1. Belle Knox became a household name faster, perhaps, than any porn star in history. After a classmate discovered the Duke freshman in a video for FacialAbuse.com, she's gone from almost totally unknown to among the country’s most-searched for porn stars. Everyone, it seems, has questions. How could she let guys cum on her face and still call herself a feminist? Are her tuition bills really, as she claims, so high as to necessitate a high-paying side job? How could she expect to have an adult-film career in this day and age and keep it a secret? How will anyone take her seriously if she tries to become a women's rights attorney after graduation?

    I was mostly curious about her family. Tabloids have made a cottage industry of violating Belle Knox's parents' privacy, identifying them by name, outing their employers, and even airing claims from in-laws that they were "heartbroken" by their daughter's choices (which she denies). But aside from all the harassment was a conversation they had to have with their daughter, a conversation that Knox herself told the Duke campus paper she was dreading.

    "Are you going to tell them?" the interviewer asked. Knox let out an exasperated, "I don't want to."

    Porn performer Summer Brielle on set.

    The Internet Adult Film Database lists about 115,000 individual adult performers. That's 115,000 people who've either had the conversation Knox was dreading, or are avoiding it. And it's not just one conversation. It's one they have to have with new friends they meet, with people they start dating, with their partners’ families, with in-laws, even with their own children. It's a conversation that lasts the rest of their lives.

    I decided to ask a wide array of porn performers about that conversation — with their family, their friends, and their romantic partners. Here's what they told me.

    — Dylan Matthews

    Continue reading Section I: Timing.

  2. Timing

    Stoya: When I first started, I was only doing nude photographs. It’s still the kind of thing that might upset your grandmother, and you don’t want to have a loud conversation about it when there are people with small children around, but it’s so far away from hardcore pornography. My friends were all pretty open and pretty artsy and pretty explorative when it came to sex, so it wasn’t really a big deal.

    Shy Love: At 22, I was scouted by Playboy. I was walking in a mall or down the street — I forget which — and they’re like, "Are you interested?" I said, "Give me the card." I was always really the ugly duckling, so it was nice to have someone think that I was something men would desire, since I would never think that of myself. I was intrigued, so I called the guy.

    I wasn’t like a lot of the 22-year-olds in the business. I had already worked for a company that was listed on the NASDAQ. I had money. When I entered, I already had two master’s, a bachelor’s, and an associate’s degree. I was tired of all the rules about what I was and wasn’t supposed to do.

    Joanna Angel stands in her apartment.

    While I was doing the test shoot, they asked if I would rather do a show for the Playboy Channel, and I was like, "What’s the difference in money?" It’s a huge difference in pay. You got paid for each episode, twice a week. You get a check maybe once if you’re a Playmate. I thought, "If I don’t like it, I can not do it." And I loved it.

    Lisa Daniels: I wasn't sure how long I was going to stay in the industry, so I decided not to say anything to my family at first, thinking I would do a few scenes and that would be that. Never once did I think a relative would see me in such a short time in the industry.

    Stoya: I tip-toed into it. It was like, "Oh I posed nude, and then there’s this offer for this shoot and they want to see spread shots [shots where the labia are pulled apart - ed]. Well how do I feel about spread shots? I’m cool with spread shots. How do I feel about putting things inside of myself on camera? Then it turned into a very softcore scene on video with a girl, and there was pussy eating and maybe a finger or two, but nothing aggressive.

    Because of the process, it was less jarring than suddenly announcing, "Hey, guess what I’m doing for a living now! In the butt!"

    Joanna Angel: I had never wanted to be private. The first thing I say as a director is, "I hope you know that everyone you’ve ever met in your entire life is going to see this, especially these days." When I do something, I’m proud of it. Joanna is my real name, and I told my parents before it was going to be released because I thought they should hear it from me and not from someone else.

    "I hope you know that everyone you’ve ever met in your entire life is going to see this."

    Jiz Lee:I don’t recall talking much about my first shoot, or telling anyone about my plans to do it. When it released, it was a big hit and there were magazine articles, but it wasn’t nearly as much of an online scene as it is today. And around that time, working in a few porn titles wasn't a large part of my life so I didn't really think much about it.

    jessica drake:I was living in Texas, but going back and forth from El Paso to Los Angeles as I starting to get into the business. First, I was doing solo magazine work, and some softcore projects for Playboy TV, Cinemax, that type of thing. My friends in Texas knew I was dancing because I had been doing that there. By the time I decided to do porn, a year had passed. I think they started to figure out something more was going on, but I didn't confirm it until I knew that my first movies were about to be released.

    Sophia Fiore:I began performing last year in December. I wanted to make sure I told my family right away. The last thing I wanted was for them to find out. I'd rather tell them myself.

    Farell Timlake:When I began performing I knew I would have to have a conversation with my mother. My father had already passed so he wasn't an issue. I prepared myself for what I would say but not when I would say it. However, one day my mother mentioned that her neighbor thought he saw me on TV when he was staying at a hotel on a trip. I knew what that meant. I spent the next 24 hours preparing for The Speech.

    Danny Wylde:The first thing I ever did was for Kink.com. It was a femdom scenario, so I was getting tied up and kind of whipped by women. I thought that this was going to be a one-time experience where I’d make a little bit of money and have a weird story to tell.

    It didn't occur to me that my parents might find out about it, because I thought, even if my father or mother happens to be on a porn site, the likelihood they’ll come across this weird, fetish thing is pretty low.

    It was also a little bit easy to hide in the beginning because I was in school. They didn't need to know what type of job I had. I could say, "I have a part-time job," which was true, it just happened to be porn.

    Continue reading Section II: Reaction.

  3. Reaction

    Jiz Lee: Coming out as queer didn’t go very smoothly so I was as hesitant to tell them about porn as I had been about my sexual identity. I worried that they wouldn't accept me for the same reasons: that I'm not normal, that I'm being sinful, that I'm being taken advantage of, that something must have happened to me when I was younger to make me this way, that it will prevent me from finding a partner who will love me, and that ultimately, it will make my life harder and put me in danger. It was an interesting revelation to see how the two coming-out scenarios had overlapping fears.

    Coming out as queer didn't go very smoothly so I was hesitant to tell them about porn.

    My brother was one of the first people I came out to. He doesn't seem to have any issues with it, and at one point had considered working in the field as a videographer. My mother strongly identifies as a Christian and she and my grandmother are the only religious people in my family. My grandmother thinks I'm kind of a rockstar, and my mother — who I had expected to be the most concerned about my having sex on camera — surprised me when I came out to her by saying, "A good Christian doesn't judge. It seems like you're being healthy and are happy."

    Farrell Timlake:I will not deny the palms being perhaps a bit cold and sweaty as I held the phone in my hand.

    "Mom, I have some things to tell you: I do porn; I just got busted for weed; and the wife's pregnant."

    There was a pause long as the day is solstice short.

    "Sue's pregnant?!"

    It took her another two days before she circled back around to ask me about porn and weed. A few months later she was bragging to her blueblood, Connecticut country-club friends about it. A year later she was the lone investor to help me purchase Homegrown Video out of a bankruptcy.

    Buck Angel. Photo by Dusti Cunningham.

    Shy Love: My mom found out because I became a Hustler contract girl, and they were putting me on ads for their casino. I was on a really big ad. I’d never denied it but my mom knew something was up, and I gave her a heads up. Two days later Hustler put me on the cover of the magazine, and I’m like, "It’s more than what I told you."

    Her view was, "You already went to college, you’re well spoken and well educated. It’s not like it’s the only path. If this is what you want to do, I want to know you’re safe about it."

    I’m Jewish but my dad is a born-again Christian, so he was like, "God is never going to forgive you on these matters." My response was, "You’ve done a lot worse in your life. I’m not committing adultery. I’m not hurting anyone or putting anyone in harm."

    Michael Lucas: I told my mother, "You know I always wanted to do something in front of the camera, but Hollywood never called. But I did manage to get into the erotica business." And my mother said, "Even porn?" And I said, "Yeah, I make porn," and that was it.

    Buck Angel: Obviously my wife knew about it, because she helped me. I did not tell my immediate family at first because of the stigma and I wasn’t sure how they’d react.

    I always wanted to do something in front of the camera, but Hollywood never called

    My older sister is an LAPD officer and extremely conservative and judgmental in a lot of aspects, but she was also really supportive. Since I came from such a bad place with them about my transsexuality, and my drug addiction, they’re just happy to see me be successful.

    Stoya: My parents, they had different reactions, but the core of it for both of them was, "You’re our child, we love you... Are you on drugs? Are you being forced to do it? No? Then cool."

    Madison Young: I've always had the philosophy of "Reveal All; Fear Nothing." I came into the adult industry to start documenting my sexual life on film to show honest, sexual connection and female pleasure being expressed without shame. If I was to hide that act from my family or friends, well I'd only be perpetuating that inherent shame that exists in our society.

    My family is rather conservative and live in Southern Ohio, but they have become more open-minded over the past decade. I was no longer living with my family and had established a strong community in San Francisco when I came out to my family. At first it was very foreign to them but after years of conversations, of taking a deep breath and being patient and creating space for their emotions and defining what our comfort levels were with particular conversations. It's actually at a great place now.

    If I was to hide that act from my family or friends, well I'd only be perpetuating that inherent shame

    Danny Wylde: I didn't really decide to tell my parents until I met my first girlfriend through the industry. And when that started to become a somewhat serious relationship I thought, "I need to tell my parents," because if I want to introduce her to my parents, they are eventually gonna ask, "What do you do?" and that’s going to entail talking about what I'm doing.

    So, I called my mother up on the phone. She was not happy about it but she thought that it was just the exploration that I needed to do at the moment. I don't think that she thought that it was going to turn into a career for me. My father's response was a little more flat, and I didn't really know what he thought until many years later. I think that he was mostly concerned about health risks, like STIs and so forth, but none of them ever cut me off or anything like that. We still have a really good relationship.

    jessica drake: I wasn't close to my mother at all, and she took it upon herself to tell my father in the worst way imaginable: she sent him pictures of me having sex. When I managed to talk to him about it, he didn't want to discuss the particulars of my job for obvious reasons (and neither did I), but he told me as long as I was happy and being safe, he loved me and supported me.

    Summer Brielle gets dressed before a scene.

    Joanna Angel: I have a different relationship with my parents. I’ve been pissing them off since I was younger, you know? It wasn’t too much different from telling them I got my belly button pierced or that I had a tattoo they didn’t know about.

    I wasn’t asking them; I was telling them. They were upset, and then a little shocked. As they should be. What parents would be like, "Let me watch it!"?

    I had most of the "you're going to hell" conversations when I was 18 and came out as a lesbian

    Madison Young: I have a brother who thought the fact that I was working in porn was cool to the point of asking me to get porn stars' autographs for him.

    My family is religious but I think I kind of already burst that bubble and had most of the "you're going to hell" conversations when I was 18 and came out as a lesbian.

    Danny Wylde: My parents have been married a lot of different times and taken on a lot of step- and half-kids. I think that the worst things that [my siblings] would tell me is things like, "I was watching porn and came across you and never want to see that again." One of my sisters is a lesbian; I don't think she watches straight porn anyway.

    Stoya: There was a common view at the time that porn was especially empowering and I remember my mom sitting there going, "I guess doing things that you want to do can be empowering but there’s nothing inherently empowering about showing up in front of a camera with your nipples out. That’s as empowering as brushing your teeth."

    Chanel Preston.

    She was concerned that I was drinking the Kool-Aid, that I was thinking, "Yeah, because I’m not tan and don’t have big boobs, this must be an act of feminism or something!"

    Chanel Preston: I think my mom was a little grossed out by it, and my dad was very quiet, as I'm sure he found it to be pretty awkward. Both of them were a little concerned about it, but they know I am an adult and can choose what I do with my life.

    Joanna Angel: My family is very close. They wouldn’t disown me. At the time I still had a few more classes, and my dad was stern and said, "I don’t care where this thing goes or how much money you make, but you’re going to finish college." He just said to do that as a favor to him for paying for college for four years and so I did. I finished college.

    I also knew once I told them that I could never ask them for money ever again. They were always pretty generous about stuff. They weren’t going to support me forever but they would’ve let me have a cushion after graduating. I knew that luxury was gone. It took a while for my company to make money, but I still didn’t ask.

    Michael Lucas: I studied law at university in Moscow and of course [my parents] would prefer me to be a lawyer but they also understand the circumstances under which I left Russia, that I had no money to study, and that I needed to make money.

    Lisa Daniels: I knew they weren't going to be too thrilled about it, but my family is very close and I thought that's the way it would stay. Unfortunately some decided to keep their distance from me; they didn't want to associate with me. And others were cordial but our bond was no longer what it was before the industry. My mom and dad have had my back through it all and have supported my decision. It's been 9 years and my relationship with my family is starting to get better.

    Stoya: My dad does always seem to have this squeamishness about it where he’s genuinely interested in how my life is going and if my career is going well, but at the same time really doesn’t want to hear any details.

    When one comes out, it doesn't necessarily mean the conversation happens once and is over

    Jiz Lee: My family was honest about their feelings and respectful of my decisions, and most importantly, open to listen. We're still working out some ongoing issues; when one comes out, it doesn't necessarily mean the conversation happens once and is over. But I'm closer to them now than I've ever been, and I travel back home regularly to see them. I spoke at Princeton most recently, an Ivy school I would have never been able to afford to attend, and my family was proud.

    Jesse Flores: I tell my parents about my awards and nominations, and my mom enjoys my modeling part of the job. I’ll show her photos from my website — the clothed and topless ones only, of course — and she loves them.

    Tasha Reign: I told my mom I was going to do more Penthouse-type stuff, which was a nice way of saying porn. My mom goes back and forth about whether or not it's something she supports. I think she tries her best, and that's all I can ask anyone to do: attempt to understand. My little sister was furious and still is; my older sister is really supportive and cool about it. One of my brothers was really ashamed and the other was all about accepting me for me. It's all over the place with their reactions.

    Tasha Reign dresses for a scene.

    Joanna Angel: When things got crazy [as a porn star while still in college], I went to my mom’s house for a weekend. I didn’t talk to her, but I felt safe there. There, I’m just my mother’s daughter. She’s going to serve me food, and tell me to put on respectable clothes, and be a mom. That was great when I didn’t feel like dealing with the world for a weekend.

    Farrell Timlake: My mother, oddly enough, was easier on me about it than my brother. He did not approve. Moreover, his Stanford-educated frat brothers did not approve. I might as well have tattooed a big gothic "L" for loser on my forehead.

    I hope that no one at the nursing home gets us confused and tries to put my feet behind my head

    But then I started making money. His Exeter and Stanford education led him to a San Francisco parking lot valeting cars for rich d-bags driving Beemers. Suddenly the offer to come help me run a porn company didn't seem so bad. Eventually, he even shot one video just to say he had done it.

    Joanna Angel: I was such a bitch to my parents, and such a rebel. My family is going to be there for me no matter what, and this was a strange, weird test of it. I became a much better daughter. I never miss a birthday; I never miss a holiday; no matter what happens, I will not miss Passover or Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. I will fly back to be with my family.

    Stoya: My grandma’s maiden name is Stojadinović, and she used to use “Stoya” to sign her paintings in college. I decided to use it as my stage name. Eventually it got to the point where it was like, "Aw, I just did a media-heavy convention, and I was in front of the G4 cameras, and I gave a quote to the Wall Street Journal about whether I’m concerned about high-definition video, so this is now becoming a thing where I kind of have to tell my grandma because of Murphy’s Law of Inappropriate Behavior. If I don’t tell her, she’s going to stumble on it."

    So I called her:

    Stoya: Hey grandma! How are you?

    Grandma: Good, how are you? What are you doing for a living? Because your mother says you’re "kind of like a model," and she wouldn’t say "kind of" if you were, and, no offense honey, but you’re a bit short.

    Stoya: You know like Bettie Page, right?

    Grandma: Yes!

    Stoya: I do stuff like that except, because everybody runs around in skimpy clothing now, I do the modern version, where I have sex with people on video.

    Grandma: Oh, you’re a nudie girl in the moving pictures!

    Stoya: Yes I am.

    So I'm thinking, "Sweet, we’re doing good."

    Grandma: Do you enjoy it?

    Stoya: Yes!

    Grandma: Lovely!

    Stoya: Okay, I’ve got to tell you another thing.

    Grandma: Okay.

    Stoya: Well, I’m using your name.

    Grandma: Oooh. Vera? That’s not very sexy.

    Stoya: Well actually, if I was going for pin-up, that would actually be a fantastic name, but I’m using "Stoya."

    Grandma: Ooooh no.

    And I’m like, "Fuck, we were going so well!"

    Stoya: What’s wrong?

    Grandma: I hope that no one at the nursing home gets us confused and tries to put my feet behind my head, because I don’t bend that way anymore.

    Which says so many things. She was completely aware of what adult entertainment is. Otherwise how would she know that we end up contorted in these bizarre open-to-the-camera, keep-your-face-in-the-light yoga positions?

    Joanna Angel: I can talk about it with my dad, because he’ll talk about it on the business end. We don’t talk about my scenes. It’s not appropriate.

    I really am a very normal person outside of work, and I’m tactful. If I’m going to a family event I don’t talk about getting gang banged.

    There's a lot of religious people in my mom’s family where the relationship will never be the same, but I can’t live my life differently because there’s an uncle somewhere in Israel who doesn’t approve of what I do.

    Sophia Fiore: [My mother] told me if I was going to be in porn, to make sure I don't suck. Pardon the pun.

    Continue reading Section III: Friends.

  4. Friends

    Shy Love: In terms of my kids, no one has ever said anything. Everyone’s been supportive. I’ve not involved my kids in that lifestyle. They go to nice Jewish schools and do what they’re supposed to do. I don’t have these conversations around them. People judge you based on the way you are with your kids. My kids do not know about my career choices, in the past or present.

    Shy Love, in her daughter's bedroom.

    Jiz Lee: The queer porn we were doing in San Francisco was seen as being a part of a legacy of dyke/trans porn that had been produced since the late '90s-early 2000s by and for our community, so it was regarded as something gutsy and cool. Performers were also the dancers at the Lusty Lady, drag kings, writers, singers, sex toy clerks, and LGBT activists.

    I didn't lose any friends, not that I recall. And I think that if we lost touch, it was because I changed jobs and became busy. The same thing used to happen to me when I was working as an assistant director of an aquatic center, or when I was the executive director of a non-profit dance organization.

    Joanna Angel: I did have a lot of friends from when I grew up and in college who were uncomfortable. Would I remain close with someone if they became a preacher? I don’t know. It’d probably put a damper on our friendship. If somebody became a staunch advocate for the Republican party or something, could I be their best friend? Probably not. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, but when someone’s passionate about something you’re not too into, it can be a problem.

    Lisa Daniels: I did lose friends because of the industry. It turned out that their boyfriends were watching me in my movies and the girls no longer wanted me to come around. The friendships that I do have, I cherish. And the other performers that I have formed a friendship with, we tend to have a really strong bond. We understand each other, we go through the same things.

    They believe it's just fun, fun, fun. Which it's not. It's a tough job.

    Michael Lucas: I do not keep in touch with Russia. I moved my family here as soon as I got my green card, and I don't like Russia, so I never kept the contacts there.

    Living in New York City, I don’t have an issue with anybody. I'll say, "I run an adult company," and the reaction is, "Wow, that's great, I wish I had your job." Which sounds like to me like they believe it's just fun, fun, fun. Which it's not. It's a tough job. A lot of people don't understand that it’s just business, business, business. I kind of get irritated when I hear that — "I wish that I would have your job" — because it’s like, do they really think that I’m just sitting and jerking off? It’s ridiculous.

    A scene is filmed for an as-yet-untitled porn movie in Los Angeles.

    My friend from Westport, CT who grew up next to Martha Stewart was totally cool with it

    Tasha Reign: I told my close girlfriends and a guy I had been hooking up with for a while I was going to make the leap from stripping to adult movies. No one seemed super shocked.

    Some people I didn't tell at all, and they just found out on their own, aka watching porn online. I wasn’t too worried about it because I was really passionate about my new job and actually would send pics of stills from scenes to friends. I don't do that anymore because it’s creepy. LOL.

    Farrell Timlake: The moment I told all my friends was interesting just because I had no idea what to expect. The first reaction was almost overwhelmingly negative with one notable exception: my friend from Westport, CT who grew up next to Martha Stewart was totally cool with it.

    However, a day or so later many had not only warmed to the idea but were asking me for what my hottest scenes were so they could check them out.

    Continue reading Section IV: Dating.

  5. Dating

    Chanel Preston: It does affect my dating life, since there are not many people comfortable with the idea of me running off to have sex with other people multiple times a week. At first they are not hesitant; it's not until they start getting stronger feelings for you that the hesitance begins.

    I've only dated one person in the industry, and he was actually more of a jealous person than you'd expect.

    Stoya: When I was like 17, 18, 19, I just wasn’t interested in cultivating long term romantic relationships. I was like, "I’m not done! I’ve just started! I’ve just begun being an adult and running around! I don’t have time!"

    And then I was just so freaking busy. Even before we bring the layers of natural human jealousy and insecurity, the cultural structures of monogamy as default, and masculinity being threatened by the idea of "sharing your woman" or whatever, how are you supposed to have a relationship when you live in, say, Philadelphia or New York, and once a month you go out to Los Angeles for four days to two weeks to film, and then you’re getting shipped to to Berlin and Australia and Alaska and Texas and just ping ponging all over the place?

    Chanel Preston prepares her wardrobe for a scene.

    Farrell Timlake: I was married when I got into the industry. She was part of the initial inspiration for getting into the business. We saw it as a way to see more Grateful Dead concerts by doing something we loved to do anyway.

    Joanna Angel: My current boyfriend had a couple of friends who felt strange about it, or who tried to convince him he was doing something wrong. We got through it. I think I’m able to prove people wrong a lot. I don’t show up in stilettos and a bikini and act like a whore. I’m less porny than everybody else. Going to the pool, I feel like I always have the most conservative bikini on. I don’t have plastic surgery, I don’t like walk out and scream porn star the way other people do. I have plenty to talk about that isn’t porn.

    I tried [dating another porn actor] and it’s a terrible idea. On paper it sounds like it should work. It works for some people. But I really only know one couple that has lasted through the years.

    Stoya hangs from an acrobatic ring in her apartment.

    Stoya: I had, I guess you could call them boyfriends, and I had people who I would have sex with that were also friends, but it was always like, "This isn’t permanent, you’re not my priority." I was young, and awkward, and kind of a bitch, and very blunt at times. I probably did a very poor job of maintaining the balance and letting people know, "Hey, I like you, I just can’t commit to being around regularly and stuff." I probably bruised some hearts, which I feel bad about, possibly damaged some egos.

    And then you find that one person who’s absolutely freaking incredible, and they match, and they work, and you’re already good friends, and all of a sudden both of you are pretty much single, and you ask, "Hey, do you want to start hanging out more seriously?" And you go for it! And then suddenly he has all of your shoes in his house in Los Angeles, and you have four cats, and you keep saying you’re a New Yorker but you’re not in New York very often.

    Buck Angel: Dating definitely was something that I wasn't used to, because my whole career in the adult industry I had been married to a woman who was extremely supportive.

    I don't identify as a straight man or a gay man. I identify as a sexual man. Men have been much easier, and haven't had any sort of stuff around me being an adult performer. But with women, it definitely is a conversation that comes up. It's not that they're not comfortable; they just aren't used to it. They're just not used to being around somebody who's out there with their body and sexuality.

    Michael Lucas: I always went for people who would not have an issue with it. I've had four relationships. My second boyfriend's family never knew what I do. They knew that I was doing business, but not exactly what kind of business. They were older people and there was no point in telling them.

    But other than that, everybody knows, and everyone is fine. I would never change my job for anybody; that's ridiculous. It would never be a healthy relationship if you sacrifice something big for another person. I know people that do sacrifice their adult careers for their boyfriends. They always use it as a reminder whenever something goes wrong. They always say, well, I sacrificed my career for you. That’s not healthy.

    I would never change my job for anybody; that's ridiculous

    Danny Wylde: While in the industry, I've only dated people in the industry. My sexual experiences while in the industry with people outside of it often felt like I was a novelty, or something like, "Well, you better be really great in the sack because you fuck for a living."

    Ideas around sex and jealousy and what constitutes monogamy start to change when you’re in the industry.

    I felt that after six months or a year or so, I no longer wanted to perform with my partner on camera. Relationships can get in the way, especially because what's happening on set is not intimate at all. If you're just fucking someone, you're clearly just interacting with their body, even if you're friends with the person.

    Jiz Lee: Sometimes, when I would go on a date with someone for the first time, they had an expectation of me being an easy yes, which I suppose goes with the territory. If you’re only seeing scenes where I’m saying yes, you don’t ever see that sometimes I say no.

    Tasha Reign on set.

    Currently, I have a partner of three years and we’re emotionally exclusive. When I do have sex outside of my partner or porn, it’s almost always with other porn performers, because I feel safer in terms of safety around sexual health. Most performers are tested twice a month and know their status, tend to be familiar with using barriers, and know how to communicate boundaries.

    Why is it OK to ask me that just because I do porn?

    Jesse Flores: I don’t date anyone in the industry. I prefer outside of it only. But being in the industry adds to the struggle. Once I tell the guys I’m in the industry, their creep factor goes into overdrive. They think it’s okay to say or ask whatever, with no respect.

    It's like, "Would you ask that to someone you met at the store or coffee shop?" No! So why is it okay to ask me that just because I do porn?

    Shy Love: My husband and I started dating when I was in porn. I told him, “I’m never going to give up my business for some guy.” He never was forceful, but he said, “I cannot be serious with a girl who's in front of the camera.” One day I quit. He asked, “Why?” Was I not popular anymore? I said, “I didn’t do it for you.” Next thing you know, I’m engaged, and married, and have kids. You do have to stop performing to have that normal life.

    The interviews in this story were edited for length and clarity. Continue reading for the bonus material of full transcripts from the interviews with each star.

  6. Photo by Dusti Cunningham.

    Buck Angel

    Buck Angel is a adult performer, director, and producer, and founder of the production company Buck Angel Entertainment. He has 21 films as a performer and 14 as a director to his credit. He won Transsexual Performer of the Year at the 2007 AVN Awards (the porn industry's most prestigious awards ceremony), and is the only transman to win the award to date. He is also a motivational speaker, life coach, and the founder of buckangeldating.com, a dating site for transmen.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: When you started performing, who were the people in your life who you told? I imagine that's different for you because you were also coming out as trans and there are a lot of attendant issues there, but what was that process like? Who did you trust and confide in?

    Buck Angel: When I did first start performing, I didn't really tell my family or any of that. I told some of my very close friends, but I did not tell my immediate family at the time because, you know, because of that stigma of working in porn and I was not sure how they would react to it.

    Dylan Matthews: How did you friends react?

    Buck Angel: My friends reacted fine because I already worked in the adult business, but behind the scenes. So I wasn't a performer, I was more of a producer of films, of fetish films. I don't think that it was shocking to any of them that I did it at all. I think that I got total support from everybody, because my stuff is so different from a lot of other people's. I was doing something that was so new and nobody even thought about doing. I think most of my friends are pretty open-minded and knew that what I was gonna do was something pretty awesome. So they were really supportive of it.

    I can't think of one person ... When you asked me that question, I've never really thought about it, but I can't think of one person that was, "Oh my god are you going to do that? That's so weird or gross." You know what I mean? Like, any negativity in that respect. I can't think of one single person that's said that to me.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you have a lot of friends in the industry, or was this mostly people who you'd known before, who you ran this by? I imagine if you'd been in the industry for a while, obviously your friends aren't gonna think this is weird!

    Buck Angel: A lot of my friends weren't in the industry, necessarily. I have a very wide variety of friends, by the way. Even sexuality or gender-wise, I have such a wide variety of people in my life. It's not only trans people or gay people, or people who are in the fetish world. I have such a wide variety of friends. I think that's what so interesting about my friends not being very judgmental about it.

    And they weren't necessarily in the adult business. A lot of my friends are I guess what you could call vanilla in that sense. Or they're just basically maybe actors or theater people, people like that, who might not necessarily watch porn. And not all of my friends actually even watch porn. But I think they're open-minded in the sense that they understand that people do watch porn, and porn is an important thing.

    But then when I finally told my parents, and the reason why I told my parents is because I started becoming a bit more well-known, right? I didn't want my parents to see me on a TV show or to see me in an article somewhere and be like, "What?" I think that would be really disrespectful to my family. So I ended up telling my family what I did. And to be honest with you, even my family was like, "Well you know, if that's the choice you're going to make, and it's legal, and it's the thing that makes you happy, then we're okay with it." And I did a dance a little bit, kind of shocked about how cool my parents are about me being in the adult industry.

    Dylan Matthews: That's a really positive reaction relative to some other parents.

    Buck Angel: I know! It's shocking, actually. They're like, "We don't really want to talk about it." Which is fine — of course I have boundaries around my parents. My sister — actually my younger sister — probably the most negativity that she has about it is I could have made a better career choice. And now that I'm not so much doing porn, but I'm doing more speaking and stuff, she's like, "See, I told you, you should have done something else." And I said you know, my porn work actually got me into being able to do speaking and all of that. So it actually is a positive thing for me.

    Dylan Matthews: It was a step rather than a detriment.

    Buck Angel: Exactly.

    Dylan Matthews: So you have siblings … Is it just your sister, or do you have more?

    Buck Angel: That's my younger sister. My older sister actually is a retired police officer. She's extremely conservative, extremely judgmental in a lot of aspects of her life. She was also really supportive. The only thing I can attribute it to is the fact that I'm so positive about it, that this is what I do and what I do is very important. I get positive feedback from the world. I think that because I come to it with such a positivity and I talk about it with such positivity that my family, they don't really have a choice. And since I came from such a bad place with my transsexuality stuff and all of that, and drug addiction and blah blah blah, they're just happy to see me be successful and like what I do, really.

    Dylan Matthews: Were they supportive when you initially came out as trans, or was that a struggle?

    Buck Angel: Yes. I don't know if you've had a chance to see my documentary, Mr. Angel, but it talks a lot about that. My parents were much more supportive of being a transsexual man than being a gay woman. Which says a lot. It says a lot of things about society and gender. People have an easier time accepting gender because for them gender is sort of black or white, you're either a man or a woman, for a lot of people.

    Whereas sexuality — sex has that stigma around it with so many things, not just with porn but with people's sexuality, right? Gay marriage is still a big ordeal. It's ridiculous. My parents, I think they could accept me — "You're a man, that makes sense." Whereas before it was like, "We don't really understand you being a woman and liking a women." That was very difficult for them. My parents are extremely supportive of me being a transsexual man and living my life this way. That said, I'm not the norm in a lot of ways. I've not the norm with the porn industry, I'm not the norm for a transsexual person, and in my family. I have nothing but positive things to say about how people have reacted to me being in porn, with my family and friends.

    Dylan Matthews: How has your dating life been affected by performing in front of the camera?

    Buck Angel: That's a great question. I love that question, by the way, because it is something that is interesting as an adult performer and as a person who — I don't necessarily perform anymore, I'm more behind the camera now. I produce a series of stuff. With that said, I'm still in an industry that deals with sex. I am dating a cisgender woman who isn't in the adult industry. It definitely was something that I wasn't used to because my whole career in the adult industry I never really dated.

    So now being outside of it — I don't identify as a straight man, or a gay man, I just identify as a sexual man, and so more for me it's about the person that I'm attracted to. Men have been really much easier and haven't had any sort of stuff around me being an adult performer. It has never been a conversation or anything. It's always been, "That's cool."

    But sometimes with women — I'm not sure if its a more emotional attachment to it or something that — but especially for somebody that isn't connected to the adult industry, it's a discussion that I have with them. But it always seems to come back to being OK about it, and I think it's because I'm so OK with it. It definitely is a conversation that comes up and people are — it's not that they're not comfortable, they just aren't used to it. They're just not used to being around somebody who's out there with their body and sexuality to the whole world. I can put myself in somebody else's shoes and it would be a kind of weird, interesting thing to have to deal with sometimes. Of course I am not going to be around somebody who isn't positive about it. It's part of my life, and my work. I have to be around people who are extremely supportive with it. Again, people are very supportive. People I date, people I have sex with are very supportive about what I do and who I am.

    Dylan Matthews: Is there anything that you wanted to touch on before we wrap up?

    Buck Angel: I think it's a really important discussion and I think that the world does have – I know for a fact, I told you in my email, I had to literally reinvent myself to be able to start [motivational speaking and life coaching] because people think, "Porn??" That word "porn" is the dirtiest word in the world. It freaks people out and they just cannot get their head around it, around what that means. Porn is something that's just so huge. People use it and watch it and like it but it's the dirty little secret, right? It's just a dirty little secret, and it's a huge, big thing in the world, and it makes no sense whatsoever.

  7. Photo by Zackary Canepari.

    Joanna Angel

    Joanna Angel is an adult performer, director, and producer, and the founder of Burning Angel, a production company which contributed to the rise of "alt-porn" as a genre. She has 138 titles as a performer and 80 as a director to her name, and has won eight AVN Awards. She has occasionally appeared in non-adult productions, including Adult Swim's Childrens Hospital and the independent film Scrapper.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: I know you started when you were at Rutgers. How private were you when you started performing?

    Joanna Angel: I didn't ever want it to be private. That’s the one thing I tell people as a director or as a producer when I'm hiring girls. The first thing I say is, "I hope you know that everyone you’ve ever met in your entire life is going to see this." I just think that's something you need to know, especially these days. When I started, there was maybe a way to keep it private. I don’t know. When I do something, I’m proud of it. This was never something I wanted to hide. I wanted to do porn, and I wanted everybody to find out about it, because the more people who found out about it the more successful my career could be.

    Joanna is my real name, and I told my parents before it was going to be released to the world because I thought that they should hear it from me and not from someone else. I didn’t have to break it to anyone because everyone knew. It was all anyone was talking about for a couple of days. I'm coming from a different place. I wasn’t trying to lead a double life. Once I did this, it became my life.

    Dylan Matthews: What was that conversation like with your parents? They're religious, right?

    Joanna Angel: They are. I have a different relationship with my parents. I’ve been pissing them off since I was younger, you know? When I first got tattooed, I tried to hide it for a while, and then I said, "I'm sick of wearing a long sleeve shirt every time I’m around them." Porn wasn’t too much different from telling them I got my belly button pierced or I had a tattoo they didn’t know about.

    I used to get nervous about telling them things because I was financially dependent on them. This was a little bit easier, since I was an adult. I was close to finishing college, so I was not dependent on them anymore. I wasn’t asking them; I was telling them. They were upset, and then a little shocked. As they should be. What parents would be like, "Let me watch it!"? That's weird. I’m glad we keep [my work] separate.

    My mom was a little upset since she thought she maybe did something wrong, and I told her that she didn't do anything wrong, I’m just a crazy person. It's on me, it's not on her. At first, she thought somebody was forcing me to do it because I think that made her feel better, and then she wanted to find who this person was. It was a little more upsetting that it was a decision I came to on my own, which was hard for her to wrap her head around.

    My family is very close and the idea of family is more important to my family than anything else. My family is very close. They wouldn’t disown me. At the time, I still had a few more classes, and my dad was stern and said, "I don’t care where this thing goes, or how much money you make, but you’re going to finish college." He just said to do that as a favor to him for paying for college for four years, actually five years, and so I did. I finished college.

    I also knew once I told them that I could never ask them for money ever again. They were always pretty generous about stuff. They weren’t going to support me forever, but they would’ve let me have a cushion after graduating. I knew that luxury was gone. It took a while for the company to make money, but I still didn’t ask.

    I don’t know, people ask me for advice, "How do I tell my parents?" I can't tell anybody. Everyone’s relationship with their family is different. My relationship with my family actually became closer once this all started happening, because I did have a lot of friends from when I grew up, and in college, who were uncomfortable. Would I remain close with someone if they became a preacher? I don’t know. It’d probably put a damper in our friendship. If somebody became a staunch advocate for the Republican party or something, could I be their best friend? Probably not. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, but when someone’s passionate about something you’re not so crazy about, it can put a damper on your friendship, and that's fine. I was ready for all of this to happen. I was expecting all of it.

    I was also, I dunno, somewhat mature or something. So you know, I did lose a lot of friends, and all the negative, and even positive, attention I got when the website first launched was a lot for me to deal with. I wasn’t used to being the center of attention. I was used to being a girl on the sidelines. People were asking me a lot of questions that I wasn't really sure how to answer. This was twelve years ago, porn was not this mainstream at all.

    I got very stressed, and one of the first things I did — I was still living on my campus at the time — when things got crazy, I went to my mom’s house for a weekend. I didn’t talk to her, but I felt safe there. There, I’m just my mother’s daughter. She’s going to serve me food, and tell me when it's too late, and tell me to put on respectable clothes, and be a mom. That was great when I didn’t feel like dealing with the world for a weekend. She knew that I was upset and I was frazzled. She would give me a hug and tell me everything would be okay, and that's all I needed from my family.

    It made me appreciate them, because in college, or even in high school, I was such a bitch to my parents, and such a rebel. You like to think that your friends and circles are your family, and it was a nice moment to realize my family is going to be there for me no matter what, and this was a strange, weird test of it. I became a much better daughter. I never miss a birthday; I never miss a holiday. No matter what happens, I will not miss Passover or Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. I will fly back to hang out with my family no matter what the hell I have going on in the world because I feel like I owe it to them, you know?

    Dylan Matthews: You mentioned that you lost a lot of friends. Was that mostly at Rutgers, or friends from childhood?

    Joanna Angel: Mostly at Rutgers. I let go of a lot of my childhood friends when I got to Rutgers. I guess I didn't have that many of them, so it wasn't that hard. It was the end of college, and a lot of people I lost touch with because we all went different ways. There were a handful of people who got kind of strange with me. It’s fine. Some friends I lost just because our lives went in different ways. I'm making porn, I have other friends who became journalists or went to med school or law school. You wind up losing touch with people anyways. But all my close friends were fine. They were fine.

    There were a couple of girls that were die-hard feminists and didn’t like the idea. I had some girl talk shit to me because she was abused when she was younger, and I was perpetuating something that enables that, and I said, "You cannot blame me for the bad times you went through when you were younger. I'm not responsible for that." When my company launched, my most important thought was getting my company off the ground, and taking it to a big level. Anyone who gave me shit, I just didn't care. I think that’s why I don’t get that much shit. People see that I just don’t care. All I really care about is my company being bigger. If someone talks shit to me, I just think, "That’s so cool that they’ve heard about my company!"

    I don’t have any guilt about what I do. I do have a lot of girls who work for me who don’t do porn full time. I think those are the girls who have it the hardest. They do a porn once every couple months, and then go back to their regular lives, and they do get judged for it. When they ask me for advice, I always say that the best thing to do is, if you start to show a weakness, people will come in and see that.

    If someone calls you a whore and you're like, "What the fuck are you talking about, I'm not a whore! Shut up and leave me alone!", they might stop it. If you're like, "No, I just needed the money, I'm a strong person and this is an expression"…once you start crying about it or show some kind of weakness, then people are going to pry you open, and they're not going to stop.

    It’s not much that different from any other type of entertainment, when Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber or Amanda Bynes starts going on a rampage. The best thing they can do is just be quiet. Once they start opening their mouths on Twitter and try to defend themselves, the media eats them alive.

    Dylan Matthews: From the outside at least, it seems like a very tight-knit circle of performers. Is part of that the need for solidarity when you have outside forces against you?

    Joanna Angel: No, it’s not. As much as it’d be nice if it was like that, it's not. Porn is entertainment. It’s competitive. A lot of people aren’t very nice to each other. I always think porn stars should stick together because the whole world is against us, but it’s not like that. When you've got a whole bunch of people who want fame and money, you’re always going to have issues. You’ve got to behave yourself appropriately.

    There are groups of friends, but a lot of people look at each other as competition, and sometimes you can be friends, but it’s not like that in any world of entertainment. I’d like to think I’m a nice person, I know there are nice people, but it’s like anything else. You’ve got to find who your friends are, and know who you can trust. It’s not a warm, fuzzy hippie circle of people supporting each other. Anyone who thinks porn would be like that is crazy.

    Dylan Matthews: You've been doing this a long time. It's been twelve years now. Has your relationship with friends and family outside the industry changed since then? Has growing up and maturing made things easier?

    Joanna Angel: Like I said with my family, we don’t really talk about it. I can talk about it with my dad, because he’ll talk about it on the business end. We don’t talk about my scenes.

    It’s become something we don’t talk about. It's an elephant in the room, and we don't talk about it. We’re family, we’re going to stay together no matter what. A relative might joke about it, everyone knows [about it], but we don’t talk about it. It’s not appropriate.

    I lost some friends along the way, and then other friends that I had, it’s pretty normal. People love the stories I have to tell, and they’re fascinated with my life, and some friends who went off and had somewhat boring jobs stay in touch because they like to hear about my ridiculous life. Obviously it makes it a little more of a challenge to be in a romantic relationship, but that’s something I handle. That was probably the toughest aspect of it because everybody likes to be friends with porn stars, and talk about it, or brag about it. But when it comes to a dating life it's a little more difficult, so that was a hardship for a while: trying to balance that and having a job in the relationship. It's not impossible, it's just a little challenging sometimes.

    Dylan Matthews: Do you think it's easier to date people who also work in porn?

    Joanna Angel: I did that, and it’s a terrible idea. On paper that sounds like it should work. But I don’t really know about that. It works for some people. I really only know one couple that has lasted throughout the years.

    Dylan Matthews: Have things changed since your friends started having kids? Do they get weird about that, or not treat you like any other friend of theirs in that regard? It seems like people have pretty messed up views about that sort of intersection.

    Joanna Angel: I don't feel that way. That's why I felt bad when you wrote me. I'm like, "I don’t know if I have enough struggle for the story you’re working on!" People don’t do that to me. I really am a very normal person outside of work, and I’m tactful. If I’m going to a family event, I don’t talk about getting gang banged. I behave like an adult around children.

    I’m not saying that doesn’t exist, but at this point in my life anybody who’s uncomfortable with what I do has been weeded out, and it’s been so long since I talked to them. Once I started dating my current boyfriend, I felt like I had to go through that all over again because he had a couple of friends who felt strange about it, or tried to convince him he was doing something wrong, that you shouldn't date a girl like that. We got through it.

    I think I’m able to prove people wrong a lot. They have these ideas in their head, and then they talk to me or they meet me, and they see I’m like anybody else. When I hang out with my boyfriend's friends, I don’t show up in stilettos and a bikini and act like a whore. Sometimes I go out and I feel like I’m less porny than everybody else. Going to the pool this summer I'm like, "I feel like I have the most conservative bikini on of anyone here!" I don’t have plastic surgery. I don’t like walk out and scream porn star the way some other people do. I can blend easily. I have plenty to talk about that isn’t porn.

    I like what I do and I try to, I dunno. When I started dating my boyfriend, I knew, any time I was meeting his friends, I was being judged. And I don’t blame them. They don’t want their friend to get hurt. They don't want their friend to wind up with someone who's bad news. I get it. I think it’s okay. I’m confident enough with myself to be able to dispel any stereotypes that somebody might have of me. Not every porn star is the same, not every porn star has the same career. We’re all different people, and I'm pretty comfortable with who I am.

    You have to know getting into this that it's not going to be accepted by everyone. It’s a very common part of smalltalk to be like, "Hey, what do you do for a living?" and a lot of times I don't feel like talking about it. I'm not lying because I'm embarrassed. If I’m making smalltalk with someone on an airplane do I have to say, "I do porn"? I make up some lie and that's just how it goes. It's not that I'm scared of being judged, I just don't feel like talking about it.

    Dylan Matthews: You say you direct web videos, or something that's true but deflects?

    Joanna Angel: Exactly. I know when it’s appropriate to talk about and when it's not. I have some members in my family [who object]. That was probably what was most upsetting to me. A lot of friends that I had, people who didn’t accept it, they obviously weren’t meant to be friends anyway. There are some religious people in my mom’s family where the relationship will never be the same, but I can’t live my life differently because there’s an uncle somewhere in Israel who doesn’t approve of what I do.

  8. Photo by Luke Ford.

    Lisa Daniels

    Lisa Daniels is a Colombian adult performer, with 72 titles to her credit.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: When you began performing, who did you decide to tell? Did you tell them before scenes or shoots started being released or later on? What was the conversation like? How did you broach it?

    Lisa Daniels: I wasn't sure how long I was going to stay in the industry, so I decided not to say anything to my family at first, thinking I would do a few scenes and that would be that. Never once did I think a relative would have seen me in such a short time of me being in the industry. I received a call from a cousin. They were definitely concerned; I thought about it hard.

    Dylan Matthews: What was your family's reaction? Were your parents' responses different? Do you have siblings? If so, how did they respond? Were they supportive? If there were doubts, what kind? Were there religious concerns?

    Lisa Daniels: My family's reaction was one of the hardest things I had to deal with. I knew they weren't going to be too thrilled about it, but my family is very close and I thought that's the way it would stay. Unfortunately some decided to keep their distance from me; they didn't want to associate with me. And others were cordial but our bond was no longer what it was before the industry. My mom and dad have had my back through it all and have supported my decision. It's been 9 years and my relationship with my family is starting to get better.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you lose any friends at the time? Did some friendships strengthen because people stuck by you? Did you find it easier to maintain friendships with people who were also performing?

    Lisa Daniels: I did lose friends because of the industry. It turned out that their boyfriends were watching me in my movies and the girls no longer wanted me to come around. The friendships that I do have, I do cherish. And the other performers that I have formed a friendship with, we tend to have a really strong bond. We understand each other, we go through the same things.

    Dylan Matthews: How did it affect your dating life when you began? Now? Were romantic partners more hesitant because you were in the business? Did or do you find it easier to date in the industry?

    Lisa Daniels: I have tried to stay away from dating within the industry. And I have no idea why I put myself through that. It's very hard for someone outside the industry — family and friends or coworkers — to approve of me and that alone can be a deal-breaker. I just recently started dating a director in the adult industry and it's way easier and no pressure on the relationship.

  9. Photo courtesy of jessica drake.

    Jessica Drake

    jessica drake is an adult performer and director, with 315 performing credits and 9 directing credits to her name. She has won nine AVN Awards and has been inducted into both the AVN and the X-Rated Critics Organization Halls of Fame. She hosts the sex education video series “jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex." She also had a cameo in the video for Lady Gaga and Beyoncé's "Telephone."

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: When you began performing, who did you decide to tell? Did you tell them before scenes or shoots started being released or later on? What was the conversation like? How did you broach it?

    jessica drake: Well, I was still living in Texas and going back and forth from El Paso to LA as I was starting to get into the business. First I was doing solo magazine work, and some softcore projects for Playboy TV, Cinemax, that type of thing. At that point, my friends in Texas knew I was dancing- which I had been doing there. By the time I decided to do porn, a year had passed. I think they started to figure out something more was going on, but I didn't confirm it until I knew that my first movies were about to be released. Quite frankly, they were pretty appalled at first. They asked me how and why I could possibly do porn, and they cited just about every "Boogie Nights" stereotype imaginable. Bear in mind, these are the same people who now reach out to me and tell me how great it is, how proud they are of me, and hey, can I send them some free porn or autographs?

    Dylan Matthews: What was your family's reaction? Were your parents' responses different? Do you have siblings? If so, how did they respond? Were they supportive? If there were doubts, what kind? Were there religious concerns?

    jessica drake: I wasn't close to my mother at all, and she took it upon herself to tell my father in the worst way imaginable: she sent him pictures of me having sex. I didn't realize this until much after the fact. When I managed to talk to him about it, he didn't want to discuss the particulars of my job for obvious reasons (and neither did I), but he told me as long as I was happy and being safe, he loved me and supported me. My younger brother has never had an issue with it.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you lose any friends at the time? Did some friendships strengthen because people stuck by you? Did you find it easier to maintain friendships with people who were also performing?

    jessica drake: I definitely lost friends. I've come to realize their reactions said more about them than about me. But yes, some friendships were also strengthened. Now I'm friends with people in the industry, but I try and maintain other interests & friendships as well.

    Dylan Matthews: How did it affect your dating life when you began? Now? Were boyfriends and girlfriends more hesitant because you were in the business? Did or do you find it easier to date in the industry?

    jessica drake: I was dating someone at the time who had no issue with it. After we split up (my decision), I tried it both ways. I find it much better to date someone in the industry. They tend to understand the job and they're usually able to handle any issues that might arise better than what we sometimes refer to as "civilians."

  10. Photo by Zackary Canepari.

    Sophia Fiore

    Sophia Fiore is an adult performer with 20 titles to her credit.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: When you began performing, who did you decide to tell? Did you tell them before scenes or shoots started being released or later on? What was the conversation like? How did you broach it?

    Sophia Fiore: I began performing last year in December. I wanted to make sure I told my family. The last thing I wanted was for them to find out; I'd rather tell them myself. The conversation was very calm and my mom just seemed interested in making sure it was a decision I was OK with. She also wanted to make sure I was happy but knowledgeable about what I wanted to do in the industry.

    Dylan Matthews: What was your family's reaction? Were your parents' responses different? Do you have siblings? If so, how did they respond? Were they supportive? If there were doubts, what kind? Were there religious concerns?

    Sophia Fiore: My family's reaction to it included asking my view on why it was something I wanted to pursue. I've always had my head on my shoulders, and my mother knows that. She just wanted to know where I wanted to take adult performing as a career. She told me if I was going to be in porn, to make sure I don't suck. Pardon the pun. LOL. I do have siblings and they felt the same way as well, trying to hear from my perspective, why I was deciding to pursue this. But my family has always been supportive no matter what.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you lose any friends at the time? Did some friendships strengthen because people stuck by you? Did you find it easier to maintain friendships with people who were also performing?

    Sophia Fiore: My best friend ever is in Texas and when I told her, she was a little concerned but very supportive as well. Our friendship has always been strong, but it's amazing when someone loves you so much they accept everything about you, even if its a little out of the norm. No, I wouldn't say it's easier to cultivate friendships in the industry, but it definitely happens and you obviously have similar things to talk about. I wouldn't say it's any easier than having friendships outside of the industry.

    Dylan Matthews: How did it affect your dating life when you began? Now? Were boyfriends and girlfriends more hesitant because you were in the business? Do you find it easier to date in the industry?

    Sophia Fiore: It can affect your dating life. Personally, I rarely date, but when I am thinking about it, I find its best to be up front. If you find out I'm an adult actress but you aren't cool with it, I totally understand. Some people can handle it, some can't. Personally, I'm drawn to very confident men who it doesn't phase as hard. I am actually the one who is more hesitant. I like what I do, and I'm not ashamed if it. It's one thing for a guy to say he's cool with what I do, but I want him to show me in his actions. I do think dating someone in the industry makes understanding my career easier, but I've really only dated outside of the industry. Not on purpose, it's just happened that way so far.

  11. Photo courtesy of Jesse Flores.

    Jesse Flores

    Jesse Flores is an adult performer with 72 titles to her credit. She is a five-time AVN Award nominee for Transsexual Performer of the Year.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: When you began performing, who did you decide to tell? Did you tell them before scenes or shoots started being released or later on? What was the conversation like? How did you broach it?

    Jesse Flores: Well I told my mom first. She told my dad eventually, I guess. (I wasn't there for that convo but it obviously wasn't a big deal.) I grew up a good kid, got excellent grades, graduated with honors, never did anything bad, didn't smoke, drink or do drugs, so when I said that I did porn after I'd been doing it awhile, it was no big deal to them, because if I was doing it, then it wasn't bad, I guess, because I don't do bad things. I'm very straightforward so I just casually said, "I do porn." I don't recall what my mom said after eight years, but it was probably something silly like, "Duh."

    Dylan Matthews: What was your family's reaction? Were your parents' responses different? Do you have siblings? If so, how did they respond? Were they supportive? If there were doubts, what kind? Were there religious concerns?

    Jesse Flores: I don't have any siblings, just my mom and dad. They were both fine with me doing porn. When it was discussed briefly, it was over quite quick and we moved on, because it was like I had said, "I'm gonna pierce my ear." I tell them about my awards and nominations and my mom enjoys my modeling part of the job. I show her some of my photos from my website — the clothed and topless ones only, of course — and she loves them, so obviously it's not a big deal in a negative way for my parents, only positive.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you lose any friends at the time? Did some friendships strengthen because people stuck by you? Did you find it easier to maintain friendships with people who were also performing?

    Jesse Flores: I don't have any friends so that question doesn't apply to me.

    Dylan Matthews: How did it affect your dating life when you began? Now? Were romantic partners more hesitant because you were in the business? Did or do you find it easier to date in the industry?

    Jesse Flores: I don't date anyone in the industry, I prefer outside of it only. Dating is hard but that's more because I'm a transsexual, and there's a lot of creeps who just want to use me for a sex fantasy. Being in the industry adds a little to that struggle because once I tell the guys I'm in the industry, their creep factor goes into overdrive, and they think it's okay to say or ask whatever now with no respect, and it's like, "Would you ask that to someone you met at the store or coffee shop?" No. So why is it okay to ask me that just because I do porn?

    So it does bring out even more creeps, sadly. But I'm straightforward so I don't hide what I do. If you want to date me, you have to be OK with what I do. I don't bring work home and keep the two separate, I just say, "I'm shooting on Friday," but I don't tell a boyfriend the details of the shoot. It's the only way to keep a normal life, and keep it from affecting my relationship.

    I had a good boyfriend once, but he had issues with my work, but they were self-made issues as he wanted to know details and was looking at what I did, and it just upset him. Eventually I got tired, sadly, of having to defend myself, as he knew what I did right from the start, and now wanted me to quit porn. But that's not fair, to make me stop just to date him, so I ended up dumping him, because, as I said, if you want to be my boyfriend, you have to be okay with what I do.

  12. Photo courtesy of Jiz Lee.

    Jiz lee

    Jiz Lee is an adult performer and producer with over 200 projects to their name, and the Online Marketing Director for Pink & White Productions, a queer themed adult production company. One of the few genderqueer performers in the industry, Jiz has received numerous Feminist Porn Awards, including a 2010 award for "Boundary Breaker" of the year. They are currently editing a book, titled How to Come Out Like a Pornstar, on balancing a career in the adult industry with relationships with one's family and friends.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: When you began performing, who did you decide to tell? Did you tell them before scenes or shoots started being released or later on? What was the conversation like? How did you broach it?

    Jiz Lee: I started performing in queer pornography in 2005 with my partner at the time, doing occasional films here and there for a few years. My co-stars were friends and lovers. I had recently moved on from my work in arts administration to a new job in web production for a company that produced porn. I had kept ties with my friends from college, the arts scene, and was making new ones in San Francisco’s adult and kink communities.

    I don’t recall talking much about my first shoot for The Crash Pad [a popular queer video series], or telling anyone about my plans to do it. When it released, it was a big hit, so there were magazine articles, but it wasn’t nearly as much of an online scene as it is today. And around that time, working in a few porn titles wasn't a large part of my life so I didn't really think much about it. (Believe it or not, I'm a bit of a quiet person so I wasn't necessarily broadcasting the news anyhow.) Sometimes friends would bring it up with me, but always in a positive light. The queer porn we were doing in San Francisco was seen as being a part of a legacy of dyke/trans porn that had been produced since the late 90’s-early 2000’s by and for our community, so it was regarded as something gutsy, but cool. Performers were also dancers at the Lusty Lady [a now-defunct unionized peep show business in San Francisco], drag kings, writers, singers, sex toy clerks, and LGBT activists.

    Dylan Matthews: What was your family's reaction? Were your parents' responses different? Do you have siblings? If so, how did they respond? Were they supportive? If there were doubts, what kind? Were there religious concerns?

    Jiz Lee: It wasn't until a career formed a few years later, and porn became a bigger part of my world, that I decided to tell people outside of my queer community: my family. Coming out as queer didn’t go very smoothly, so I was as hesitant telling them about porn as I had been about my sexual identity and I worried that they wouldn't accept me for the same reasons: that I'm not normal, that I'm being sinful, that I'm being taken advantage of or that something must have happened to me when I was younger to make me this way, that it will prevent me from finding a partner who will love me, and that ultimately, it will make my life harder and put me in danger. It was an interesting revelation to see how the two coming out scenarios had overlapping fears.

    My brother was one of the first people I came out to. As my closest sibling, he is the member of my family I feel the most comfortable with. He doesn't seem to have any issues with it, and at one point had considered working in the field as a videographer, asking me advice though his career has progressed in a different direction.

    My mother strongly identifies as a Christian and she and my grandmother are the only religious people in my family. With all the traveling, my grandmother thinks I'm a kind of rockstar, and my mother — who I had expected to be the most concerned about my having sex on camera — surprised me when I came out to her by saying, "A good Christian doesn't judge. It seems like you're being healthy and are happy." The only opposition I've really experienced is from my father's current girlfriend, who doesn't seem to see my experiences as valid, mostly due to what I believe are stereotypical ideas about sex work. I won't go into details, but it's created an uncomfortable rift in my relationship with my dad, but I'm optimistic that we'll continue to be close. It means a lot to me to be able to visit family and know that they love me.

    Despite concerns, my family was honest about their feelings and respectful of my decisions, and most importantly, open to listen. We're still working out some ongoing issues; when one "comes out" it doesn't necessarily mean the conversation happens once and is over. But I'm closer to them now than I've ever been, and I travel back home regularly to see them. I can share (some things) with my mother, my stepmother has proven to be one of my biggest allies, and my father is impressed by the academic ventures I've taken thanks to my experiences in porn. I spoke at Princeton most recently, an Ivy school I would have never been able to afford to attend, and my family was proud.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you lose any friends at the time? Did some friendships strengthen because people stuck by you? Did you find it easier to maintain friendships with people who were also performing?

    Jiz Lee: I didn't lose any friends, not that I recall. And I think that if we lost touch, it was because I changed jobs and became busy. I’m sort of a private person and usually only keep a few close friends and lots of acquaintances. Sometimes I find it easier to talk to other people in the adult business, and other times it’s nice to connect with friends outside the industry, so that I can take my mind off of work. But that’s common to most folks, regardless of what they do. The same thing used to happen to me when I was working as Assistant Director of an Aquatic Center, and then when I was the Executive Director of a non-profit Dance Organization, as it is now while I work in adult. I’ve always had friends who were supportive, fun and happy people, and the folks I’ve met within the adult industry are some of the smartest and caring people I know.

    Dylan Matthews: How did it affect your dating life when you began? Now? Were romantic partners more hesitant because you were in the business? Did/do you find it easier to date in the industry?

    Jiz Lee: I got into the business with my lover, and we were together and filming scenes for about four years after. We were also open though, so I did have other dating experiences, including another lover who I was with for about two years. She was also in the industry, though mostly behind the scenes as a videographer. Sometimes when I would go on a date with someone for the first time, they had an expectation of me being an easy yes, which I suppose goes with the territory – if you’re only seeing scenes where I’m saying yes, you don’t ever have the opinion that sometimes I say no. Currently, I have a partner of three years and we’re emotionally exclusive. I’m primarily using porn as my poly, which is convenient because it creates a designated time and place for me to play with friends and crushes.

    When I do have sex outside of my partner or porn, it’s almost always with other porn performers, because I feel safer in terms of safety around sexual health – most performers are tested twice a month and know their status, tend to be familiar with using barriers, and know how to communicate boundaries. My partner is not a performer, but works peripherally behind the scenes in wholesale and has been the most decent and supportive human being I’ve ever met. It can sometimes be hard to date a sex worker, and I know that I shouldn’t necessarily feel lucky, but it’s certainly something special.

  13. Photo by Zackary Canepari.

    Shy Love

    Shy Love (born Sheelagh Blumberg) is a former adult performer, director, and talent agent, with 395 acting titles and 17 directing titles to her credit. She was inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame last year. She is the founder of Money Love Success, a firm offering seminars and consulting services on financial planning, dating, and other topics. She is the author of three books: How to Land a Rich Man, How to Catch a Kitten, and How to Make Money in Adult Entertainment.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: What was the decision to get in, and how did you tell the people around you?

    Shy Love: When I got in at 22, I wasn’t like a lot of the 22-year-olds. I had already worked for a company that had been put on the NASDAQ. I had money. I did it for completely different reasons than most people. I did it because I was tired of the white picket fence, the husband, and all the rules I was supposed to follow. Go to college, get married, have kids — it just wasn't for me. When I entered in, I had already had two master’s, a bachelor’s, and an associate’s degree, so that was my transition in.

    It’s like any industry. It has its good and its bad. I came in very strong-minded and knowing exactly what I wanted to do, with no exceptions to the rules. Because I knew how to say no and I took this as a business, it was one of the best things I've ever done.

    Dylan Matthews: What was your introduction? Did you seek this out? Was someone you know interested and asked you if you were interested?

    Shy Love: I was actually scouted by Playboy. I was walking in a mall or down the street — I can't remember if it was the mall or the street — and they’re like, "Are you interested?"

    Dylan Matthews: Seriously? I didn't realize they still do that.

    Shy Love: They do!

    Dylan Matthews: Did you say yes on the spot? Did you have to think about it?

    Shy Love: I said, "Give me the card." I was always really this ugly duckling, so it was nice to get someone to think that I was something men would desire since I would have never thought that of myself, so I was intrigued by it. I said, "You know what, I'm bored, I'm tired, I want to do something different and outside my element." So I said, "I’ll call the person up."

    I was doing a test shoot, and then while I was doing the test shoot PlayboyTV was there too and they asked if I would rather do a show instead of being a Playmate. And I was like, "What's the difference in money?" since for me everything is about money, and it’s such a huge difference in pay that I said I’d take the TV show over the Playmate.

    Dylan Matthews: Was that similar in content or did they ask more of you for a video obligation like that?

    Shy Love: For the TV, you got paid for each episode that you were on and the show was aired twice a week. I was under contract with them for almost two years. If you're a Playmate, you get one check and then you get paid if they ask you to pose. So for me, it just made better sense to just go ahead and say, "I'm going to do the TV thing and if I don’t like it, I can not do it." And I loved it.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you have an agent at this point, or were you mostly working directly with Playboy?

    Shy Love: At first I did not have an agent, but after I went to an agency and the agent basically maintained my career for about five years, I would say, and then I opened up my own agency.

    Dylan Matthews: That's pretty rare, for an agency to be run by a former performer, let alone an active performer?

    Shy Love: Male performers have different titles. It’s very easy for them to become directors and open up production companies. Female performers don’t have that same luxury because unfortunately they don't use their intelligence in this business to their benefit. Right now there is one female performer who’s an agent, and she’s my best friend and I just helped her with that. But other than her now — I just helped her do that and she just started doing it 30 days ago — there are no female performers/agents at all. It was just me.

    Dylan Matthews: And you got out of that business a few years ago, right?

    Shy Love: I stopped performing about four or five years ago and stopped doing the agency side of the business in September of last year.

    Dylan Matthews: Just to circle back, your initial job was for these Playboy shows. How open were you about that? Did your close friends know? Did your parents know?

    Shy Love: My mom found out because I became a Hustler contract girl, and they were putting me on ads for their casino. I was on a really big ad. I’d never denied it but my mom knew something was up, and I gave her a heads up. Two days later Hustler put me on the cover of the magazine, and I’m like, "It’s more than what I told you."

    Dylan Matthews: How did she take it?

    Shy Love: My mom wasn’t for it but she wasn’t against it. Her view was, "You already went to college, you’re well spoken and well educated. It’s not like it’s the only path. If this is what you want to do, I want to know you’re safe about it." That's all she cared about, my safety and nothing else.

    Dylan Matthews: That's pretty progressive of her.

    Shy Love: It was totally the opposite from my father. She knew me. She knew that I didn’t make irrational, dumb, decisions, that for everything I do, there was an action plan for it. I saw that there was a business and took advantage of the situation and started directing, producing, becoming an agent, and now I write books helping people to make money in the adult industry, and I do seminars on it and I do consulting on it, as well as other things.

    Dylan Matthews: You mentioned it was different with your father. Did he have a more negative reaction?

    Shy Love: My dad gave me a negative reaction. I’m Jewish but my dad is a born-again Christian, so he was like, "God is never going to forgive you on these matters." My response was, "You’ve done a lot worse in your lifetime. At least I'm not doing anything to harm anyone. Just because you're born again doesn't mean you get to be judgmental."

    Dylan Matthews: Plus isn't the whole point of being born-again that God will forgive you for anything?

    Shy Love: Look, I'm thinking if I'm not committing adultery, and I'm not because my significant others knew what I was doing at the time, and I'm not hurting anyone or putting them in harm's way, then I don't think there's anything wrong with what we do.

    To be honest, with the girl from Duke, it’d be smart if a lot of the girls came into the industry and took the ability to not just become a performer but to take their knowledge and build up beyond that. Of course, as performers we all have an expiration date, but if we convert it into a business, there's no expiration dates to business.

    Dylan Matthews: Do you think that's changing at all? It seems like people like Nina Hartley have been able to make it work for several decades. Is that an anomaly?

    Shy Love: I can count on my hand how many girls actually are very well educated, very business-oriented, have achieved what they needed to do, and have made this an empire for themselves. I would probably say 5 percent of the girls within the industry.

    Dylan Matthews: Is that mostly that people don't choose that route? Is it harder being in the industry to make it as a director if you're a former female performer? Investors and the like: are they more reticent to work with you?

    Shy Love: I think it's because of the fact that the female performers come in and all they care about is the day-by-day check or working, and some become famous but the ones who become businesses is because they have that mindset. You have the A-caliber people, your Bs and your Cs, and your As are the ones that always consider business, business, business, no matter what. You can't change it. It’s embedded into their blood. So I think if a girl naturally has the instincts of business, she can make anything in this business happen.

    But there's not many of the girls that come in here and look at it like that. Other girls come in here, and they're 19 or 20 years old, and they don’t know what they want, they're not sure this is what they want, and they just want to make the extra money and have a good lifestyle, instead of taking that money and getting an education and building up their knowledge and seeing how they can prosper within it. It's not that the men in this industry say, "You can’t do it," it’s that these girls dumbify themselves so that the men don’t believe they can, so they don't get the opportunity. When I started, everyone was like, "Oh you're going to become a director? Whatever. You're going to do this? Whatever. There are tons of you girls and none of you do anything."

    Now all those same people are like, "I cannot believe the position you started off in and where you are now." And I've been lucky, since not only have I become a business within this business, but I became one of those people with power within this business to make regulations and to help make it better for future talent. So I’ve been blessed to have that kind of empowerment. There's not very many women that do.

    Dylan Matthews: These girls that come in at 18 or 19 and think, "I need to make a quick buck;" do you think, "it's unfortunate but it's their business," but is there more that studios and agents can be doing to encourage people to take a longer view?

    Shy Love: As an agent, I encourage girls to educate themselves, to do more, so they have that stepping stone to get to that next level. And in all the years I represented girls — and that was from 2003 until 2012 — in that whole time that I represented girls, I can count three or four girls who have actually went out of their way to learn and make this into a real business and do other things. It’s not that I didn’t try with the other ones, it’s just that some girls get it, and most do not.

    They look at it as, "I'm coming in, I’m buying all these purses and I’m overshopping," and they don’t realize that the longer you're in this business, unless you build this empire, you’re not going to have any of that in a few years. Which is why, nowadays the day of the star is gone, because only the big-name stars who started ten years ago and knew the concept of business actually took that to their advantage. The new girls coming in, they're more about the paycheck just to get through, and they're not really focusing on their future. That's what surprising about this Belle Knox situation, she’s like, "I’m going to take this and pay for my college education." This business, it's so easy to make money in it. It's just some girls don't take advantage of it.

    Dylan Matthews: Do you think she's handling it well, from what you've seen? What's been your reaction to this whole uproar?

    Shy Love: I understand that she’s frustrated with fellow students making fun of her and teasing her and calling her names. But in this business you know that’s going to be the repercussions of the choices you made. For her to get frustrated makes no sense on that particular matter at all. People have been judgmental toward me, but when they see the business aspect of me, most people don't even portray me as a porn star anymore. Once people see that you’re succeeding, people see you as more than that. You become an entrepreneur. I think in that way she needs to push that aside. She’s getting offended and affected by other people’s negativity instead of using that negativity to bring power and respect from it. In that respect, I think she's handling it wrong. But in the respect where she's handling the money and paying for her college education and still wants to be a lawyer, I think that's a smart move.

    Dylan Matthews: You did a movie with [gay porn director] Chi Chi LaRue, if I remember correctly. Did you notice, in that process or in your time in the industry, differences in the culture around straight versus gay porn? Was the way the male performers you saw on that side of things handled themselves noticeably different, or was it a similar kind of dynamic?

    Shy Love: The dynamics then and the dynamics now are different. The idea of crossover talent now is a big concern and liability that I’m not keen for. I've been there through the past few years where the crossover talent has had problems with diseases that aren’t controllable. When I shot for Chi Chi, we got tested two days prior to a scene, everything was with condoms, and there was never an ejaculation on me. There were all these different steps of precaution that Chi Chi took, and it's just different now.

    Dylan Matthews: To loop back just a bit, you had these differing reactions from your parents. Did most of your friends support you in this? How did you break it to them?

    Shy Love: I really didn't have friends. I had a set of associates. Now, I have a ton of friends in the business, and to be honest with you, every single person I’m associated with, they can’t understand how I did what I did. They're like, "You don’t seem to fit in, and mentally, you're just not in the same mentality as these people." I honestly think that most friends aren’t going to be judgmental if you’re being strategic about it, if you're making a business out of it.

    People become judgmental when girls get caught up in the lifestyle and they forget who they are and they become their alter ego, and then they’re stuck being a porn star from the morning to night and that’s all they know. If that's how you are, then of course people are going to be judgmental, because you’re portraying yourself merely as a girl who has sex but you have no other substance.

    I've been lucky in that none of my friends or business associates have any problem with the fact that I was in the business. It hasn't affected any of my business. I’ve published three books; it had no effect on my publishing. I’m doing consultations on dating, consultations on building businesses within the adult business. I've been working with people who have nothing to do with this business on other projects and none of these people have even said anything negative regarding the choices I made and that I used to be a porn star. I do think girls can do this without the negativity if they present themselves correctly.

    Dylan Matthews: I know you're married and fairly settled down now. How did this affect your dating life? How did you broach that on your first or second date with someone?

    Shy Love: A perfect example is my husband. He and I started dating when I was in porn. I told him, “I’m never going to give up my business for some guy.” He never was forceful but he said, “I cannot be serious with a girl who's in front of the camera.” One day I quit. He asked why? Was I not popular anymore? I laughed and said I retired. He asked why I didn't tell him, and I said, “I didn’t do it for you. I did it for me.” Next thing you know I’m engaged and married and have kids. You do have to stop performing to have that normal life. What man wants to know that his wife is sleeping with someone else?

    Dylan Matthews: You do hear about performers who date within the industry and claim to have gotten around those kinds of issues. What do you make of that as a practice? Did it work, in your experience?

    Shy Love: I’ve never dated male talent. It’s a business-oriented mindset. Financially, it's not someone I'm looking for. I need someone on the same level as me, but a lot of these guys and the girls, they start dating and the girl stops performing but the guy continues to perform and that becomes a hindrance in a relationship, or they’re so open and they're both doing it that they get tired of each other and they move on. There might be one or two, maybe three relationships that have been able to maneuver the whole way through. But they usually don’t last forever. I think you need, for a relationship to last, one kind of normal-mindset person, because you're already wild. You need someone to stabilize you there and give you a happy medium.

    Dylan Matthews: To keep you grounded.

    Shy Love: Exactly.

    Dylan Matthews: How has this affected you as a parent? Do you get judgey teachers, or parents or kids who give you shit about this, or have people been understanding and supportive?

    Shy Love: No one has ever said anything. Everyone’s been supportive. I’ve not involved my kids in that lifestyle. They go to nice Jewish schools and do what they’re supposed to do. I don’t have these conversations around them. People judge you based on the way you are with your kids. My kids do not know about my career choices, in the past or present.

  14. Photo courtesy of Michael Lucas.

    Michael Lucas

    Michael Lucas is an adult performer, director, and producer, and founder of Lucas Entertainment, one of the largest gay adult companies in the world. He has 132 performing credits and 161 directing credits to his name. He is a four-time GayVN award winner, and in 2009 was inducted into the GayVN Hall of Fame. Born in Russia, he began performing after moving to Germany in 1995, and moved to New York City in 1997; he currently splits his time between residences in Manhattan, Fire Island, and Tel Aviv, having attained Israeli citizenship in 2009.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: If I'm not wrong, your parents were still in Russia when you started performing in New York, right?

    Michael Lucas: Yeah, that's right. You should actually go to my website, MichaelLucas.com. You will see my biography. But yes, I was born in Russia, then I went to Europe, then I came to America in 1997, and I started the company in 1998. I worked in porn before, in Europe, and in America.

    Dylan Matthews: Did your parents know before you brought them to America? Did you have to tell them at some point? Did you warn them before you went into the industry? How was that decision made?

    Michael Lucas: It was not big breaking news. I told my mother, ""I always wanted to do something in front of the camera but you know, Hollywood never called. But still I managed to get into the erotica business,"" and my mother said, ""Even porn?"" And I said, ""Yep, I make porn."" And that was it. We talked about business with my father. We never talked discussed performance, you know, the models and movies themselves, but financial situations. My parents have been to my corporate offices. And so I was very open to them, and I was lucky that they do well. They were very educated, very open minded people and that's very helpful. I think it’s helpful that they are not religious.

    Dylan Matthews: So your parents are largely secular?

    Michael Lucas: My parents are secular. I mean, we’re Jews, obviously. [The Soviet Union] was a secular state back in the day, so we did not have a tradition of going to synagogues or any of that. You know? Now, in America, I do celebrate the holidays, going to friends, but I don't have faith. I don't believe in anything supernatural. I only believe in science.

    Dylan Matthews: Do you have a temple that you go to for high holy days or anything?

    Michael Lucas: No. I don't like any religious institutions. Not because I am against them, like some people are. My thing is that I just don't believe in it. In my opinion, it's stupid. That's all, it's ridiculous. For me, for me. It's much more difficult to live without believing in God. I envy people who believe in God. It's easier for them to live, and to lose their loved ones. I envy them, but not to the point of starting believing.

    Dylan Matthews: Were your siblings also broadly supportive?

    Michael Lucas: Yeah, I have my brother and my grandparents. Yeah absolutely, everybody knows what I do. My brother's very supportive. I mean, he's straight and he's married. We're very good friends, very close.

    Dylan Matthews: When you came out to your parents, was that difficult at all? It sounds like they're pretty accepting.

    Michael Lucas: It could be much worse. No parents want their children to be gay because of society, and they don't want their children to have more problems than is necessary. Nobody wishes their children to be gay. But once you know that your son is gay, then get over that! I graduated from law university in Moscow, of course they would prefer me to be a lawyer, but they also understand the circumstances: that I left Russia, that I had no money to study, and I needed to make money.

    Dylan Matthews: How about friends? You started in Europe. Were there any friends from home who you stayed in contact with?

    Michael Lucas: I do not keep in touch with Russia. I moved my family here as soon as I got my green card, and I don't like Russia, and so I never kept the contacts with Russia. Whoever I needed to move in — which is my parents and grandparents and my brother — I moved here so I would not have to travel there, and have them close. And that’s it. Done.

    Now I have some friends who moved from Russia to the United States, and to Europe — of course they know it. I never heard anything from them. There are no discussions, like whether it’s the right decision or wrong decision, whether it’s good what I do or not. I never remember debating it with anyone. And also living in New York City, I don’t have an issue with anybody.

    Back in the days, the reaction to ""I run an adult company"" was ""Oh great, I wish I would have your job."" Which sounds like to me like they believe it's just fun, fun, fun. Which it's not. It is a tough job. A lot of people don't understand that it's just business, business, business, just sitting in an office looking at the numbers. You're staring at the computer just like other people in corporate offices. I kind of get irritated when I hear that — “I wish that I would have your job” — because it's like, ""Do they really think that we're just sitting and jerking off?"" But I understand where they come from.

    Dylan Matthews: Right, they minimize the amount of effort involved.

    Michael Lucas: They have no clue, so that's why they have this question. But we're working so hard, running corporate offices with good numbers. I'm not a part of production department, which is awesome. The production department, they have to work with budgets, they have to create budgets, they have to create tons of shit. It's a lot of work, and not just on the set. It's not all that exciting. It's very demanding work for a job, where you can make mistakes, overspend, or not film on time, or overfilm, and you can put the entire company into financial trouble. We’re not just laughing all the way here. It’s not that we are having fun non-stop, and enjoying ourselves being in an erotic environment of hot bodies. That’s absolutely not so.

    Dylan Matthews: When you first went to Europe and then moved to New York City, what friends did you develop? Were they largely people who were also in this world?

    Michael Lucas: I've never had friends in the industry, maybe because I live in New York? But you know, I am very friendly with people in the industry. I have lots of friends, they don't have anything to do with the industry at all, and I'm very fortunate in having lots of friends, good friends. But no one in the industry. Mostly they are lawyers, doctors, journalists — I have an interesting crowd of people that I'm friends with. I have people in fashion who I'm friends with. But not in porn. Maybe because I don't live in LA. Who knows?

    Dylan Matthews: In terms of your husband and his family, was this an issue at all with your relationship getting started at all? Did his family react at all?

    Michael Lucas: No, there was never an issue. Look, it might've been an issue with somebody. I always went for people who would not have an issue with that. And that is easy to find. I was never worried about that. It was never an issue at all. I had four relationships. My second boyfriend's family, the parents themselves, never knew what I do. They knew that I was doing business, but not exactly what kind of business. They were older people and there was no point of telling them. But other than that, everybody knows, and everyone is fine with that. Never had a problem.

    And if someone would, he's not worth me. He doesn't love me enough. And I never would change for anyone. I would never change my job for anybody, that's ridiculous. I think that that's always a problem. It would never be a healthy relationship if you sacrifice something big for another person.

    Dylan Matthews: Because you always resent it.

    Michael Lucas: I've always lived in New York. It has so much to offer, so many interesting people. Very open-minded. And they also understand that this is just business.

    Dylan Matthews: So your political views (pro-Israel, ) seem to be shared by some people who might have a problem with your career. And I was wondering if, as you start to write more about these issues and be more vocal, whether that's been a tension that you've had to deal with?

    Michael Lucas: I'm trying to understand, you're asking about if I'm vocal about certain issues, political issues, if my job is in the way of it? What it is is because people know me and I have a certain platform, and I use this platform to speak about whatever that I want to speak about. If I were just a lawyer or a doctor, I would not have a position to speak about the things that I do. I am not the best writer so I would not be able to write for magazines; I am not the best speaker, so I wouldn't be able to speak at universities, as I do. My name is very well known in gay circles, so that's why I am doing a lot of other things than just porn.

    Dylan Matthews: Is there anything else in your life that we touched on that you wanted to say something more about before we wrapped up, or does that about cover it?

    Michael Lucas: I’m very close with my family, obviously. That’s why I brought them here. I live a very normal life. People are surprised. There’s sort of a stereotype, I think. You know, I go to bed by 11pm, 12pm. I never go to the clubs. I don’t remember when I was in the club last time. It doesn't interest me at all. Because I'm an adventurous person, I travel a lot. Just last year, I went to six countries, I traveled all over the Middle East. That's why I'm a writer for different debates, political debates and different universities, of course it's because I have a name.

    You know, when you have a name you can do whatever you want with it, that you can speak about anything you want. I am very grateful for porn, because without porn, if it would not be for porn I would not be known, I would not travel where I travel, I would not meet some of the people in my life, and I would not be able to do a lot of things. I would just me, you know, one of professionals hopefully, but a lot of the good things that I do, I wouldn’t have the platform to do, and I’m using it as a platform.

    Most of this stuff is online. You know, I have a funny Wikipedia page. I don’t know. I don’t know who are the people who’re editing that, but it’s always a fight. One week, there’s one piece of information, and another week, it’s another piece of information. People also always speculate about my political views and it’s so funny. Don’t believe anything you read unless it is my article. I am what I write in my articles. That’s my political views, that also evolve and change. You know, I've been in business for, oh God, over 15 years, since 1995. That's when I started in Europe, in the adult film industry. And I am performing and I'm producing.

    And I think it's an American dream story, what I lived. Because I really came to this country with nothing. Absolutely with nothing. I started twice, first when I came to Europe with nothing, and then I came here with basically nothing, and not knowing anybody. And I'm very proud, and I'm very grateful to America, because I could achieve so much more, much more than in Europe, and of course much more than in Russia. So I am very grateful to this country, and I'm very proud that I could use the opportunities here to create a really good life. I'm quite proud of that.

    And I'm very glad that at the significantly young age of 23, I made a decision to go to porn. It was a decision, and I'm proud that I made it because it's always difficult to decide to do it, for all the reasons that we talked about, and the concerns that you mentioned about dating and all of that. That was in my head when I was 23. I'm very happy that I made the decision, and as I said, I would never sacrifice. I know people that do sacrifice their careers, their adult careers for their boyfriends, and then they break up in a couple of years, in 3 years, in 4 years.

    They always use it as their reminder whenever something goes wrong. They always say, ""Well, I sacrificed my career for you."" That’s not healthy. It’s not healthy for both sides. You should not sacrifice anything, particularly your career, if it’s something you really love and are passionate about. There’s nobody worth sacrificing it, just because it’s incredibly selfish to ask to change your career because you disagree with it. I understand if you’re in relationship and suddenly decide to go into adult industry. That’s different. But if you’re in the adult industry and someone tells you, “You know what? I’m not comfortable, you have to change it.” I would cut this person off right away. I would never go with this person. I mean, how dare someone put such a burden on your shoulders? To change someone's career?

    And who knows, you might drop this person, you might break up very soon, and destroy someone's career that is going maybe very well, and he's passionate about. I would never be with such person, and I know a lot of people who actually sacrificed and regretted it. And it also spoiled their relationship, big time.

    So that's pretty much it. I'm close with my friends, I'm close with my family, and have lots of different things that I'm passionate about, which is great. I'm never bored. Never bored, never ever. I never find myself in a situation that I'm bored and don't know what to do. I never find myself in a situation that I am feeling lonely. I mean, I get lonely sometimes, but a lot of people complain constantly, particularly in my industry. You hear a lot of that. People complain that they are lonely. I never had this. Maybe because of the people that I surround myself with. New York, I drink the culture of New York. It's the city that I live in, which has so much stuff that I cannot understand how one can be lonely in New York city. I guess a lot of people will say, ""I live in the big city and I feel lonely."" I actually cannot understand how one can feel lonely here. There's so much to do, so much to see. It offers so much.

    I was sometimes bored when I lived in Germany, in Munich. It was a very slow, bourgeois life. But here, my God! I am a big opera fan. I go to opera a lot. That's great. There's New York City Opera, there's Metropolitan Opera. The amazing museums here, amazing exhibitions here. I love this city. I would never move anywhere, and I could make lots of money, much more money, if I would live in California, or in Florida, or in Nevada. Just the rent of my corporate office is $17,000 a month. I could have the same space, which is 5,000 square feet, in Fort Lauderdale, or in Nevada, for much, much less, for $3,000 probably, but I want to live here, in New York. So, that's worth losing a couple hundred thousands of dollars a year. To have employees here, you have to pay them much more than you will be paying in Florida. The space that we have is huge here. But you live one life, and I might as well just live where I like it more.

  15. Photo by Zackary Canepari.

    Chanel Preston

    Chanel Preston is an adult performer with 256 titles to her credit and the proprietor of Naked With Chanel, a sex education web series. She was the Penthouse Pet for March 2012 and won the 2014 AVN Award for Most Outrageous Sex Scene; she also cohosted the 2014 ceremony with Samantha Saint.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: When you began performing, who did you decide to tell?

    Chanel Preston: The only person who knew I was going to start performing was my boyfriend at the time.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you tell them before scenes or shoots started being released or later on?

    Chanel Preston: Well, my boyfriend and I had talked about me entering previous to me making the decision, but as far as my friends go I think it was quite a few months into performing. I'm sure none of my scenes had even been released yet.

    Dylan Matthews: What was the conversation like? How did you broach it?

    Chanel Preston: I just straight out told my friends what I was doing. Most of them were a little surprised, and probably a little concerned, but they didn't really say anything about it to me. I think once they saw I was getting pretty well known in the industry they were less concerned. I also was a stripper before getting into porn so it wasn't a complete blow to them that I transitioned into this industry.

    Dylan Matthews: What was your family's reaction? Were your parents' responses different? Do you have siblings? If so, how did they respond? Were they supportive? If there were doubts, what kind? Were there religious concerns?

    Chanel Preston: My family is not very religious so there wasn't an issue with that. I told both my parents, and I think my mom was a little grossed out by it, and my dad was very quiet, as I'm sure he found it to be pretty awkward. Both of them were a little concerned about it, but they know I am an adult and can choose what I do with my life. Neither of them have ever treated me any different because of what I do and have been supportive for the most part. I do have two older sister and, like most others, they were surprised but supportive.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you lose any friends at the time?

    Chanel Preston: I didn't have a problem with losing any friends. I've always had very open-minded people around me so I didn't have a problem with that.

    Dylan Matthews: Did some friendships strengthen because people stuck by you? Did you find it easier to maintain friendships with people who were also performing?

    Chanel Preston: Again, my friendships with people have never been affected by what I do so I have never had a problem maintaining friendships in or out of the industry.

    Dylan Matthews: How did it affect your dating life when you began?

    Chanel Preston: I was in a long-term relationship for the first year I was in the industry and he was very comfortable with it. Now? Now, it does affect my dating life since there are not many people comfortable with the idea of me running off to have sex with other people multiple times a week.

    Dylan Matthews: Were boyfriends and girlfriends more hesitant because you were in the business?

    Chanel Preston: At first they are not hesitant. It's not until they start getting stronger feelings for you that the hesitance begins.

    Dylan Matthews: Did/do you find it easier to date in the industry?

    Chanel Preston: I've only dated one person in the industry and he was actually more of a jealous person than you'd expect. I feel like that happens a lot, even within the industry, but everyone has had a different experience.

  16. Photo by Zackary Canepari.

    Tasha Reign

    Tasha Reign is an adult performer and director with 109 performing titles and three directing titles to her credit. She was the Penthouse Pet for May 2011, and has appeared several times in Playboy. Reign founded her own production company, Reign Productions, in 2012, and writes and directs most of its films. She is has written for OC Weekly, the Huffington Post, Rock Confidential, and Bro Bible, and served as a radio cohost for KX 93.5 FM in Laguna Beach, California. She was also a cast member for season three of the MTV reality show, Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County, while still in high school.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: When you began performing, who did you decide to tell? Did you tell them before scenes or shoots started being released or later on? What was the conversation like? How did you broach it?

    Tasha Reign: I told my close girlfriends and a guy I had been hooking up with for awhile that I was going to make the leap from stripping to adult movies. I told my mom I was going to do more Penthouse type stuff, which was a nice way of saying porn.

    No one seemed super shocked but asked me a lot if I was sure about the decision and "What I was going to do afterwards?" I told them before I was shooting. Some people I didn't tell at all, and they just found out on their own — aka online, watching porn. I wasn't too worried about it because I was really passionate about my new job and would actually send stills from the scenes to friends. I don't do that anymore … because it's creepy. LOL.

    Dylan Matthews: What was your family's reaction? Were your parents' responses different? Do you have siblings? If so, how did they respond? Were they supportive? If there were doubts, what kind? Were there religious concerns?

    Tasha Reign: My family is pretty conservative. My mom goes back and forth about whether or not it's something she supports. I think she tries her best, and that's all I can ask anyone to do, is to attempt to understand. My little sister was furious and still is. My older sister is really supportive and cool about it. One of my brothers was really ashamed, and the other was all about accepting me for me. It's really all over the place with their reactions.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you lose any friends at the time? Did some friendships strengthen because people stuck by you? Did you find it easier to maintain friendships with people who were also performing?

    Tasha Reign: Sure I did. I don't think it's solely due to becoming an adult actress, though. I think I have grown up and changed and evolved, and so have the friends I used to have. I am still very close with some of the girls and a few guys I grew up with. I would not say that adult entertainment strengthened my bonds initially with them, but now my best friend is closer than ever, and yes, I realize who my true relationships are with. I am friends with my coworkers, a few close ones, but I think the business makes for a competitive work environment, so it's easier to maintain more of a fun partying relationship with everyone. We can relate to one another and have lots in common. :)

    Dylan Matthews: How did it affect your dating life when you began? Now? Were boyfriends and girlfriends more hesitant because you were in the business? Did/do you find it easier to date in the industry?

    Tasha Reign: I was casually dating people before porn, so when I started in adult, I continued to do so. I then got into a serious relationship about 6 months in with someone in the business, which was amazing and fun. I have been single and partying for two years now and just started to date someone outside the business. He never really brings up work, but I told him if it got serious maybe I would only do girls ... I'm not sure though! Dating in or out of the business is challenging for different reasons, and ultimately while you are performing, for the most part, men don't want you with other men. That's probably why I am not ready to settle down … they call it settling for a reason, right?

  17. Photo by Zackary Canepari.

    Stoya

    Stoya is an adult performer with 53 credits to date. She is in the process of directing her first film. She has won three AVN Awards, including the 2009 award for Best New Starlet. She is also a freelance writer and has contributed to Vice, Esquire, The Guardian, and the New York Times.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: What was your initial attitude toward telling your parents and close friends? How did that evolve as you really got going?

    Stoya: When I first started, I was only doing nude photographs, so it’s still the kind of thing that might upset your grandmother, and you don’t want to have a loud conversation about it when there are people with small children around, but it’s so far away from hardcore pornography. And my social group and my friends and acquaintances were all pretty open and pretty artsy and pretty explorative when it came to sex. So it wasn’t really a big deal. It was like, “Hey, what did you do last week? “Oh, I took these pictures with my boobs out!” “You have fun?” “Yeah!”

    And my parents, they had different reactions, but the core of it for both of them was, “You’re our child, we love you, typically when you make a decision you have thought about it somewhat, and you consistently deal with the ramifications of whatever you choose to do. Are you on drugs? Are you being forced to do it? No? Then cool.” My mom was unhappy with the whole performance of stereotypical femininity. That was a little hard for her to swallow. She was like, “Really? With the fake eyelashes?”

    Dylan Matthews: Did it help that you were doing alt-y stuff early on? Girls and guys with tattoos, not sort of people with lots of implants and what people's perceptions of porn might have been at the time?

    Stoya: With my mother, not really at all, because at the time — this was before people found out that the woman who was supposedly running SuicideGirls actually wasn’t in charge of it, and it was owned by a man. There was a common view at the time that porn was especially empowering and I remember my mom sitting there going, "I guess doing things that you want to do can be empowering but there’s nothing inherently empowering about showing up in front of a camera with your nipples out. That’s as empowering as brushing your teeth."

    She was concerned that I was drinking the Kool Aid, that I was thinking, "Yeah, because I’m not tan and don’t have big boobs, this must be an act of feminism or something!"

    It didn’t really help at all. It led to further conversations. It helped me understand her perspective and I think talking about it helped her understand my perspective, and it was good for our relationship, but it didn't help her feel better about it.

    Dylan Matthews: And your dad?

    Stoya: First of all, after that one time with the Huffington Post he’s asked me to remember that not everyone has chosen to live their lives in public, so I'll tread very carefully here. No jokes at all here, especially if they might go viral.

    My dad’s view is, on the one hand, I’m an adult and he has to trust that he has done his job raising me and that my mom has done her job raising me and I can go navigate the world and make my own mistakes and make my own decisions and just because someone might think it’s a mistake or he might think it’s a mistake does not in any way mean it necessarily is. That’s what you do with children. You raise them, and then you have to take your hands off and go, “Okay, you live your life now.” He does always seem to have this squeamishness about it where he’s genuinely interested in how my life is going and if my career is going well but at the same time doesn’t really don’t want to hear any details or discuss details. It’s like, “Oh, how are you?” “Well, lalalalala …”

    Dylan Matthews: Were your parents together when you started doing this, or were they separated? Did that affect things at all?

    Stoya: They started getting separated when I was in my early teens, and they took a very long time to actually get separated and then to start the divorce process. By the time I was an adult, I don’t know if they were technically divorced yet, I think they might have been, but they had had separate residences and I had been very independent for a few years. I don't know how to answer your question there.

    Dylan Matthews: I was just curious. With the people I've talked to, when there's a uniform reaction it's because the parents are still a unit. It seemed like it was sometimes helpful to have one parent that was cool with it to balance against someone who's more judgey.

    Stoya: I wonder if it’s something like, if one partner really likes ketchup and the other one doesn’t like ketchup at all, then that’s not really a thing, but if one partner believes certain intense, important, core things and the other one doesn’t, then I’d guess that would not only inform their later reactions to something like that, but that would probably contribute to a relationship not being permanent. So it's interesting.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you have any siblings growing up? Did they have any interesting reactions?

    Stoya: I’m an only child and then my dad’s wife has two children: a son who’s a year younger than I am and a daughter who’s a year older. I was like 20 and she was 21 and he was 19 and I feel like boys at that age are just generally pretty awkward anyway. And I at 20 was just self-absorbed and obtuse and myopic like most 20-year-olds are — at least I’d like to think they are. And I didn’t even pay enough attention to see how much discomfort was because he knew I’m naked on the internet and how much was that I’m a strange female.

    My stepsister, at one point I lived on 18th and Lexington in Manhattan and she lived two blocks either north or south on Park. We were right in the same neighborhood, we both live in New York, we’re the same age, and we like never crossed paths. We’d be like, “How’s it going?" “Oh, I’m doing this in Brooklyn.” “Oh, what part of Brooklyn?” And I’m going to Bushwick and she’s going to Park Slope. We’re just so different. She was an English major and I’m like, “Oh, you’re an English major! I do porn. And I wear stilettos. And run around in one end of Brooklyn and you wear ballet flats and neutral sweater sets.” There’s just a sense of being animals at the zoo. “You’re so interesting! In a way that is completely alien to me!” Two completely different worlds. I'm sure the fact that I was an adult performer added an interesting new layer but it's two step-siblings, with nothing in common, thrown together by the love of their parents, which is a completely normal story.

    Dylan Matthews: You mentioned you had an artsy group around you when you started taking photos. Did the reaction change at all as you moved from photo shoots to more hardcore stuff? Did that transition effect your relationship with your parents? Was doing that stuff a significant move the way doing modeling was in the first place?

    Stoya: I kind of tip-toed into it. It was, “Oh I posed nude and then there’s this offer for this shoot and they want to see spread shots. Well how do I feel about spread shots? I’m cool with spread shots. How do I feel about putting things inside of myself on camera? For still photographs? And then it turned into a very softcore scene on video with a girl, and there was pussy eating and maybe a finger or two, but nothing really aggressive or acrobatic or theatrical or anything like that.

    And then it was the contract with the couples-oriented hardcore studio, but the content of the scenes, as compared to the broad spectrum of adult material out there, was very romantic and the performances get edited down to make sure that they’re not going to ruffle too many feathers. It’s this slow, “Well how do I feel about this? I think I feel okay about this” or “How do I feel about that? I am not ready for that.” Or “No way in hell ever!” Because of the process it was less jarring than, “Hey, guess what I’m doing for a living now! In the butt!”

    Dylan Matthews: Is there anything you still think is beyond what you'd consider? You've done some pretty intense stuff. Are there still things that are beyond what you'd consider?

    Stoya: I would never consider doing scenes where the people involved can’t consent. Consent is a huge thing for me. I’m almost afraid to say this because I feel like it’s going to be one of those moments where I say something and then it indicates just how weird I am, but bestiality, I am not okay with. I am 100 percent not okay with that, nor will I ever be. But for most of the world, there is never even a question that a video involving sex with a frog or something would possibly be offered. Stuff like that is where my line is.

    Then there’s things like a gang bang. A couple of years ago Bruce LaBruce asked me in an interview how I felt about gang bangs and I’m like, “Ugh, ew, I really don’t think so. First of all, it just seems like asking for gonorrhea in your throat.” Sometime this week I saw on Twitter that Jiz Lee was having a conversation about how we need a variety of words for “gang bang” because like, “service orgy” — that sounds exciting! “Pleasure pile”? Yeah, I’m down for that! It’s just something about, and I can’t quite put my finger on why, but something about calling it a gangbang has this connotation when I’m like “ick.” But for the exact same thing, which is one person having sex with a bunch of other people while they’re the focus or the center of it, calling it a “pleasure pile” sounds awesome.

    Dylan Matthews: Right, and "gang bang" also implies, if not a lack of consent, then a scenario of a lack of consent, which gives it a different connotation.

    Stoya: I love to play with fire, metaphorically. When I started performing, after a couple of months I was already like, “What are DPs about? That sounds like fun! Maybe I want to do one!” And my significant other and I, we have a certain level of trust where we can get up to all sorts of wacky crazy stuff, but there’s something about all of the factors — the connotation of non-consent, and performance of a scenario in which there is no consent, even though there actually is and limits are addressed beforehand. Maybe it's just the people. Maybe it’s just that I can’t imagine finding eight people or something where I would be comfortable in a scenario like that.

    Dylan Matthews: Especially eight dudes.

    Stoya: Yeah, eight dudes off the top of my head where I’d be like, “Yeah, let’s get rough and violent!” Maybe it’s just all those factors together. It's just not my thing.

    Dylan Matthews: You're obviously in a really high-profile relationship [with fellow porn star James Deen] at the moment, but when you got into modeling, were you seeing someone? Did it affect that? I've gotten 50-50 responses of "Yes, dating in the industry makes all the sense in the world because you have this common understanding" versus "No, it's the worst idea in the world, I can't imagine why anyone does it." I know where you come down on that, but I'd be interested to hear about the reasons and how you thought about it in your time in the industry.

    Stoya: When I was like 17/18/19, it was one of those out of the mouths of babes moments of brilliance, where in retrospect I was obviously full of shit and wasn’t consciously thinking about it, but I happened to do a thing accidentally that I think was a very good thing. I just wasn’t interested in cultivating long-term romantic relationships at the time. I was like, “I’m not done! I’ve just started! I’ve just begun being an adult and running around! I don’t have time!”

    And then when I started doing nude modeling, I also had a regular job. It wasn’t like a desk job — I was someone’s personal assistant — but I had a solid 35-45 hours of work every week that had to get done and then the nude modeling that had to be put in there. I was just juggling so much stuff that I was like, “I'm not going to make time to go meet your parents when we’re, like, 19 and we don’t even know who we’re going to be as people yet.”

    And then I was just so freaking busy. Even before we bring the layers of natural human jealousy and insecurity and the cultural structures of monogamy as default, and masculinity being threatened by the idea of “sharing your woman” or whatever, how are you supposed to have a relationship when you live in, say, Philadelphia or New York and once a month you go out to Los Angeles for four days to two weeks to film and then you’re getting shipped to to Berlin and Australia and Alaska and Texas and just ping ponging all over the place?

    If you really want it, and you’re really going to put in work, you can do it, but it’s difficult to maintain a relationship when you’re not on the same schedule at all, you don’t get weekends and you’re constantly ping ponging around all over the place out of town. So I just didn’t really do that. And then I had, I guess you could call them boyfriends, and I had people that I would have sex with that were also friends, and there were varying degrees of that sort of relationship, but it was always like, “This isn’t permanent, you’re not my priority.” And because I was young and awkward and kind of a bitch and very blunt at times, I probably did a very poor job at points of maintaining the balance and letting people know, “Hey, I like you, I just can’t commit to being around regularly and stuff.” I probably bruised some hearts, which I feel bad about, possibly damaged some egos.

    And then when you find that one person who’s absolutely freaking incredible and they match and they work and you’re already good friends and all of a sudden both of you are pretty much single and you ask, “Hey, do you want to start hanging out more seriously?” — you go for it! And then suddenly he has all of your shoes in his house in Los Angeles and you have four cats and you keep saying you’re a New Yorker but you’re not in New York very often.

    Dylan Matthews: One response I've been sort of surprised by in talking to people about the Belle Knox thing is that at least a few performers were saying, "The minute you go in you have to assume that everyone you know is going to see everything you're going to do; why was this girl not prepared for that?" Just as advice, what would you say to someone who's getting in about that? Would it be that harsh?

    Stoya: For someone who is thinking about getting into the adult industry, what you need to understand is no matter how wrong or closed-minded it is, the reality is that there are parts of the world that think that sex workers, or specifically adult performers, are horrible people that are not even worth the same as normal people. They literally believe that we are worth less, or that we are not actually real people.

    And unfortunately that section of the world tends to be one of the more vocal, especially in anonymous comment sections, and they’re not going to be nice at all. You have to come to terms with that, because it might just be a couple people once a month or two dropping by your Twitter where they’re easily blocked to say, “Jesus hates you and you should burn in hell!” Or it could be a giant storm of media where people go after your family and physically threaten you and all that, and you can’t know which way it’s going to go and you have to be prepared for that.

    But it’s kind of horrible to say that. The idea of sitting down an 18-year-old person, who’s still curious and wide-eyed and has big dreams and believes the best in people and saying, “Okay sunshine, I just want to make sure you understand that the world is shit. Yes, there are some really great people but you’re going to have to struggle hard to find them. You’re going to get judged, you’re going to be threatened, you’re going to be called horrible things, and you will be looked at as though you are subhuman.”

    That’s horrible! I don’t want to say that to a person who’s essentially a kid! It’s the worst thing ever! “Oh, are you full of hope? Let me just pee all over it and then leave it in a dark corner to mold and mildew.”

    Dylan Matthews: Yeah. There was a storytelling thing I was listening to the other day where a dad was explaining how he talked to his kid, who's like 12, when he found him watching porn for the first time. And the first thing he says is, "I'm not going to tell you to not do anything, just remember that the internet hates women." Which I thought was a great way of phrasing it. "You can do this, but understand there are parts of the internet that really despise women and think of them as less than human, and in particular think of these women as less than human."

    Stoya: Yeah. It also gets tricky because unlike people of color or homosexuals we’ve opted into publicly displaying things that are going to upset people. We’re not technically marginalized. So from the trying-not-to-be-an-asshole perspective, well, I don’t agree that she was asking for it. I don’t agree with the victim-blaming. But at the same time, you can’t compare it to the marginalization of people based on things that they can’t hide. But then it’s also horrible to say, "You don’t want people to hate you, then you should hide these things about yourself." It’s very complex. I don't know what to think.

    Dylan Matthews: Yeah, I don't think anyone does, which is why we're talking about it still.

    Stoya: I'm part of the conversation! Yay!

    Dylan Matthews: We're relevant! That touches on most of what I wanted to get at, but is there anything else you want to add?

    Stoya: I have a funny anecdote about my grandma, whose name I used.

    My grandma’s maiden name is Stojadinović, and she used to use “Stoya” to sign her paintings in college, and I decided to use it as my stage name. Eventually it got to the point where it was like, "Aw, I just did a media-heavy convention, and I was in front of the G4 cameras, and I gave a quote to the Wall Street Journal about whether I’m concerned about high-definition video, so this is now becoming a thing where I kind of have to tell my grandma because of Murphy’s Law of Inappropriate Behavior. If I don’t tell her, she’s going to stumble on it."

    So I called her:

    Stoya: Hey grandma! How are you?

    Grandma: Good, how are you? What are you doing for a living? Because your mother says you’re "kind of like a model," and she wouldn’t say "kind of" if you were, and, no offense honey, but you’re a bit short.

    Stoya: You know like Bettie Page, right?

    Grandma: Yes!

    Stoya: I do stuff like that except, because everybody runs around in skimpy clothing now, I do the modern version, where I have sex with people on video.

    Grandma: Oh, you’re a nudie girl in the moving pictures!

    Stoya: Yes I am.

    So I'm thinking, "Sweet, we’re doing good."

    Grandma: Do you enjoy it?

    Stoya: Yes!

    Grandma: Lovely!

    Stoya: Okay, I’ve got to tell you another thing.

    Grandma: Okay.

    Stoya: Well, I’m using your name.

    Grandma: Oooh. Vera? That’s not very sexy.

    Stoya: Well actually, if I was going for pin-up, that would actually be a fantastic name, but I’m using "Stoya."

    Grandma: Ooooh no.

    And I’m like, "Fuck, we were going so well!"

    Stoya: What’s wrong?

    Grandma: I hope that no one at the nursing home gets us confused and tries to put my feet behind my head, because I don’t bend that way anymore.

    Which says so many things. She was completely aware of what adult entertainment is. Otherwise how would she know that we end up contorted in these bizarre open-to-the-camera, keep-your-face-in-the-light yoga positions?

    She has a goatee because she’s Serbian. And I know that that’s in my future. I said to her one time, "I don’t mean to presume that you want to remove the hair on your face but if you did, I’m kind of an expert in hair-removal tactics." And she doesn’t care, because she says the boys at the home are so blind that they don’t even know she has a goatee until it’s too late, because they’re already kissing her. She’s so badass. I want to be her when I grow up.

  18. Photo courtesy of Farrell Timlake.

    Farrell Timlake

    Farrell Timlake (stage name Tim Lake) is a former adult performer and director with 193 performing titles and 34 directing credits to his name. He purchased Homegrown Video, the first company to commercially release homemade amateur porn, in 1993 and proceeded to greatly expand it. The firm has won 11 AVN Awards so far. He worked on the film Orgazmo with Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park fame, and was inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame in 2009.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: When you began performing, who did you decide to tell? Did you tell them before scenes or shoots started being released or later on? What was the conversation like? How did you broach it?

    Farrell Timlake: When I began performing I knew I would have to have the conversation with my mother, My father had already passed, so he wasn't an issue. I prepared myself for what I would say but not when I would say it. However, one day my mother mentioned that her neighbor thought he saw me on TV ... when he was staying at a hotel on a trip. I knew what that meant. I spent the next 24 hours preparing for the speech.

    I called her the next day. I will not deny the palm being perhaps a bit cold and sweaty as I held the phone in my hand.

    "Mom, I have some things to tell you."

    Knowing my penchant for, let's just say, walking on the wild side, I am sure she had to brace herself with a few steel girders.

    "I do porn. I just got busted for weed, and the wife's pregnant."

    There was a pause long as the day is solstice short.

    "Sue's pregnant?!"

    It took her about another two days before she circled back around to ask me about porn and weed. A few months later she was bragging to her blue blood Connecticut country club friends about it. A year later she was the lone investor to help me purchase Homegrown Video out of a bankruptcy.

    Dylan Matthews: What was your family's reaction? Were your parents' responses different? Do you have siblings? If so, how did they respond? Were they supportive? If there were doubts, what kind? Were there religious concerns?

    Farrell Timlake: My mother, oddly enough, was easier on me about it than my brother. He did not approve. Moreover, his Stanford-educated frat brothers did not approve either. I might as well have tattooed a big gothic "L" for loser on my forehead. But then I started making money with a cheap Hi-8 video camera, and I was making videos for Porn Valley video companies. His Exeter and Stanford education had led him to a San Francisco parking lot valeting cars for rich d-bags driving Beemers. Suddenly the job offer to come help me run a porn company didn't seem so bad. Eventually, he even shot one video just to say he had done it.

    Dylan Matthews: Did you lose any friends at the time? Did some friendships strengthen because people stuck by you? Did you find it easier to maintain friendships with people who were also performing?

    Farrell Timlake: The moment I told all my friends was interesting just because I had no idea what to expect. The first reaction was almost overwhelmingly negative, with one notable exception: my friend from Westport, CT who grew up next to Martha Stewart was totally cool with it. However, a day or so later many had not only warmed to the idea, but were even asking me what my hottest scenes were so they could check them out. Eventually, every one of my friends at the time came to realize that I was still the same person inside, still their friend, and crazy was normal for people like me. Decades later these are still my friends through and throughout any of the off-beat paths my life has taken.

    Dylan Matthews: How did it affect your dating life when you began? Now? Were boyfriends and girlfriends more hesitant because you were in the business? Did/do you find it easier to date in the industry?

    Farrell Timlake: I was married when I got into the industry. She was part of the initial inspiration for getting into the business. We saw it as a way to see more Grateful Dead by concerts doing something we loved to do anyway. We spent two years preparing for being in the biz, mentally, spiritually, physically, so when the going got weird, we turned pro and dealt with it, no problem.

  19. Photo courtesy of Christopher Zeischegg.

    Danny Wylde

    Danny Wylde (born Christopher Zeischegg) is a former adult performer with 326 titles to his credit. He recently left the industry and now works for Stockroom.com, the largest producer of bondage equipment in the world. He also contributes to Nerve.com and performs as half of the synthetic metal band Chiildren.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: What are you spending most of your time on these days?

    Danny Wylde: I work for a company called Stockroom, which sells sex toys and fetish apparel, things like this. And I'm on their creative team, so I do video production. This is a relatively new job, so not a lot of stuff is out yet. I quit in October and have been doing adult freelance production work until, actually, this week.

    Dylan Matthews: Sweet. Well, congratulations.

    Danny Wylde: Thank you.

    Dylan Matthews: What was your thought process like when you were going into it, in terms of who you were going to tell? I imagine there were close friends who you told, but at what point did you decide to tell your parents? At what point did you tell whatever romantic partners you had? What was that thought process like for you?

    Danny Wylde: The first thing I ever did was for Kink.com, and it was kind of a niche fetish scene. It was a femdom scenario, so I was getting tied up and kind of whipped by women, and so forth. I thought, in my head, that this was going to be a one-time experience where I’d make a little bit of money and have this weird story to tell. And it didn't occur to me that my parents might even find out about it, because I thought, even if my father or mother happens to be on a porn site, the likelihood that they’ll come across this weird fetish thing is pretty unlikely.

    So I did tell some close friends, and we all had a laugh about it, and I thought that was it, until I got hired the second time. I didn't really decide to tell my parents until, let’s see … I met my first girlfriend through the industry. And when that started to become a somewhat serious relationship, I thought, "I need to tell my parents," because if I want to introduce her to my parents they are eventually gonna ask "What do you do?," and thats going to entail going into what I'm doing.

    It was a little bit easy to hide in the beginning because I was in school so it's not like they need to know what type of job I have. I could say that I have a part-time job somewhere, which was true. It just happened to be porn. So, I called my mother up on the phone. She was not happy about it, but she thought that it was the sort of exploration that I needed to do at the moment. I don't think that she thought that it was going to turn into a career for me, either. My father's response was a little more flat and I didn't really know what he thought until many years later. I think that he was mostly concerned about health risks, like STI's and so forth, but none of them ever cut me off or anything like that. We still have pretty good relationships.

    Dylan Matthews: Do you have any siblings?

    Danny Wylde: I actually do have a lot of siblings. One that's from both my parents and then … I think it's 12 altogether? My parents have been married a lot of times and have taken on a lot of step- and half-kids. I mean, no one has been that weird about it, to be honest. It's not something that I talk about in great detail with my siblings. Some of them joke about it a little bit.

    I think that the worst stuff that they would tell me is things like, "My friend keeps watching your porn and telling me how cool it is that you get to fuck all these hot girls, and it's really obnoxious.” Or, “I was watching porn and came across you, and I never want to do that again."

    Dylan Matthews: But they feel comfortable admitting that they watch porn and talking to you about that, even if it's like, "I don't want to see my half-brother there"?

    Danny Wylde: I have two brothers that I talked to about it the most, which is still not in that great detail, and they seem fine talking about it. My sisters haven't mentioned ever seeing me. One of my sisters is a lesbian. I don't think watches straight porn anyway. Some have religious affiliations which would prevent them from admitting it, who I just don't talk to about it at all.

    Dylan Matthews: In terms of your friends…A lot of people I've talked to have said they were in kind of an artsy, exploratory scene where it was very comfortable to do porn. It sounds like you were in San Francisco, if you started at Kink. You said your friends were initially supportive of it, but how did that change for you when it became more of a full time thing? Did your friend groups start overlapping with your colleagues? Did people stay supportive?

    Danny Wylde: I was actually a student at Santa Cruz at the time, so it was very close to San Francisco. It's easy to commute there. In the beginning it was only like once every week, or every other week, and then there was that relationship that I was talking about, the first girlfriend that I had in the industry. She was also a performer. She introduced me to people in Los Angeles, and it became a full time gig. I moved down here in 2006 or something like that. You're asking about whether I had support from my colleagues as far as porn goes?

    Dylan Matthews: Well, obviously I assume you have support from your colleagues! I'm in a very different industry, but I know a lot of journalists who have non-journalist friends but start being reporters and then start only hanging out with reporters because they understand the scene and what the life is like. So I was wondering if there's some of that dynamic, especially if you're moving halfway across the state.

    Danny Wylde: Yeah, sort of. The first year I took off [school] and came down here, I primarily hung out with my girlfriend and her friends, and she had a lot of friends who weren't in the industry. When I got in, the thing that made me think it could be a gig that I could be somewhat proud of was this alt-porn scene. You know what that is?

    Dylan Matthews: Right, of course.

    Danny Wylde: I grew up in the hardcore and metal scene, so the fact that there is that subculture associated with porn seemed kind of interesting to me. So I met some people through that scene, friends that I could hang out with occasionally, and my girlfriend was kind of a part of that at the time, and there's some directors and so forth. So there's a little community there.

    Then the year after, I think it was 2007, I started up school again [at the University of Southern California] as a full time student and had this contract with a company which meant that I only had to work like six times a month. So, even though I was in porn and that was my only source of income, most of the time I was hanging around students who had nothing to do with pornography. And this was in film school, so it's a pretty heavy workload. We were doing production stuff on the weekends. That was my primary social group, until that ended. I guess it's true that most of the people that I know in LA are from porn, or school, I suppose.

    Dylan Matthews: It's interesting that you say that alt seems somewhat different. Is there a scene around queer porn, or people like Jiz [Lee] and Tristan [Taormino] and the feminist wing of the industry, that feels somewhat distinct? It does seem like recently there have been more avowedly queer or feminist directors. Is that a sort of distinct scene?

    Danny Wylde: I think that there are definitely these cliques in porn. You've got the feminist and queer cliques, which seem to overlap quite a bit, because of their sensibility, or just the fact that whatever movie is being made, they often find themselves on the same sets. Because this stuff is more politically inclined, just because of the nature of it, you find yourself on panels or talking at conferences with those people, or you're both a part of some book or something. When people want to like talk about porn from a cultural perspective, they seem to be interested in ideas like feminist porn. So, I think that, that kind of defines those groups. You wind up seeing more people like that.

    If you're more in mainstream porn, or, I don't know, work on big features a lot, for like Wicked or something like that, you probably have those people. And then there's a lot of stuff in between. I feel like I've been able to walk through a lot of those paths, just because I became a fairly standard, normal mainstream performer who also did feminist porn here and there, and worked for Kink.com, even did some queer stuff. But there are little subgroups of people that actually do form their own social circles.

    Dylan Matthews: You didn't feel like there are barriers to you something between one or the other? It wasn't like the mainstream studios saw that you did queer porn and thought, "We don't want this guy anymore"?

    Danny Wylde: Well, yes, there were some barriers when you talk about men having sex with other men. You can talk about being dominated by a woman or fucked in the ass by a woman as queer in some sense because it goes against some sort of idea of heteronormativity. But there is a fear in straight porn, whether valid or not, due to differentials between testing regularly and not using condoms in straight porn (even though that's starting to change a little bit) and not testing in gay porn and using condoms (which is also starting to change a little bit). And the idea amongst a lot of straight porn performers and agents and directors is that if you have sex with men on camera, you are at this great risk of disseminating HIV among the talent pool.

    I was actually outed by my old agent after he found some videos of me sucking cock. He wrote to every agent in the industry saying that I was this risk for HIV — this was shortly after one of the moratoriums that followed an HIV exposure incident.

    I was pretty scared at the time, because it was my only source of income, and it could have been cut off very quickly. I kind of stopped doing that stuff right then and there because I thought that this would destroy my career, if I continued to be openly bisexual or whatever you want to call it. It’s actually not very safe to do straight porn and also have sex with men openly.

    Dylan Matthews: Yeah, that certainly jibes with my experience being bi in non-performing life. Distressing, but not too surprising that it's the same there.

    The last thing I wanted to ask about: you mentioned that your serious girlfriend was in the industry, and I think I've read other interviews where you've mentioned other girlfriends in the industry. What do you make of that as a dynamic? Does it make sense, since you have these similar values and schedules, and can both understand what the other is doing, or are there attendant problems that you didn't anticipate when you're both performing?

    Danny Wylde: While in the industry, I've only dated people in the industry. For a good reason; it's very difficult to do otherwise. My sexual experiences while in the industry with people outside of the industry often felt like I was a novelty or something like that because I was in porn. Like, "Well you better be really great in the sack and be awesome because you fuck for a living," or something like that. So I kind of just stopped with that, and at some point I didn't really want to have sex with people who weren't also performers.

    It's not like your life is that much different, but your ideas around sex and jealousy and what constitutes monogamy, I think, start to change when you’re in the industry. A lot of people outside the industry, it’s very hard for them to understand that — or at least, even if they intellectually understand it, to go along with it and emotionally understand that.

    I had a friend who start dating a performer and he was not a performer and he wanted to go out and fuck other people too, and it became this weird dynamic. It’s not the same thing — to me, and to his girlfriend at the time. We were going to work and having sex, which is sometimes fun and sometimes not. Whereas going out and having this connection with another person for fun is a completely different dynamic, and it's hard to get into that in the context of this interview but I think it's a lot easier to be like, "Okay you already do this, you sort of get it." Even though our ideas for what this is might differ a little, it's like we're both doing the same thing.

    Dylan Matthews: Got it. That makes sense. Does it complicate working together professionally? Is it hard to differentiate what's your private, emotional relationship and your sex life from when you're doing it for a scene or something?

    Danny Wylde: With my relationship that have transpired on camera, I think it's easier to work together at the beginning of your relationship, when you're in this honeymoon phase, because everything's great all the time.

    Once you're more into the relationship part of it, there are parts of your relationship that are not always fun. Say you plan this scene that you're going to do later in the week, and then you get in a fight, or you bring this kind of emotional baggage from home. That can get in the way, especially because what's happening on set is not intimate at all. So if you haven't already dealt with whatever baggage you're bringing to set, I feel like that can really get the way of what's happening.

    Whereas if you're just fucking someone, you're clearly just interacting with their body, even if you're friends with the person. I felt that after six months or a year or so, I no longer wanted to perform with my partner on camera because there's so many other things that could come into the mix that just didn't make it fun, or could actually make it harder to do than with a complete stranger.

  20. Photo courtesy of Madison Young.

    Madison Young

    Madison Young is an adult performer and director and the founder of the Femina Potens Art Gallery, an art gallery in San Francisco devoted to showcasing work by female, trans, and queer artists. She has 161 credits as a performer and 33 as a director. Her autobiography, Daddy, was released last fall.

    Full transcript

    Below is an interview that is part of a larger piece on how adult performers talk to their families about their work. Read the full story at Coming out as a porn star.

    Dylan Matthews: When you began performing, who did you decide to tell? Did you tell them before scenes or shoots started being released or later on? What was the conversation like? How did you broach it?

    Madison Young: I've always had the philosophy of, "Reveal all, fear nothing." I came into the adult industry and decided to start documenting my sexual life on film in an effort to show honest, sexual connection and female pleasure being expressed without shame. If I was to hide that act from my family or friends, well I'd only be perpetuating that inherent shame that exists in our society. My family is rather conservative and live in Southern Ohio, but they have become more open-minded over the past decade that I've been working in the realm of sexuality. I was no longer living with my family and had established a strong community in San Francisco when I came out to my family. I slowly and delicately gave them information and resources around the work that I was doing and ensured them that I was safe and had long conversations with them about my politics and ethos of engaging in the world of sexuality, kink, and pornography as a feminist. At first it was very foreign to them but after years of conversations, of taking a deep breath and being patient and creating space for their emotions and defining what our comfort levels were with particular conversations … it's actually at a great place now. I'm thrilled that I can talk with my family about my work as its something that I'm so passionate about and that my family can recognize the social and political significance of the work I'm doing. Even if my choices aren't the choices that my mom and dad would have made, they are proud of me and have a clearer understanding of why I do the work that I do.

    Dylan Matthews: What was your family's reaction? Were your parents' responses different? Do you have siblings? If so, how did they respond? Were they supportive? If there were doubts, what kind? Were there religious concerns?

    Madison Young: I have a brother who thought the fact that I was working in porn was cool to the point of asking me to get porn stars' autographs for him. In general my family supports the work that I do because I can back up the work that I do with the social and political ethos behind the work I'm doing. My family did initially have concerns about STI transmission and we had a very frank conversation around STIs, safer sex, testing, and risk assessment. My family is religious but I think I kind of already burst that bubble and had most of the "you're going to hell " conversations when I was 18 and came out as a lesbian. Again this was something that my parents cooled down around as I introduced them to resources and materials on the topic of being parents to LGBTQ youth. Hate traditionally is rooted from fear and the unknown so allowing space for hurt and fear to be voiced and then supplementing with educational materials has always been my method of demystifying sexual deviants such as myself. :)

    Dylan Matthews: Did you lose any friends at the time? Did some friendships strengthen because people stuck by you? Did you find it easier to maintain friendships with people who were also performing?

    Madison Young: I didn't lose any friends. I'd say that the majority of my friends have at least done sex work of one kind or another at some point in their lives. I'm friends with a lot of artists and fellow queers and there tends to be a lot of overlap of the sex worker community and the queer feminist artist community in the Bay Area.

    Dylan Matthews: How did it affect your dating life when you began? Now? Were romantic partners more hesitant because you were in the business? Did or do you find it easier to date in the industry?

    Madison Young: My partner is also in the industry and that definitely makes it easier in some ways. It makes it potentially more complicated in other ways as we are both negotiating our onscreen involvement with other individuals and navigating emotions around jealousy, etc. I think it can work either way. It's refreshing to date outside of the industry and converse with folks that don't exist in the bubble of sex work, but it's also very helpful to have someone who understands the intricate emotions and experiences that only a sex worker really fully understands.