time for a few years, but lack of self esteem had held me back. During my apprenticeship years, my plan had been to join the Navy as so many of my friends did. How I envied them their adventures in the big cities and overseas. Yet, by the time I finished my apprenticeship, my friends were no longer so enamoured of the Navy, or big cities, so the doubts arose. And, in truth, I think I was a little scared to flutter those wings out into the wide, wide world.

My self esteem had taken quite a battering from the lunatic boss who delighted in putting all employees down. He was to die of a heart attack at age 36 a few months after I left him. He left a wife and three young children, for whom I felt very sorry. I have come to forgive him in later life for his ill treatment of his staff. He had his own demons to confront which affected his behaviour towards others, and they ultimately destroyed him. I was to learn in later life that we are all products of our environment and genetic inheritance, and there is nothing to be gained by apportioning blame. So much better for us all to try to understand.

So, I muddled on, until events forced me to make the timely decision to leave. The power house where I worked was to close down. A power line was to be built, and we were to be supplied with electricity from another town. I made some enquiries as to what was planned for me, and received no reply. So, I started applying for jobs. And that’s how I finished up in North Queensland.

My navy friends had spoken well of North Queensland, so I decided it was as good as place as any to try. And after a couple of hiccups, I was on my way. I was also on my way to self discovery, but I didn’t know that at the time. So it was that in March 1965 I set out in my 1956 model Holden FJ for Mackay. And how good it was! All the depression vanished, never to return, along with my self esteem issues. I met new people, broke the work, pub, work habit, and simply soared.

In the next few years I worked in a sugar mill in Proserpine, and later in Mount Isa Mines. Looking back, there were two occasions that were seminal moments in my quest for self discovery. The first was one early morning at the sugar mill in Proserpine. I was a shift electrician there, and had to change a blown lamp on top of the boiler house just on daybreak. As I looked towards the east, there was the most glorious sunrise I had ever seen. As I stopped to admire it, I was overcome with a feeling of peace and contentment such that I had never felt before. I will never forget that moment for as long as I live. It was when I came to appreciate the beautiful world in which we live….and to take a tiny step towards a higher truth.

The other moment was not so soul enriching, but nevertheless life changing. It was the moment when I became aware that my knowledge of events that impacted upon me left much to be desired, and that it was time for me to do something about it. It would have been some time in 1967 that I was lying in bed one night, and the thought occurred to me that if I had been born a few years later I could have been conscripted into fighting (and maybe dying) in a war in Vietnam; a war we were told by our government was being fought against communism. And that if we didn’t fight it in Vietnam, then because of something called the “Domino Theory”, we would sooner or later be fighting communism on our doorstep. It occurred to me that I knew nothing about communism, so maybe it was time I found out just what it was that was so bad that our young were dying fighting it. So, my self education in politics began…as did my education in manipulation by my fellow man.

I was to find there were so many more questions that I had no answers for, and yet which I had to answer if I was to ever regain control of my life. To do so, I needed to venture deeper into the orchard of knowledge, and sample the fruits it had to offer. And for a while, I was to wander aimlessly in that orchard in my search for those elusive truths that seemed to be forever just beyond my reach. It was a very confusing time of my life indeed.

But I got there eventually, when I spent five years working on that icon in Australia’s history, the Snowy Mountains Hydro-Electric Scheme.

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It's been so long...

nobody@vox.com(Amirah) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 07:11:15 +0000

It has been one year and four months since the last time I actually wrote something in here. If the last post can be counted as an update, that is.

But I guess there's nothing much to say too.

I decided to update my Vox journal again after I was reminded of it during the COMPSCI 111 lab today. For those who doesn't have a blog of their own, they have to make one, and update it as well. My Livejournal has been friends-locked and I simply too lazy to un-lock it, then lock it again just for the sake of the lab assignment. Then I remembered this blog. My poor, abandoned Vox journal.

So yeah, I decided to use this blog for my assignment, since it is definitely cleaner and safe-to-the-eyes journal compared to the other one.

And, I have also decided to try to frequently update this blog and make it more academical and more... realistic. My other blog tended to show the other side of me: an obsessed girl who only know when to squeal and rarely have a serious entry about my life. Except a few.

So yeah, to my small group of friends (who most I already know in real life), nice to see you again.

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The Best Driving Force

nobody@vox.com(Margaux) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 07:00:41 +0000

A sense of Purpose...

That is the best driving force to live.

When you have a reason to live, you will never have a reason to quit.

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Art of Conversation

nobody@vox.com(Margaux) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:35:01 +0000

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time...

Butt also to leave the wrong thing unsaid...

At the most tempting moment.

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About Life

nobody@vox.com(Margaux) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:26:08 +0000

Don't think too much about the problems in life.

They are just test papers given by God to see how much we learn in hissubject called...

E...

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I'm an emotional idiot, get away from me.

nobody@vox.com(katrinka) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 05:51:25 +0000

Ladies and gentlemen, here is Maggie Estep, narrating my life:

I'm an Emotional Idiot
so get away from me.
I mean,
COME HERE.
Wait, no,
that's too close,
give me some space
it's a big country,
there's plenty of room,
don't sit so close to me.
Hey, where are you?
I haven't seen you in days.
Whadya, having an affair?
Who is she?
Come on,
aren't I enough for you?
God,
You're so cold.
I never know what you're thinking.
You're not very affectionate.
I mean,
you're clinging to me,
DON'T TOUCH ME,
what am I, your fucking cat?
Don't rub me like that.
Don't you have anything better to do
than sit there fawning over me?
Don't you have any interests?
Hobbies?
Sailing Fly fishing
Archeology?
There's an archeology expedition leaving tomorrow
why don't you go?
I'll loan you the money,
my money is your money.
my life is your life
my soul is yours
without you I'm nothing.
Move in with me
we'll get a studio apartment together, save on rent,
well, wait, I mean, a one bedroom,
so we don't get in each other's hair or anything
or, well,
maybe a two bedroom
I'll have my own bedroom,
it's nothing personal
I just need to be alone sometimes,
you do understand,
don't you?
Hey, why are you acting distant?
Where you goin',
was it something I said?
What
What did I do?
I'm an emotional idiot
so get away from me
I mean,
MARRY ME.

I can already feel myself sabotaging myself from the inside.

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Salty Cheeks

nobody@vox.com(MarStar) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 05:29:09 +0000

For the past few months, I've been going through the inevitable process of growing up while trying to hang onto the fun/young side of life. In a week's time, a huge pile of life changes were dumped onto my path.
I spent 7 incredible days on a boat in Alaska with a wonderful man. I rode in a helicopter, hiked on a glacier, rode the world's tallest and longest zip line, saw breathtaking scenery, amazing wildlife, among many, many other things and enjoyed the feeling of ocean air (and icy air) on my face. I even received a special gift. It was relaxing, wonderful and I fulfilled a lifelong dream.
However, before embarking upon this journey, I was offered the job which I had interviewed for only a few days before. Overwhelmed with such a large decision, and life-altering opportunity, I began to breakdown; In the middle of Canadian customs, nonetheless. It was so silly. There was nothing to be upset about. A weight had been lifted. And then a whole different one took it's place. I thought a job and starting my career was what I wanted. I know it's what I need to do. And I've had my fun this summer. I guess it's just scary when things seem to fall into place like you never thought they would.

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