Vox’s posts tagged emotions

Because it will all be ok one day.

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 11:31:31 +0000

Another emotional purge.
Ready? Ok.

To all the ones who simply lost interest, took advantage or managed to forget about me --

I will turn a blind eye.
I will avoid all feelings.
I will focus on the mundane reality and the little dreams I've returned to.

I guess it's not so bad feeling alone.
There's worse things than that, I suppose.

One day everything will be fine.
Sometimes I pray to forget you, you and you.
Especially You.

If I ever do manage to do this (which I highly doubt) it will be only a defense mechanism.
A way to preserve my sanity.

Nothing personal. Nothing I wanted.

As for today, I will focus all my thoughts and energy on things like work and school and even the news.
All to avoid thinking of... emotional downpours that the fall weather has apparently sparked.

If all of you, you, you and You can forget me.
Why shouldn't I do the same?

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No direction, Ex-hangups, Self-worth issues

nobody@vox.com(Sarah) — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 07:42:18 +0000

I feel like I've hit a crossroads. I feel like there are so many roads I could take right now, so many paths I could choose to follow. But how the hell am I supposed to know the good ones from the bad? Or the best one from the worst? How do I know what's right for me? How do I know what I should do?

I feel so lost. Like I'm completely without direction at the moment. I mean I'm 25 and I just moved back in with my parents...I feel like such a fucking worthless loser right now. I mean I'm happy here, I love my parents dearly, I have a very close relationship with them and I've missed them and they've missed me. But still...

And I feel like...well, I know I'm pretty good at being self-analytical even though I want to ignore it sometimes and pretend I don't see my own flaws even when they are blinking like neon lights right in front of my face. And I realize that part of my problem is since I've entered "adulthood" (I use that term lightly lol) I've made the mistake of looking to a relationship as a way to measure my self worth. I've felt like I had to be in a relationship with someone to be complete and that if I'm alone, or not in one, then I am nothing, empty, worthless, unloved, unattractive, and just...feel pretty low.

I realize that that's also probably been a lot of the cause of my downfalls as well. Because I KNOW that I shouldn't let my mind slip into that kind of thinking. I know I'm a great catch and any man (or woman) would be lucky to have me in a lot of ways. But because of my feeling like I constantly need to be with someone in order to feel like I matter I jump into things too quickly. And sometimes I find myself stuck, in a relationship I had no business starting to begin with because I wasn't ready, or they weren't right for me from the beginning and I should have seen it, or maybe a relationship I don't even really want to be in anymore but feel to bad and am too nice to just end it like a rational person would. Though I know some of you can definitely relate to that last bit. ;) And it's just...stupid.

And yet, being aware of all this I already find myself yearning to find someone else. To feel like someone wants me. To feel that rush and excitement a new relationship brings. Not to mention plain and simply sex, I won't lie. lol. But it's not worth starting some stupid relationship that I know will self destruct because of sex. Or the adrenaline rush. Those are NOT good reasons.

And I know I need to take some time to focus on getting my life on track. and stop trying to feel like I have to be pursuing or chasing someone. I'm still not over the guy from the relationship before the last, which is just really sad and lame of me I suppose. But whatever, we all have our hangups. Some of us are just more open and honest about them.

And sometimes I feel like if there's no one pursuing me that I'm not pretty enough, cool enough, sexy enough, fun enough, or whatever. And I know it's totally dumb of me to pin my self worth on someone elses chasing after me.

I may be aware of all this, but the thing that I'm not aware of is...why? Why do I do this? Why do I get my greatest satisfaction of self worth, based on someone else, who may not even really give a damn about me (been there done that)? and FURTHERMORE, how do I stop doing this? seriously?

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Well I'm going home...

nobody@vox.com(Sarah) — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 07:38:58 +0000

Kinda like that Daughtry song "Home." I'm really feelin it right now. Except instead of like in his case he's going home to some woman to fix things and whatever, and in my case I'm going home to my hometown and my parents, to fix things with myself. All the parts I really relate to right now I put in bold. I've been listening to this a lot lately.

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

I've been kinda sad because I broke up with Donnie. He got all assanine drunk and flipped out, broke into my house, threw shit, was trying to bust into my car, I had to call 911 it was dumb. I know he would never intentionally hurt me, he just got carried away, got too drunk and lost control of himself, but that's a total dealbreaker for me.

I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend for 3 years and I told my parents and more importantly myself that I would never go through some shit like that again. I warned Donnie, the first time he got drunk enough to kind of have a violent mindframe, that if it happened again we were through, that that was his get out of jail free card. But I'm still very sad about the breakup and the whole ordeal honestly.

I'm so tired of starting over guys, I told my parents that maybe I was destined to be a crazy cat lady and that maybe they'd have to settle for grandkitties instead of grandkids. I want a family more than anything, to be a wife and a mom, to have a family of my own. why does it have to be so damn hard? It seems like everytime I think things are working out for me, it all comes crashing down, seriously what the fuck is the deal here? What am I doing wrong?

So I'm single yet again, sad and lonely. But this time I don't think I'm even interested in trying to date anyone again anytime in the near future, I think I'm just gonna be single for awhile and take some time to get my life together and figure some shit out. I'm also kinda depressed cuz I left some really good friends behind in moberly that I will miss so bad. Some of them I'm sure are reading this ;) You know who you are guys! Love ya! But I'll come back round to mobtown to visit, maybe go party at limits and whatnot.

I'm kinda starting my life over again, but it's difficult, I always seem to have problems, and who knows what my deal is with that, maybe I somehow bring it on myself. But anyway, I'm gonna focus on friends, getting my finances on track, and taking care of me for once instead of worrying so damn much about someone else and trying to feel like I always have to be dating someone. I know I've got some good friends out there that will give me some of the love and support I need to get through all this bs and get back on track. again you know who you are and I love each one of you.

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Emotions

nobody@vox.com(yourstruli) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 16:59:21 +0000

This day should be listed down as one of my “bad days”. Probably, one of the worst...

Everything was a mix of emotions. Happiness, sadness, irritation, anger, embarrassment, hate, love and a whole lot more. There are problems in love, studies, friendships and worst of all…with myself.

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emotions

nobody@vox.com(Pk) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 01:21:34 +0000

so I left L's office with a list of more emotions than I knew existed. My psych instructor asked us to list 20 and we'd get credit if we got to 5. I had trouble with the 5. Seriously. It was ....thankfully, an extra credit assignment!

I don't get it ..why are emotions so hard for someone like me???

I left her office with a distinct need to purge, which I haven't done in a year, before that 5 years, before that 20 months.

I don't like this...but it's going to be awfully hard to become a psychologist if I don't get through this. It would make all those psychology classes yet to come very difficult if I don't get a handle on it now ....

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truth is...

nobody@vox.com(goldie) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 22:21:27 +0000

...people lie.

olivia. and I were discussing this yesterday. And we came to the same conclusion: "People lie."

Mostly to protect themselves under the guise of protecting you.

Coming to that conclusion that most people will lie to you, doesn't make it hurt any less. Mostly cus you have to find out [the hard way] that someones willing/able to lie to you.

I'm going into robotmode now. I'm sick of feelings. Peace.

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Large organisations are not rational entities

nobody@vox.com(Steve Mills) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 06:41:11 +0000

One of the major paradox’s of the modern world is that we are supposed to live in an age of rationality, yet the very things that control our modern society are completely irrational. A modern western government may look like a coherent structure, will clear aims and goals (at least at some level), yet inside the [...]

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Frank Chase Jr's Content Producer Page - Associated Content

nobody@vox.com(Frank Chase Jr) — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 05:29:46 +0000

Frank Chase Jr's Content Producer Page - Associated Content

http://www.associatedcontent.com/user...

FRANK CHASE, JR., author of False Roads To Manhood, What Women Need To Know; What Men Need To Understand is a native of Baltimore, Maryland, where he grew up with a storied past that's a journey from raggedy brokenness to continued rich wholeness.

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Letting Go

nobody@vox.com(Jenna) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 19:25:54 +0000

In May, I graduated from college. But I didn't leave. I worked at the Brown library, the Rock, where I had held a student job since the summer after my freshman year. So I continued to walk to work every day from my apartment, a week after graduation, although all my friends had gone home, and I continued to work at the University. And once my lease was up, I drove in to work half an hour each morning from my parents' house, continuing to haunt that campus like a ghost, feeling both insider and outsider, ready to move on and nostalgic like no other. Finally, I left for Guatemala (albeit to work on a Brown-funded archaeological project under the supervision of Brown grad students and a Brown professor). Once I came back, I attempted to avoid Providence altogether. I was living in northern RI with my parents; the weeks following my return to the States were very centered on that town, especially because of my sisters' wedding, and my quick process of readaptation to State-side living.

And then I found myself with this job, located in the heart of the East Side (but, I should emphasize, an East Side that I had never really explored, an East Side that was not Brown campus-oriented). So I do drive through Brown campus everyday still; I hold my breath as I careen down Waterman past Thayer and Brook until, not a moment too soon, I reach Hope, and it's all behind me. And that's the defining feature---that's the point. It's all behind me. It needs to be. And that's what letting go is about.

So when September 25th came and went, and I didn't transfer my four years of thousands of emails (academic correspondence, letters over breaks with friends, letters to and from boyfriends and friends and family while I was abroad during the summers), I was forced to confront this truth. The emotional pack-rat that I am, it made no sense that I wouldn't put aside the time to transfer my digital library of years of correspondence. I have been busy, certainly, but this is a priority, isn't it? Why didn't it matter enough to me to make sure I did it?

I don't know.

All of this remind me of a line from one of my favorite books, Janet Finch's White Oleander, in which the protagonist Astrid, when discussing the nature of her incredibly strong, demanding Viking of a mother, cites this example:

"My mother used to love fire season. She made me decide what I'd take if we had to go. She said if I were brave, I wouldn't take anything."

I like to think that's what this is about, that I'm launching bravely into a new phase of life while letting go of certain unproductive components of a general, overarching nostalgia that defines the way I tend to view my past. I remember all of the ‘crucial’ information—the professional contacts, and even particular lines of advice or information from certain mentors, professors, advisors. I have a few emails saved in various places (the ten most important ones, certainly). And I love my friends dearly, but know that going through old correspondence will likely depress me, while photographs, stories told over cups of tea or bottles of beer, or a couple of minutes of recollection will serve better.

But when I tried to log in today to my Brown email, finally having a few minutes to spare, I was almost surprised when my username and password were denied. I felt no panic, no flow and ebb of regret. Just an, “Okay.” And I took the link out of my bookmark bar. And it was done.

I let time make the decision for me, didn’t I? I just let the 25^th pass without intervention--just let my opportunity to digitally pack my stuff and move out pass me by. And that reminds me of a line from a book I’m reading now by David Ebershoff:

“Isn’t that how it works sometimes – the big decisions, I mean. You don’t actually make them, you just roll into them once they’ve become inevitable.”

Letting go was inevitable. And I’m waiting for the real waves of loss to wash over me, to be destroyed by it, to spend a day in bed on account of it, to call my mother or Anne or Julia to be consoled. Another timeless question—is it better to be wrecked about it, or to feel nothing?

I don’t know.

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it's a duel

nobody@vox.com(christy) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:42:25 +0000

My brain and I are wrestling today. She wants to play Queen of the Kingdom of Empathy and beseech her Minions of Emotions to fester in my chest until I unravel. I, on the other hand, would like to process things like you humans do with filters and compartments and recycling bins and conveyor belts - wiping down after each one in preparation for the next. She's relentless and has a good argument:

"You want to be a writer", she asks, "Then you have to feel all of the feelings as if they were your own, then your pen will know the words to write."

My less than feeble reply placates her for now, "If you call off your Minions at once I promise to read to you every night so you can experience a rainbow of emotions and spare my poor soul your voracious appetite. I will put my pen to practice day and night until I find my voice."

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False Roads To Manhood Book Trailer

nobody@vox.com(Frank Chase Jr) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 20:06:21 +0000

False Roads To Manhood Book Trailer

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Being in Egypt

nobody@vox.com(Chunks) — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 15:23:43 +0000

Being in Cairo is tumultuous (is this even a word, I don't want to go
and check). It is turbulent and deep and emotive. Being here brings
nostalgia, longing for a past, wanting to take care, wonderment at
what has happened while you were away, love of the place, the people,
the land, and many other things.

Home is family. Though I have lived in it continuously only
seven-eight years, I never was too far away from "masr" (Egypt): my
parents, their families, and the history and culture that my parents
painted me part of. The familial connections, together with the
friendships I made about twenty years ago, friendships with
middle-class Cairenes of similar backgrounds to mine, are/is what
Egypt is for me. Through them I belong to a bigger entity called
Egypt. Through these connections, I am entitled to have opinions on
Egypt as an Egyptian, and I am also looked to to contribute something
to my country.

I was at my aunt's place last night. Ageing being what it is, I took
her 'leg trouble' casually. Likewise, I took in her husband's
increasing stoop almost without noticing it. My mother was absent
because of stomach trouble. It was only my father, who sometimes
needs to steady his walk by leaning on something, his sister, her
husband, and me. Average age: 64!

My aunt's husband had positively enthused (over the phone) that I was
coming to visit. After the initial greetings, he sat me down to give
me a short introduction to the autobiography of Galal Amin that he is
reading. Knowing I was coming, he had prepared a written note
summarising his thoughts, and at some point he read from it directly.

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broken hearted

nobody@vox.com(YF) — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 02:27:10 +0000

broken hearted

The last week has been the worst week of my life. The not knowing what to do, finally making the decision to put Spencer down and all that has followed. It's been pure hell. I guess I have to consider myself lucky that I've made it 35 years and this is the first time I have suffered such loss.

I stayed home from work on Friday to gather my thoughts, spend some quality time with Lucy (who has been superb) and try to calm my horribly unhappy stomach. It's hard to explain how empty the house feels. I know it's only one cat, but he's been such a staple in my life these past 14 years. Always there to love on me.

Thank goodness for Lucy. She's been the very best thing in this whole experience. She's constantly near me, wanting love, talking to me, watching out for me. She too is still looking for him, but seems to be as playful and happy as always.

I want to thank all of you for your kind words of support. It has been a tremendous help getting through this horribly rough time. I know that every day will get a little easier....

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an impending storm

nobody@vox.com(Reflection of a Bird) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 14:05:29 +0000

Playing from the flipside on day 2 of this. (interpret day 2 as what you will, It is day 2 of something)

I feel like lately life is a struggle between optimism and pessimism. Mostly because we’ve been conditioned to attribute our ‘good thoughts’ the the former and our ‘bad thoughts to the latter category. The fact that they are being divided up equally like this seems to me to mean that they are actually the same thing- just being pushed to one side or another. Life does that to us… rather- stuff- does that to us. We congratulate our selves for having more thoughts in our ‘optimistic’ category and reprimand ourselves for having more in our ‘pessimistic’ category. So the good keeps getting better, and the bad keeps getting worse. So what happens when you are stuck in a ‘bad getting worse’ pattern? Not only do you punish yourself with more negative thoughts for thinking negatively in the first place, all the while trying to be like miss sunshine gumdrop over there, but you kind of begin to hate everything that doesn’t fit into this dark little world you’ve created for yourself, and you wonder whats wrong with you that you don’t even feel like you could be optimistic if you wanted to. Like you’ve got a defect. Your unhappy, shit sucks, getting worse, and you’re broken. Wow. What a way to be.

Ok, so this is the place ive been in lately. It fluxuates in intensity, but for the most part, its been at some variation of that. Yesterday I was feeling uncharacteristically optimistic (I need a new synonym, sorry), and today… im just not.

And I started getting mad at myself for writing about such happy oozing bullshit yesterday. I started getting embarrassed that I was even thinking so positively… I just cant see myself buying into that today. ‘take it as it comes? Ok… then what next? Do you have any fucking idea how much I have to do in the next year? In the next few years? Do you know how much pressure is on me right now? For gods sake, leave me alone and stop telling me to stop worrying”

So my natural response to that is ‘stop being so fucking negative Haeli, seriously, get back to where you were yesterday, it was better there’. But of course I don’t want to because im stubborn, I don’t know how to because you cant force yourself to feel something and I really am overwhelmed and now conflicted too. So here I am, worse than ever.

But what I want to point out is that THIS situation is actually one of those puzzles. Don’t fight to get back into the mindset of ‘everythings ok, take it as it comes and work it out’ if your not there, your not there, and its probably for some reason or another. Just sit where you are, sit with your anger and frustration, don’t think about it if you don’t want to, but sit with it, get comfortable with it, stop fighting it and you will stop reinforcing it, it will at least stop compounding itself, and you have a manageable amount of negativity that will work out as you go through your day. Good things will happen and if your not too busy punishing your self for being unhappy (which is the equivalent of dwelling on being unhappy) than you will just kind of pull through it. I’ll call this ‘letting the puzzle work its self out”.

Trying to force yourself to be happy and optimistic when your not is just as bad as trying to force your life and circumstances to go in a certain way. That’s what I was talking about last post.

Shit, im late for work now and I have to brush my teeth.

Ughg. Ok bye.

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Have you ever noticed something sad make you feel better?

nobody@vox.com(country_cinderella) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 03:29:48 +0000

Have you ever noticed that watching a sad tv show, or movie, or even reading a sad book, can sometimes make you feel better. Maybe this only works if it is sad enough to make you cry. I do not know if it would work if you only mildly saddened but do not cry. Maybe it is the release of pent up emotions that we do not realize we are bottling up, or maybe it is some kind of shift in neuro-chemicals in our bodies, or maybe it is just the release of daily tension by being so immersed in the story.

Well that is my little quizzical thought of the day, prompted by how I felt after watching a sad television show.

Still working hard as the foreman on the job so need to get my rest, by for now, hope my neighbors are fairing well.

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The Change Begins

nobody@vox.com(Cloudy Jones) — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 04:41:21 +0000

I’m sitting here drinking diet coke and eating raspberry Milano cookies my second to last night in my boyfriend’s apartment. He, Pike, decided we should live apart, but I’m deciding we need to be apart. It’s hard, when you spend three years thinking you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person and then gradually you start to realize that while you like the feeling of your face buried in his chest with his arms around you, you can no longer tolerate the double standards, the manipulation, and the hypocrisy. And even though your chest aches for that strong arm, you realize it’s just emotions. It’s just chemicals in your brain, and you’re not going to go through all that crap for five minute fixes anymore.

That, and we haven’t had sex in over a year. I’m starting to wonder what good sex is actually like.

It’s strange, because, while I’ve been deciding for the past couple of weeks that Pike and I are not going to make it together, it’s not until right here and now that I’m writing this that I’m beginning to feel like crying.

On Labor Day I’ll be moving out of this apartment and into my very own. I’m excited. I’m scared shitless.

More to come.

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FEELING...

nobody@vox.com(enamouredjaded) — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 12:14:04 +0000

Feelings

Once upon a time there was an island ,

where all the feelings lived together .

Feelings2

One day there was a storm in the sea and the island was about to get drowned.

Feelings3

Every feeling was scared but Love

Feelings4

made a boat to escape.

Every feeling boarded the boat . Only 1 feeling was left.

Love got down to see who it was..

Feelings6

It was EGO..

Feelings7

Love tried and tried but ego wasn't moving also the water was rising.

Every one asked love to leave him and come in the boat, but love was made to love.

At last all the feelings escape and Love dies with ego on the island..

Love Dies because of EGO .

Feelings8

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Hurt feelings 'worse than pain'

nobody@vox.com(lazywong) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 12:20:18 +0000

Name calling hurts more than physical pain ?
Humans are more fragile than we think.

Hurt feelings 'worse than pain'

http://news.bbc.c...

He said: "It certainly improved the ability of human beings to create and adapt, to function in and with groups, communities and cultures, and to respond to pain associated with social interactions.

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How do you create self-esteem where there is none?

nobody@vox.com(Kittarra) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 16:00:03 +0000

Today I'm gonna dive down into an abyss, myself. I'm not going to use tarot or numerology just plain, simple observations. Specifically I'm going to target a huge emptiness- my self esteem. I've always known it to be problematic in my life but when my daughter asked me the other day if all the other kids were going to write like her or like mom and dad- my heart broke. I may end up crying before this is finished- first I will drink more coffee.

In my life I have esteemed many people- my dad's talent to play music, my mom's artistic ability in multiple areas, my aunt Julie's ability to survive over 8 years of college. There are countless others whom I know and others who I admire from afar. Sadly, one person who I have little to say about is me, and it isn't because I'm modest. The truth is my entire existence I've spent comparing myself to others. I wasn't able to just pick up any instrument and play like my dad, I couldn't draw as well as my mom, I struggled through school and gave up on dreams of college, unlike my aunt. The feelings of self doubt run so deep that I have a hard time 'seeing' the accomplishments that I have made. I know I have accomplished a lot, but it isn't enough to satisfy the longing to be what I'm not or the ability to accept what I am.

I've been through years of counseling, usually to talk about 'stuff' that happened or to conquer my victim mentality- but seldom was self-esteem brought up. I'm not sure that people realize that I struggle so much in this area, I don't talk about it. Really, it is the one secret that I'm very guilty of purposely trying to hide. (It is my single most powerful weakness, and one thing I learned from my bizarre but brilliant father- keep your weakness's hidden away or they will be used against you.) I probably would have maintained my silence about this subject- until my daughter came to me with her very real concern. That's when I began to realize that by me just 'hiding' this and not seeking out the issues was not only hurting me, but it was being passed onto my daughter because she can see how I live my life. She knows my talents and sees how I do nothing with them, just like how my mom kept all her drawing hidden away in books I had to sneak peaks at when she wasn't paying attention. It is the same with my dad- why didn't he pursue his talents publicly?

Esteem- respect or admiration. How does one gain self-esteem? At least in my family it seems like a trait that could be learned by environment. A toxic poison, and I've been subconsciously feeding it to my daughter. A word about my daughter, as a mother of course I believe my daughter is gifted but even looking from the outside, I can see that my daughter has much to offer the world. She is a keeper of knowledge, with a heart of gold and the ability to make people smile, laugh or cry. One day she asked when we were going to see my father. I said to her "Don't worry we'll visit him again this year." Her response was a very quiet, very serious "He could die tomorrow, you know." My daughter sees things way beyond her years. It tears me up that I've been putting this family poison into her.

So here I sit, 30 years old, still comparing myself to other people, and having to find a way out of this trap before my daughter is lost in it.

They say that you develop self esteem by compliments that people give you. I'm an sure that is not the only way, because I get complimented but I'm unable to 'feel' them. It's just something other people think and it's never made me feel better, except maybe superficially for a moment. In me it is deep down hiding in the darkness, that little voice that says "So and so is better." "You aren't going to make it" "They are lying to you." "Don't trust them, they have their own motives"

I've been hurt by many people in the past, in many different ways. Many people have said that I've come out of things well, my automatic thought is "it could've been worse or people go through worse and are further along than I am." I can't find a moment where these thoughts began, it feels like they were born into me. I know some of it was passed on by my parents and grandparents. The very first time I felt inadequate I was when I started school. I didn't have a 'normal' family and some of the kids really let me know. I let them know what it felt like to get punched.

Even before that my dad's mom was telling people I was shy. I am not shy- I'm unsure of myself and feel like I don't matter. That was even before school started, so it isn't something that happened in school. When I dive into myself I can see a person who longs to be free from the self inflicted hell inside. I can see the person who is there under the fog of hatred and loathing. How can I free this girl? How can I teach her that it's ok to be happy? My life has had hard time and happy times but I have not enjoyed the happy times. I can't just relax and enjoy, there is always a voice speaking in my mind that keeps me from feeling what I should feel.

I know I need to find that inner voice and change the channel. I know that there are some people who appreciate who I am and that I've done some good in the world and there is more to do and I'm capable, I know that but i don't feel that. It's like I'm hardwired to feel this way. In the past I was diagnosed with several different types of depression but I really would like to 'fix' this problem so my daughter isn't poisoned by my way of thinking. I'd like to raise my daughter to see herself as precious and talented. I'd like her children to inherit proper thinking too. There are enough mean and spiteful people on the outside, it's sad when the meanest person is yourself.

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WHAT IT REALLY IS.....

nobody@vox.com(TRIZAH MORRIS) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 04:31:44 +0000

I lay awake resisting the impulse to open my eyes.

I imagine the planes flying over my house on the way to LAX are windshimes blowing gently in the wind.

The dog barking next door is my Throughbred Clydesdale neighing in the stable.

The crackheads arguing on the sidewalk are businessmen debating politics.

The gangbangers tagging up the wall are really hired artists commissioned to paint a beautiful mural.

The littered alleys are yellow brick roads lined with Jacaranda trees.

The sirens from the firetrucks, ambulances, and police cars are church bells tolling 12 o'clock.

The prostitutes standing on the corners are picturesque statues from the Roman Empire.

The bad kids throwing rocks at the cars in the parking lot are well refined children playing croquet on the lawn.

As I can't lay in my bed any longer, I open my eyes and everything was what it really is.

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