People don't respond to illness well. Especially when they don't understand it or they can't see it.
I have a panic disorder.
I have had for the best part of this year. The doc thinks it was triggered after I got a virus last year and was off work for a month, but this year, while I've been getting used to being freelance I think it's been a lot harder to control.
So, there. I've though about writing this post a lot. I've even written the title a few times but when I get to actually writing it, I don't. Because I don't know how people will react. If I had a broken leg or something it would be different, you'd hopefully all come round and make me tea. But some people, over the last six months have taken a step back from my life because they don't understand it.
Sometimes it's nothing major - a few butterflies. And over the last month or so I've been mostly fine. But today I feel a bit horrid. I get butterflies to the point where I'm going to have a panic attack, but I don't. The thought of having one causes me to have more butterflies and it's a cycle that sometimes I don't think will end.
Most of the time I'm fine, and things are so great now and I'm really happy. I just have toruble dealing with things being out of my control. I like being able to plan and feel that I can deal with anything. If anything, or anyone messes with that I can't deal with it. Instead of dealing with it, I'm likely to hide away until I don't have to anymore.
I'm not sure what difference writing this will make - maybe it's just my way of gaining control again. I don't know.
Maybe one day I won't have to know.
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